Mood:
mischieviousTopic: Daily Eruptions
This week I will turn 39.
I dont feel 39! I usually feel about 17, alternating with brief periods of 25, but definitely not 39.
When I turned 29, I spent the whole year telling people--including myself--that I was 30, practicing for the coming year which felt absolutely monumental. So when I actually did turn 30, it was no big deal. I was rehearsed and relaxed and slid right into my third decade with relative ease. Of course, I did the cross-country bike trip when I was 29 and got married when I was 29, so, at least some days, life felt exciting and fruitful (although to be honest I slipped into a pretty severe depression when the Big Ride ended).
Ten years later, I'm a little amazed that I've been married ten years, my life is definitely more financially stable, and my adventures come in much smaller doses. But I do feel more confident, more skilled, and, yes, a little wiser. It is all beginning to gel.
And, by all accounts, the year I turn 40 is going to be the best year of my life. This should be exciting news, but it's also a little daunting. It seems to imply that I have to be ready for something amazing, that I have to be mature and open and somehow stable enough to roll with whatever the something is without turning my life upside down the way I would have ten years ago. Or maybe not. Maybe I need to be able and willing to turn my life upside down after spending ten years learning how to be a responsible adult with a mortgage and car loans and student loans and a retirement account. I really don't know.
I do know the grey hair I see in the mirror is a daily reminder that I am not 17 nor 25.
I do know my body is changing in ways that are sometimes frustrating and sometimes scary, forcing me to face the fact that I am racing toward a reproductive deadline at which point my body will make a decision for me, regardless of whether I have reached a decision or not.
I know I have goals and plans and am working each day to be better.
I know 39 will come whether I am ready or not. As will 40 and all the years beyond.
And, I can continue to take comfort in the fact that no matter how old I get, most of my friends are still older!
So happy birthday to me: May I become more me each day and open ever wider to the possibilities still before me.
I wish the same for you!
