Mood:
loudNow Playing: SOAK UP THE SUN by Sheryl Crow
Topic: 2008
Hello! Happy Summer!
I tried to get here on Wednesday when I was working at the Art & Soul gallery, but I couldn't figure out how to turn the computer on. Seriously. I think it's broken ('cause I sure ain't!). It was just as well, though. I tried writing longhand, which most days is my preferred method any way, and found that I was not willing to write in sentences. Again, seriously. My rebellious side took control and wrote, in a compound sentence, "I don't want to write in sentences, and you can't make me!" Then, the rebellious me turned the page, wrote "Things I'd REALLY Like to Do" and commenced writing a three page list, using mostly sentence fragments. The list was meant to counteract the three page list of things I feel I need to do around the house to get it ready to put on the market and be a list of things I could schedule in on, say, a Wednesday evening between dinner at 5:30 and taking Kaija to the park at 7:00. Instead, I got things like "travel to zoos in other state doing nature art projects with kids and adults" and "get www.creativityfacilitator.com up and running" and "be involved in a sea turtle protection program during the egg-laying and -hatching period." Kinda' hard to schedule any of those things in the next month! Once I realized the true nature of the list, I changed the title to "Things, I'd REALLY, REALLY Like to Do." This list led to a list called "Things I Could Do to Build My Creative, Independent Future" which had more actionable steps, but still pretty lofty ideas that could benefit from being broken down further.
I tried again to get here on Thursday, but Tripod crashes my computer and I couldn't get the site to stay open long enough to make an entry. (I should probably switch to another free blogging service, one that has no ads and looks a little more professional, but I like the yoga girl background so much! BlogExplosion refused to let me add this blog to their service because of Tripod's popup ads, yet, here I am....)
So, here I am today, finally. On the solstice! AND, I got to see Danielle this morning. She is my chakra clearing/energy healing 101 instructor and the rest of the class saw fit to stay home today so I could have her all to myself! I LOVE when the universe creates these opportunities, as it seems to exactly when I need them most. We had a wonderful conversation--she is pure, unbounded joy and light and being in her presence makes me so happy! She gave me a few insights, reaffirmed my own feelings about other things, and set me up for a lovely, lovely day.
But, all of that doesn't really say anything about anything, does it??
Okay, a little bit of catching up:
I ended up seeing another doctor about the hemorrhage in my eye and he sent me to a retinal specialist who said my eye may improve, may stay the same, or may get worse. So far, it's mostly stayed the same. I go back for another appointment in August and if the vision has deteriorated, I may be a candidate for laser surgery to remove the pocket of blood that is causing the distortion in my visual field.
I didn't go on the South Beach Diet, but instead found--and really appreciated--the Five Factor Fitness diet by Harley Pasternak. I am doing the weight routines--which are totally FAB!! You get an entire workout in in 25 or 30 minutes and you feel great when it's over!--and incorporating some of the dietary changes, but not following any strict eating regimen because....
...I also started seeing the eating disorder specialist my doctor recommended and he doesn't want me to "diet." Asking someone like me to not diet is like saying "don't eat" or "don't breathe." How do I eat if I'm not eating in response to someone else's idea of how I should eat??? That is to say, I am NOT a good dieter--I don't handle food restrictions well, in large part I think because of the deprivation I felt being a vegetarian for 9 years. But, even when I'm bingeing, I know where I am in response to the diet I have currently elected to try to emulate. I spend more time "off my diet" than on, but at least then I know where I stand. I'm being "bad." Okay. There, I've named it. Or, hey, I've been really "good" today. Now there is no diet, no list of banned foods, no list of must have foods, no rules about how often to eat (aside from "when you're hungry"), no "good," no "bad." Nothing to rebel against. Nothing to compare myself to. Very, very strange. Now there is "more nutritious" and "less nutritious." Which means I get to choose. For myself. Which apparently makes me more than a little uncomfortable sometimes.
The therapist and I got off to a rocky start but I quickly learned that I am capable of standing up for myself, and once I did that, things have gone well. I have been able to hear my own inner voice on several occasions (although that voice sometimes makes me think for nearly a week before it provides a little wisdom), and I'm happy. I am making changes that I enjoy--like learning to eat a single Hershey's kiss for dessert and then closing the kitchen for the night, and eating only in the kitchen or dining room and giving my food my whole attention. All stuff I've known for a long time that I should do, but for some reason now I'm doing it. I'm trying not to think too hard about WHY I'm able to do these things now when I haven't always been able to, I'm just trying to stay present and be thankful for the way I feel now.
At the therapist's urging, I'm working my way through the Don't Diet, Live-It Workbook by Andrea LoBue and Marsea Marcus and I'm on chapter 5 working on the difference between aggressive and assertive communication. The interesting thing is, I'm supposed to be learning how to use assertive communication but I already know how to use that. It's who I am. What I don't know how to do is use aggressive communication! I jumped right over that! I don't like to feel hurt and anger, so I don't express hurt and anger...I jump right to compassionate language that keeps me from saying things I'll regret (usually), but also probably keeps me from truly feeling and acknowledging how hurt or angry I really am. Danielle found this very interesting this morning and instructed me to stick with the aggressive language exercises, not as a way of expressing myself in the world to other people, but as a way to get the anger and hurt I'm carrying around out of my body. She proposed an interesting experiment that I think I will try to implement...more on that later.
I have also gotten very, very organized at work, listed out all my goals for the next six months, and put them all into an online task manager with deadlines to meet. The rest of the year will be very busy, but it's what I need to do to keep myself sane, to make me feel like I'm meeting obligations I agreed to, and to help me combat the boredom that has become a nearly constant part of my job. Maybe if I'm very, very busy I won't have the luxury of indulging boredom. Maybe I'll even combat the boredom? The first few days don't show that to be the case, but we'll see.
The challenge here, for a person with food, weight, and body issues, is how to stay busy at work as a strategy to survive my job while not identifying so much with the "doing" that I fail to value the "being." This is too big an issue to get into at the end of this overly long post, but, not to worry, it's one I'm sure to revisit soon!
In the meantime, TGIF and a blessed solstice to all!!
Love from a happy girl!
