After I sent an email to my favorite listserve this afternoon in which I criticized our society's inability to let go of various practices and institutions that have become cumbersome, counterproductive, or even dangerous to our survival on this planet, I suddenly realized how hypocritical I have been.
I am asking America to transform longheld ideas, policies, and practices quickly and dramatically and to withstand the temporary (by Big Picture standards) pain and trepidation that will accompany such a transformation. I like to think on a vast scale and in the abstract, and even though I realize there are real people involved in all of the crises we are facing, I seem to have no trouble asking them to make huge sacrifices for the greater good that I imagine would ensue. I am asking my fellow Americans to imagine new ways of doing things, to innovate, to be courageous, to hold the long-term view and to turn their personal, professional, and civic lives practically upside down and inside out. I want real, radical, effective change. I want to be swept up in a grand reimagining of what it means to be a successful person, organization, country, individual and collective planetary steward and global citizen. I want our behaviors to change rapidly, and I feel sure I have the fortitude to wait for delayed results.
But I'm full of crap. I am a queen of pain avoidance!
Yes, I have a history of making fast 180s and taking financial risks with the assurance that I will be okay. But, in the last ten years, I have, with quite a bit of pain and trial-and-error, learned how to be a "responsible adult," - well, sort of. I don't quit a job without another to take its place. I've lasted twice as long at my current job than at any other. I have a grown-up mortgage and am facing the full extent of my student loan debt that eats up a third of my income each month. I have read books on building a secure financial future and have actually taken steps toward making that happen. For the most part, it would appear that I am meeting my obligations and doing the "right" things.
So, now, faced with the prospect of dramatic change, I start to panic a little. Like all the other "adults" I know, I want to make sure that any changes I undergo will leave me in a position to pay my bills, keep my (tiny, fuel-efficient by U.S. standards) car, and live without fear of eviction or foreclosure. I still have a sense that "I" - the spiritual, energetic being that I am at my core - will be okay in the long run, but I want to be okay AND not screw up the credit score I have worked so hard to achieve.
Basically, I want it both ways. I want to live according to my passion and my sense of justice - and not according to what will afford me financial security - all the while taking measures to ensure my financial security. I want to take a running leap off a cliff and be, oh, at least 85% positive I will learn to fly before I become a colorful stain on the canyon floor. I have lost my nerve. I have also lost my confidence in myself.
While I am asking "others," - who, exactly? - to reinvent entire industries and governments and to quickly change the direction the human race is taking, I am not reinventing even my own life. Instead, I sense the need for changes, dramatic changes, and tell myself I can't see the pathway to get me where I need to go. I devise mild plans, give them half-hearted effort, then let the ensuing status quo convince me of my inability to change. I keep leaning on the same crutches that I have leaned on for years, even though I recognize that they no longer serve me. Not only am I not experimenting or innovating, I'm not even excelling at the things I am already doing. I am not being excellent. I am not being creative. I am not being true to myself. I am not feeding my soul or fulfilling my highest purposes on this planet. I am asking others to do what I refuse to do myself. And that sucks.
Which leaves me, having admitted my hypocrisy and failures to myself and the handful of people who read this, with the question, so what do I do about this?
