Mood:  crushed out

Now, right this minute, this is my life.

I just finished a run alone in the dark under a balmy, indigo night sky.

I feel powerful, strong, relaxed, centered.  Happy!

I have a beautiful little naked dog who makes me laugh and who is waiting patiently for me to throw her leopard-spotted plush bone and give her kisses.

I am going to fall asleep soon, in my own body, in my own life, in my own company.

Blessings to all, especially Bessie and Zoe.  Love to you both!

This moment, this moment is my life. 

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 10:40 PM EDT

Updated: Friday, April 27, 2007 11:12 AM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  mischievious

Hans called me last night to say he'd found the perfect car for me.

Not too bad when an enviro-friendly, limited edition sports car with a base price of $92,000 reminds your husband of you!

"Mine" would be Electric Blue and would be loaded with everything except the XM radio, bringing the total cost to $101,525.  I'm sure Hans won't mind spending 10% more to get me the absolute best.

(I read this week that eco-consumers like to buy their Green Cars painted green to further emphasize their political choice.  I wonder if that influenced my decision to choose Electric Blue for my electric car?  Nah!  Electric Blue is simply the hottest color in the Tesla line up.)

Reserve your own 2008 Tesla Roadster, or read an account of what it feels like to drive one.

If a girl is going to dream Green, she may as well dream Gorgeous Green!

Much better than the traditional gift made of tin and worlds more socially responsible than a diamond, the Tesla Roadster--with an efficiency six times greater than the rest of the best sports cars and only 1/10th of the pollution--is the perfect ten year anniversary present for this non-traditional, slightly ahead of her time, tree-hugging, still young enough to enjoy it "current trophy wife."  What do ya' say, honey?  Buy me this, and I'll take you anywhere you wanna' go!

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 1:34 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 1:42 PM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  celebratory

I just have to write tonight because I have had one of the best days I've had in months!  

I had a really rough week last week because I found out the developer in my neighborhood had put in permit applications to build two new sets of townhomes, one on either end of my building.  What made this really outrageous was that the privacy of our building, including the trees behind us, the fact that we're at the end of a street, and the green space next to us, was what the salespeople used to sell us on this neighborhood and our particular house.  There were actually $5,000 premiums on our lots due to all of the above features (although these premiums were dropped for us and some of my neighbors as incentive to buy).  To make things really bad, the development company didn't directly tell us of their plans to build, but only sent around notices that they were going to need to move our utilities to accommodate "addition construction."  Because the company is still building to complete its master plan, it didn't immediately occur to us to think they had applied for permits to change the master plan and would actually consider tearing up the sidewalks and landscaping and putting in two new buildings right on top of ours.  Hans and I made calls to county permitting agencies, wrote letters to our neighbors, called every potentially influential person whose number we could locate at the development company, joined committees on what will become the Homeowners' Association, and filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.  Still, as the week wore on it didn't look like we had much hope of stopping the developers.  I promised my neighbors to write letters to the editors of all the major newspapers in the state and to make formal complaints to every entity I could think of that might have contact with the development company, adamant that I was going to make it as difficult as I could for the company to change the master plan and add these buildings.

Tonight, Hans listened to a voicemail from one of the developer's superintendents that said the company had decided, due to the number of complaints they had received, not to build the new units!

This is really amazing, and much needed, news.  I had started to feel a general layer of depression settling over me and seeping into the cracks.  If I couldn't save even a dozen trees and the patch of grass right next to my own house, how could I possibly think I might be able to save the world?  It might sound like I'm being overly dramatic - I know there are people in the world who truly are being bulldozed and who have no real power over their own lives - but I felt a powerlessness I haven't really felt before and it scared me deeply.  Not only was I now feeling bad that I was turning 38 and still searching for my Path, but I was feeling that I didn't matter even in my own neighborhood, that as a citizen I had no voice in matters of concern to me simply because I wasn't the majority land owner and couldn't afford to hire a lawyer to represent me against the developers who wouldn't take or return my calls.  So I am relieved and happy and amazed that the resistance I felt has now dissipated.  Amazing, really, really, amazing.

On top of that, Sudie had a book reading today at a local elementary school and it went extremely well.  The kids were lovely, smart, and well mannered and all the logistics went very smoothly.  When it was over, Sudie and I took turns telling each other how much we appreciate each other, which was something I really needed, too.  Things have been hard for each of us  personally lately, so it was really nice to have this small mutual victory.

