Loved
Mood:  special
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I'm feeling particularly blissed out tonight. I received a very sweet email from James yesterday, to which I still owe a reply, followed by a phone conversation with Scott (which was really a continuation of a conversation we had started the night before) followed soon after by a phone call from Chad. The universe showered me with love and I'm still feeling the glow! Sudie had a party last Sunday in part to prove to herself that she has a large contingent of friends. I can't do that--at least not without several months of advance planning so travel arrangements can be made or without the aid of satellite video feeds from multiple locations--but, then, I've always been better in a more intimate setting and I really enjoy the little moments of connection I get with the people who really get me. I have to check in with Tad pretty soon, though. I promised him a handwritten letter, which I started when I was in Orlando but haven't gotten back to, and now it's just getting to the point where I need to call him and have an actual conversation.

One of the main themes in my conversations with both Scott and Chad was marriage. I have been wondering lately if anyone has done a survey research paper on what characteristics, aside from age of maturation of offspring, various species who pair-bond for life have in common. What determines whether a species is monogamous for life or for a season? I think I'm looking for an animal model on which to build some justification for marriage in humans in the 21st Century. (Chad thinks I'm looking for a scientific answer to an emotional question, and laughed openly at me when I suggested this information might be useful.) Some part of me has come to the conclusion that the only good reason to get and stay married is to have children. (And that doesn't seem to be in the cards for this marriage and my biological clock is ticking so damn loudly these days....) But, when I come to that conclusion, I hear Tad (probably fed in part by Richard Bach and Robert Heinlein and certainly Rilke) reminding me that love is the real work of this life and that marriage and the commitment you make to a single individual enable you to best do that work. This is followed fairly quickly by a whining voice from me saying, "yeah, but I do serial monogamy pretty well--can't I just go back to my schedule of three-year relationships and get most of the work done, anyway?" Perhaps unfortunately, Scott has also come to the conclusion that marriage is pretty much for people who want to have kids.

Then there's Chad who is moving very quickly toward engagement and marriage. He calls me for reassurance that he's doing the right thing, which I mostly think he is. He has been my closest friend for sixteen years now and we've helped each other over some major hurdles and been each other's number one cheerleader through good times and bad. I am so proud of how far he's come in every area of his life, and I really want him to be happy. But in the marriage area, I'm handicapped two ways: one, there is a selfish little part of me that wants him to be in love with me forever and never quite find a woman who matches up to the high standards I set (it appears, however, that he has found a woman who surpasses me in every way and who loves him completely), and two, it's difficult to encourage marriage when you're questioning the health and rationale of your own. I feel more like the best man the night before the wedding trying to talk the groom out of making the biggest mistake of his life than like the romantic, idealistic woman I have been most of my life. I don't like feeling this way. I have no indication how long the feeling will last, however, and am just trying to make peace with it. [And for anyone who might be worried that I am warning Chad away from his soul mate and the one true love of his life, I assure you that I am not warning Chad away at all. I have been honest about my own situation, which is what Chad expects, but nothing but encouraging and supportive about the path his relationship is taking. I only feel like the jaded best man, I'm not acting like him.]

And in the meantime, Hans and I are still on pretty good footing although there was talk this week about changes to his job that might not bode well for his being able to remain present in our relationship as we head toward the end of the year and into the next. When we were in grad school, I knew that he wasn't really with me even when he was a foot away if he was working on a screenplay or a story, because he was always writing even when he wasn't physically writing. I wish I had understood that this absence would carry over to any large project he was engaged in. He understands that I feel he just came back to me after being absent for the last four months and has said he's going to work on sticking around even with the changes coming up, so I'm hoping for the best. Scott says that if we've managed to climb up out of the rut, even for the past two weeks, that is reason to hope we won't fall back in when things get tough in the future. Let's hope he's right.