Mood:
happyTopic: Mindfulness
After learning I didn't land the writing job I had created such a huge intention around, my body was filled with a physical feeling of mourning for about two weeks. No matter how many conversations I had with myself about how this was all for the better, the sadness would not leave. What I quickly figured out was that the mourning was not so much for this specific (long-term) writing assignment as it was for the loss of a path. I had once again leapt onto someone else's idea and embraced it completely, eager to follow the path outlined by that idea...but still worried on some level that my passion for that path might wane, as it often does, somewhere around the eighteen-month mark. Even with this writing gig, I was already thinking about where it could lead and which of my other skills I might eventually be able to bring to the project. It was a Path, with a capital P, and it felt like it might finally lead to my once-and-for-all-lifetime-career.
I do this - the swallowing whole of other people's dreams - over and over again (although, this time was a pretty extreme case for me), and while I learn from every experience and sincerely gain pleasure from whatever dream I am following at any given moment, the problem is that this process keeps me from formulating and working toward any of my own great ideas. In fact, I think I've designed it for exactly that purpose.
What I can safely take away from this three-month application process, however, is that I am still really jazzed about science, and that I am committed to pursuing a writing career based on science and the environment.
Four days ago, I was still feeling an overwhelming sadness and fear over being once again "pathless." I was not excited at the prospect of turning thirty-eight without being closer to achieving my goals of being a writer and earning a living without a traditional j-o-b. Hans and I took Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off this week to celebrate our anniversary, Valentine's Day, and my birthday, and when I woke up Wednesday morning, the sadness and fear had both been completely replaced by a body-permeating sense of peace and the tiny glimmers of hope. I am feeling comfortable in my own body and my own life again, and have decided to embrace my year-and-a-half-long attention span (rather than continuing to fight against it) by creating a fifteen-month calendar and a list of fifteen goals I want to accomplish in those months. I'm making visual charts to help me track my progress. On one level, it feels a little bit like being a toddler with a potty-training chart. On another level, I know of several non-profit fundraising organizations who use similar goal and progress tracking systems. The difference between them and me is that I'm the only one with whom I'm communicating my progress.
Just having these goals and plans, though, wasn't enough to bring about the sense of peace and the feeling that I am on the right path. I think that came from a combination of having five days with no agenda, the fact that my new afterschool creativity class is going very well and filling me with energy and confidence, and from the sillier source of a computer-generated astrological birth chart and life purpose report I received as a birthday present. (Yes, I am beginning to sound like an astrology nut....) The report says that my path is that of the "Spiritual Warrior," inspiring others to shine more brightly with the brightness of my own spirit. (Sappy, any one?) It suggests that in past lives I've had a great deal of experience with partnerships, which has caused me to seek out the "right relationship" and have a weak sense of identity apart from the other people in my life in this lifetime, and that I need to develop a strong sense of self because my purpose is to follow my passions and inspire others by being myself and doing what I love. I know, how generic and self-serving is that? You could probably tell anyone that was their purpose - I think Buddhists would probably agree that is everyone's purpose? - and they'd be happy. But, reading that really did help me relax.
I keep thinking there's "one big thing" I'm supposed to be looking for and once I find it and begin doing it, I will be bringing all of my interests, skills, and passions together and using them all to their full potential in the service of my Mission, or my Destiny, or my Purpose. What my experience applying for this science writing assignment helped reinforce is that there will never be one thing that will be enough to satisfy me. What the astrology report did was put into a computer printout all of the advice I've been trying forever to get myself to accept and follow - right down to stressing that I need to develop focus, self-discipline, and stamina, and that I should practice a martial art, yoga, juggling (baton twirling??), or running to help with these things.
In another nice turn of synchronicity, the theme of the February issue of Writers on the Rise is "sustainable passion." The "sustainable" part really is my challenge - passion I have oodles of. For me, maybe sustainable means eighteen months of commitment before I get totally bored, and that's okay. By choosing a fifteen month timeline for my current set of goals, maybe I'll be able to push through to the end before I'm banging my head against the wall. What would be really cool is if I could learn to emulate Jodi Picoult, who researches and writes one book every nine months (and then takes a three month "vacation" would be my guess), and get one major project finished every fifteen months.
And, finally, I am happy, happy, happy! to report that my dreams are bringing me creative ideas that I remember when I wake up and they are doing this on a regular basis - about one a week. They're not earth-shattering ideas, but they are ideas I'm enjoying: one was a story idea, one was an idea for an eco-friendly business, one was an idea for a series of photographs I could take. Definitely a habit I want to encourage!
sad
lyrical
crushed out
surprised
silly
chillin'
on fire