Then, it was off to teach my creativity class and I was on such a rush from Sudie's event that I soared right through it.  We are into the second half of the course and the kids are amazing!  I asked them last Thursday, at the true halfway mark, to tell me what they had learned about their own creativity so far and they said the most remarkable, insightful things!  We are transitioning from the exercises we have been doing to get the kids to trust their instincts and not pre-judge an idea or their ability to execute it to the portion of the class where they will actually begin to create things.  We looked at examples of visual art that use unusual media - paint made from the candy shells of M&Ms mixed with Kool-Aid, sand and waves, the dirt on a car window, human hair, pollen, earth - and had a great discussion that I hope will get the kids really thinking about what kinds of materials they want to use next week when I finally set them loose to begin their own projects.

Overall, just a really satisfying, encouraging, invigorating day.  I haven't felt this manic sense of joy in ages, and I have to say, today it was completely welcomed. 

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 11:58 PM EST

Updated: Wednesday, March 7, 2007 1:32 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  happy

After learning I didn't land the writing job I had created such a huge intention around, my body was filled with a physical feeling of mourning for about two weeks.  No matter how many conversations I had with myself about how this was all for the better, the sadness would not leave.  What I quickly figured out was that the mourning was not so much for this specific (long-term) writing assignment as it was for the loss of a path.  I had once again leapt onto someone else's idea and embraced it completely, eager to follow the path outlined by that idea...but still worried on some level that my passion for that path might wane, as it often does, somewhere around the eighteen-month mark.  Even with this writing gig, I was already thinking about where it could lead and which of my other skills I might eventually be able to bring to the project.  It was a Path, with a capital P, and it felt like it might finally lead to my once-and-for-all-lifetime-career.

I do this - the swallowing whole of other people's dreams - over and over again (although, this time was a pretty extreme case for me), and while I learn from every experience and sincerely gain pleasure from whatever dream I am following at any given moment, the problem is that this process keeps me from formulating and working toward any of my own great ideas.  In fact, I think I've designed it for exactly that purpose.

What I can safely take away from this three-month application process, however, is that I am still really jazzed about science, and that I am committed to pursuing a writing career based on science and the environment.

Four days ago, I was still feeling an overwhelming sadness and fear over being once again "pathless."  I was not excited at the prospect of turning thirty-eight without being closer to achieving my goals of being a writer and earning a living without a traditional j-o-b.  Hans and I took Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off this week to celebrate our anniversary, Valentine's Day, and my birthday, and when I woke up Wednesday morning, the sadness and fear had both been completely replaced by a body-permeating sense of peace and the tiny glimmers of hope.  I am feeling comfortable in my own body and my own life again, and have decided to embrace my year-and-a-half-long attention span (rather than continuing to fight against it) by creating a fifteen-month calendar and a list of fifteen goals I want to accomplish in those months.  I'm making visual charts to help me track my progress.  On one level, it feels a little bit like being a toddler with a potty-training chart.  On another level, I know of several non-profit fundraising organizations who use similar goal and progress tracking systems.  The difference between them and me is that I'm the only one with whom I'm communicating my progress.

Just having these goals and plans, though, wasn't enough to bring about the sense of peace and the feeling that I am on the right path.  I think that came from a combination of having five days with no agenda, the fact that my new afterschool creativity class is going very well and filling me with energy and confidence, and from the sillier source of a computer-generated astrological birth chart and life purpose report I received as a birthday present.  (Yes, I am beginning to sound like an astrology nut....)  The report says that my path is that of the "Spiritual Warrior," inspiring others to shine more brightly with the brightness of my own spirit.  (Sappy, any one?)  It suggests that in past lives I've had a great deal of experience with partnerships, which has caused me to seek out the "right relationship" and have a weak sense of identity apart from the other people in my life in this lifetime, and that I need to develop a strong sense of self because my purpose is to follow my passions and inspire others by being myself and doing what I love.  I know, how generic and self-serving is that?  You could probably tell anyone that was their purpose - I think Buddhists would probably agree that is everyone's purpose? - and they'd be happy.  But, reading that really did help me relax. 

I keep thinking there's "one big thing" I'm supposed to be looking for and once I find it and begin doing it, I will be bringing all of my interests, skills, and passions together and using them all to their full potential in the service of my Mission, or my Destiny, or my Purpose.  What my experience applying for this science writing assignment helped reinforce is that there will never be one thing that will be enough to satisfy me.  What the astrology report did was put into a computer printout all of the advice I've been trying forever to get myself to accept and follow - right down to stressing that I need to develop focus, self-discipline, and stamina, and that I should practice a martial art, yoga, juggling (baton twirling??), or running to help with these things.

