Now Playing: "Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette
Topic: 2008
I've thought about ways of explaining how I realized I brought my Big Ride Self home with me at the end of summer in 1998 when I thought I'd abandoned her or banished her somewhere between Washington, D.C. where the Big Ride ended and Hampton, Virginia where I spent several weeks in mourning over the Big Ride's end and Seattle when I finally returned home.
I think the best, though more chaotic way, is to just include here the journal entry from June 24, 2008 that brought the realization to me. Please forgive the fact that I begin by writing in the first person and quickly switch to second person--this is what I do when my "higher self" takes over and starts parenting. Also, please forgive the all caps segments--these are not me yelling at you, the reader, but my higher self emphatically lecturing the real world me. Let's see, anything else I need to apologize for before I begin?
Well, I guess I could also ask you to forgive the way it kind of trails off at the end....
Journal Entry June 24, 2008
So Big Ride 1998, for me, was all about feeling at peace with myself, being okay with whatever choice I made in any situation, listening to and honoring my inner voice, letting go of rules and "shoulds" and just being in the moment. This was me at my best for an extended period of time.
But maybe what I need to do to bring me at my best home is not to get rid of all the things that frustrate me, and not to create an artificially serene household for a few months, but to actually muck around in the things that frustrate me, to wallow in all my imperfections and put them on display (a little; maybe...), to get really frustrated, really bored, really angry - to fully feel all the extremes of emotion I try so hard to modulate and to fully face "this is my life now" - these are the choices I've made, these are the consequences, this is what my body looks like, this is what my professional life looks like, this is what my financial life looks like. It's okay to want to change as much of it as you want, but before you can change it, you have to face it, own it, accept it, praise or forgive yourself for it, and then take a deep breath and decide where to go next.
Recoiling from the messiness of life and the judgments of others and the financial realities of living in modern America after the Big Ride ended did not make any of the messiness or the jugdments or realities go away. I will never live in a perfect world where I am my perfect self and always at peace no matter how thin I get, no matter how much money I make or the manner in which I earn it. Getting a new life partner or simply getting rid of the one I have will not ensure that I will always feel loved, never feel lonely, or will always be free to do what I want to do at any given moment. Having a baby will not complete me or my life any more than finding a man willing to share my life has and it would be completely irresponsible of me, as an adult, to place the burden of my happiness on a child who needs nurturing from me, not to be the nurturer.
Enlightenment is NOT FREEDOM from the uncertainties and volatility and responsibilities of daily life; it is not seeking safe haven and shutting oneself off from the world that "less evolved" souls inhabit. It is Tad's stillpoint. It is recognizing your anchor and trusting that you won't be blown away in the winds; it is finding joy and peace and love in any circumstance; it is remembering that all are one and that you are at once outside the turmoil and the turmoil itself. You don't always get to choose your circumstances; you do always get to choose your response.
For ten years I've been trying to figure out how to engineer an environment - a career, a home, a body - in which I can be my best self, how to get rid of most of the bad or scary stuff so I can concentrate mostly on the good and exciting stuff. I have been trying to change me and how I operate in the world - which may be nobler than focusing outside of myself - but the truth is that there is nothing to change. Acceptance is all I can do. Awareness is all I can do. Forgiveness is all I can do. And acceptance, awareness, forgiveness, and love can happen anywhere; they are meant to happen everywhere.
Yes, there are things you can want to change - keeping the house neater because it will make life easier and make Hans feel more comfortable, losing weight so you are taking care of the gift-vessel you inhabit and can enjoy yourself more fully - but THESE ARE NOT MORAL ISSUES. AS WITH FOOD, THERE IS NO GOOD OR BAD. THERE IS EASIER AND THERE IS HARDER. THERE IS MORE AND LESS COMFORTABLE. Solving any of these problems does not bring enlightenment. Solving any of these problems does not insure happiness. Solving any of these problems does not make you good or bad, does not get you into Heaven, does not ward off bad events or sad or scary or uncomfortable emotions. NONE OF THESE THINGS WARD OFF DEATH. Some may slow aging, retard decay, create more ease or peace, but you and everyone you love are all going to die. You can either live your life or hide from it. If you put restrictions on it - I only want this kind of life; Life is only important or meaningful when I'm on an adventure, wildly in love, or sticking to a strict schedule - then you are denying your life. YOU ARE NOT LIVING YOUR LIFE IF YOU ARE SAYING NO. YOUR ARE FULLY CAPABLE OF LIVING - OF FULL, JOYOUS, AWARE, CONSCIOUS, CONNECTED LIVING - EVERY MOMENT NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE, no matter how big your body is, no matter what you just ate or want to eat, no matter who you are with, no matter the circumstance, no matter the tone or range of emotions that are buffeting you.
To get the Big Ride "you" home, all you have to do is throw open your arms!! All you have to do is accept yourself fully exactly as you are and accept her into your arms. You have not LET her come home. She did not get lost. REAL LIFE DIDN'T FRIGHTEN HER AWAY. You said, "No, I don't want to 'taint' her with all the REAL LIFE stuff" as though it were beneath her or would harm or debase her and YOU SHUT YOUR EYES AND HEART to her.
The truth is, you are her and she did come home and she has been with you every moment of every day and sometimes you let yourself experience her and when you did not experience her it was because you made a judgment. "No, not here." "No, not this." "No, not me in this moment."
You switched off the judgment switch for seven weeks in the summer of 1998. You remember the moment you switched it off on top of a sun baked hill in Eastern Washington on Day Two. You pleaded with Ron not to switch his on too soon; then, soon after him, you switched yours back on. Do you remember when? It was Day 48 and the Ride ended and you were understandably SAD - SAD IS LIFE! - but you mistook the Ride - the thought form - for some magical doorway that had opened and now had closed, excluding you once again from your true self, your best self, your non-judgmental self. YES, some environments and experiences may make getting REAL, becoming AWARE easier, but it was your mistake, your judgment that closed the door. You chose to dwell in sadness and depression - based on your mistaking the Ride for a portal - instead of surfing those emotions from the same rooted, aware, strong, capable center you had occupied for the seven weeks prior.
Your Big Ride SELF is YOU; she is right beside you; SHE IS YOUR CORE AND YOU HAVE INSTANTANEOUS ACCESS TO HER, TO YOUR HIGHER SELF, IN EVERY MOMENT, IN EVERY BREATH! If you ever doubt this, pick up a pen! Close your eyes and breathe in and out.
STOP JUDGING
Yourself
Your actions
Your feelings
Your job
Your love life
Your eating habits
Your organizational habits
Your wishes
Your longings
Your "flaws"
Your BODY
Your family
Your finances
Flip
the
switch
OFF
and
LEAVE
IT
OFF !!!
Judgment comes from within!!
Only if I judge do others' judgments matter!!!
I was afraid of other people's judgments regarding how I'd spent my summer, but this was REALLY JUST ME JUDGING MYSELF, putting words in their mouths, being AFRAID.
IF I DON'T JUDGE MYSELF, I DO NOT FEAR YOUR JUDGMENTS.
IF I CHOOSE TO LOVE AND ACCEPT AND TRUST MYSELF IN EVERY MOMENT, YOUR JUDGMENTS CANNOT AND WILL NOT AFFECT ME.
FEAR FOLLOWS JUDGMENT.
not this school
not these people
not this guy; not this guy now
not this job
not this way
not according to your rules
I know how to say "no" or "yes." I have a hard time finding the healthy boundaries between the two.
