So My Self Has Been Located, Now What?
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: 2008

I went home last night and got attacked by the need to write as I finished eating dinner.  I picked up the pen and wrote for more than an hour, went to the park with Kaija, came home and wrote several more pages of

LARGE PRINT DIRECTIVES AND THINGS I WANT MYSELF TO

UNDERSTAND AND REMEMBER!

and then ended up telling Hans about the experience on the phone while he drove home from work.

Hans was not the first person I should have talked to about this.  We discussed a few weeks ago that even though he loves me (or maybe because he loves me), he is probably not a "safe person" for me to talk to, as defined by the Don't Diet, Live-It ladies, but Tad wasn't home when I called, and I don't get to see my therapist for two weeks because of the holiday, and I needed to tell someone. 

In short, I figured out where my Self has been hiding out for the last ten years and I know now why I didn't feel she came home with me (when, of course, she did) and I know why I got scared and depressed and fat after the Big Ride ended.  I know why I got depressed when I moved to Farmington as a senior in high school, I know why I couldn't let Ken love me and couldn't trust the love I felt for him, I know why I've stayed fat for most of my adult life.  I know why I can't or haven't chosen a "career" and why I can't or haven't let myself be all the things that I am.  I can tell the difference between pain I've caused myself and pain that's been caused by the world and I'm almost ready to start letting myself experience sadness and pain that is caused by the world.

I don't feel I can get into it here, now, but I will say that it boils down to me being a person who says "no" all the while believing myself to be the kind of person who says "yes" more often than the rest of the world.  It makes me sad.  And a little scared.  And a little confused but maybe a little less confused than I was before.

June 24 might prove to be a day for my personal history book.  For now, let's just say that on the 10th anniversary of the 10th day of the GTE Big Ride Across America I finally realized that my Self is home.  My Self is not yet ready for visitors, though.

More on this, in hopefully clearer language, very soon.

Love,

K