In another nice turn of synchronicity, the theme of the February issue of Writers on the Rise is "sustainable passion."  The "sustainable" part really is my challenge - passion I have oodles of.  For me, maybe sustainable means eighteen months of commitment before I get totally bored, and that's okay.  By choosing a fifteen month timeline for my current set of goals, maybe I'll be able to push through to the end before I'm banging my head against the wall.  What would be really cool is if I could learn to emulate Jodi Picoult, who researches and writes one book every nine months (and then takes a three month "vacation" would be my guess), and get one major project finished every fifteen months.

And, finally, I am happy, happy, happy! to report that my dreams are bringing me creative ideas that I remember when I wake up and they are doing this on a regular basis - about one a week.  They're not earth-shattering ideas, but they are ideas I'm enjoying: one was a story idea, one was an idea for an eco-friendly business, one was an idea for a series of photographs I could take.  Definitely a habit I want to encourage!

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 12:01 AM EST

Updated: Friday, February 23, 2007 4:05 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Mood:  sad

My horoscope for today said I was going to feel as though my world was spinning completely apart, but that I should take heart in knowing that amazing change would come from facing whatever hurtles I encountered.

My weekly horoscope from The Independent Weekly said I should be careful which words I allowed to enter my ears, lest I be impregnated with the wrong thoughts.

This morning I found two pennies, several miles and hours apart, both heads down.  I picked them both up and carried them in my pocket all day because when I was in Helena, Montana on June 26th, 1998 and there was a blizzard on MacDonald Pass that caused the Red Cross to come to the aid of hundreds of my fellow cross-country cyclists caught in the storm, I found two pennies, one heads up and one heads down, on the cement floor of a fairgrounds building.  I had seen dozens of such pairs from the first day I climbed on my bike and headed up Snoqualmie Pass in Washington, but at that moment, I realized this pair was telling me that I choose my own luck, that rejecting a heads down penny just because I didn't like its orientation meant I was rejecting a gift from the universe simply because I didn't like the way it was presented to me.

This morning I contacted the people (in Helena, Montana) making the decision about the major writing project in which I hoped to participate, and learned that I am no longer under consideration.  The person I spoke with said all the usual nice things about keeping my samples on file in case they were in need of a writer with my skills in the future--and I will make a point of following up with them over the next year--but I was apparently not sufficiently impressive this time around.  Two months of research, writing, reading and preparation went into my submission, two months of imagining myself already participating in the project, two months of thinking there was no one else I could imagine writing for.  As I said in my cover letter to them, their call for a researcher/writer opened a door that I immediately walked through and it closed behind me.  So here I am, alone on the other side of a closed door with no clear map of how I'm supposed to do the work I've determined I must do.

My lovely, lovely friend Heather from Earth Share wrote me a note of encouragement upon hearing the news.  She included a piece of wisdom she'd received from a friend, and so far I have only been able to establish that the quote is from a Japanese man named Masahide, circa 1668:

Barn burned down, now I can see the moon.

I haven't passed that along to my dad, yet, but he's been urging me to go it on my own for a long time now, and I'm sure he would approve.

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 9:35 PM EST

Updated: Wednesday, February 7, 2007 1:43 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  lyrical

I need to learn how to create my own Emoticons.  There have been a couple of times now when I haven't been able to find exactly what I'm looking for in the list from which I get to choose.  Today's Emoticon would definitely be Dreamy.  I went to sleep last night anticipating a snow day today where I could work from home, writing for the tarot project from the couch with Kaija on my lap and a fire in the fireplace and Hurricane Chili (even though today's weather has been dubbed a "winter event," NOT a hurricane) bubbling in the crockpot while brownies baked in the oven....  I'm writing about Pele, goddess of fire, volcanos, lightning, and dance, and about how anger, like lava, if properly released, can be a creative force.  (For the purposes of the tarot project, I'm having to ignore the fact that Pele's anger and her seduction of her sister's husband led to her banishment from her native Tahiti and her eventual destruction in Hawaii, but those aspects are still working on me somehow.)  I've been thinking about her for a few weeks now, and I think I'm close to saying what I want to about her.  Part of me was really looking forward to spending today doing that deep, reflective kind of writing that approximates poetry.  I wanted to get my first, complete draft done and then spend the afternoon making each word earn its place on the page.  (Marc sent me his novel last week, and when I was preparing my comments on the synopsis and the first few chapters, I reread the beginning of Noah Lukeman's The First Five Pages and it made me want to test my skill with strong nouns and verbs.) 

Add to that the fact that I had an idea for an aubade last night before I fell asleep, and all I want to do today is play with words.  (An aubade is a poem that in some way addresses the morning, sometimes welcoming it but more often wishing it away because the arrival of the morning sun usually means lovers must part.)  I have never been inspired to write an aubade before, so this is an exciting urge.  We'll see how long the excitement lasts once I start struggling with the actual writing, though!

So, of course, at 6:00 a.m. when I needed to call Sudie to find out whether she wanted me to drive in to work, there was not a snowflake to be found.  So long warm puppy.  So long cozy fire.  So long dreaming of red lava while I looked out the window on a world of white.  The snow started as soon as Kaija and I stepped outside for our morning walk, and then let loose as soon as I hit the freeway.  Now the snow has turned to the drizzle they promised, but it has not yet begun to freeze.  And the work of the day has been anything but creative--end of year inventory of books, following up on marketing projects, fighting STILL with BellSouth aka the New AT&T to get the voicemail system set up so that I have my own mailbox. 

It's the first day of February, which usually makes me really happy because that is the beginning of my birthday month when all the planets are all about me.  Like Lorelai Gilmore, I do require a week of festivities celebrating the date of my arrival in this life, but with Valentine's Day and our marriage (elopement) anniversary (our wedding anniversary is in July, just so I get a little attention mid-year!) all lined up in that week, I don't have to work very hard to make sure my birthday is properly acknowledged, leaving energy to find other days in the month that can be all about me.  (Yeah, right.)

This year, though, the first day of February means I'm a month into 2007 without having solid plans for this particular trip around the sun mapped out.  I haven't heard anything in a few weeks about that major writing assignment I am still hoping to land.  I realized this week that I created the biggest intention around that particular project that I have ever created, and it's hitting me now that my power to manifest possibilities in my life may still have limits.  I have been going through these phases of super optimism where my universe expands and phases of deflation where I simply can't maintain that same level of enthusiasm that I carried and fed steadily for more than two months.  Luckily, the deflation phase is replaced pretty quickly with another optimism phase, but at this point, I think my family and friends are pretty scared to ask me if I've heard anything.  I myself have been afraid to blog because I've been on such an emotional rollercoaster and completely focused on the outcome of this particular decision over which I feel less and less control. 

On days when I've had excess energy--when I wanted to do something more to improve my chances of joining that project, and there was nothing more that I could do--I have made some progress with my personal writing and goals.  One Friday night when I had hoped to hear something and hadn't, I went straight to my computer after my walk with Kaija and sent out a short story to Glimmer Train.  I had finished the story more than a year ago and made a plan for who I was going to submit it to and in what order, and then I never sent it out except to have some friends read it.  Now it is under consideration by someone who might actually be able to publish it.  On another night when I could not sleep, I spent several hours researching science writing, and found two national organizations to consider joining--including one that has a mentor program--as well as summer conferences, lists of Master's programs, and information on how to get started and salary expectations based on whether you are a freelancer, a science beat reporter for a newspaper or magazine, or a public information officer for a university.

On top of that, I went back to my Scanner Daybook that I started last summer when I read Barbara Sher's book Refuse to Choose: A Revolutionary Program for Doing Everything That You Love and, going with the Random Acts of Passion Model, I created my fifteen-month calendar and a list of fifteen mostly writing-related goals that I intend to achieve beginning this month and ending on April 30, 2008.  On that list of 15, I included reaching my goal weight, getting a passport, and planning my first International trip (somewhere other than Canada or Mexico!).  I also want to figure out once and for all what I'm doing with Your Mileage May Vary and have a first draft of my next book finished.  I have goals for science articles, for poems, for the number of queries I'll write, and for classes I might teach.  I figure these goals will be portable, achievable from any state in the country, and stable, regardless of whether I get to join the major writing project on which I've set my sights.  I am also going to make the goals public--handing off copies of my list to my parents and Chad and maybe even Marc if I decide to take him up on his offer to exchange work now that he's feeling confident in his own project--so that someone can always ask for an update and help keep me motivated.

Maybe tonight I'll try my hand at the beginning of an aubade.  I do like to try new things....

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 12:01 AM EST

Updated: Friday, February 2, 2007 12:01 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Mood:  crushed out

Blessed, peaceful solstice, everyone!! 

I'm going to try to remember to take a few minutes today to meditate, even though I am crazy busy with a million other things and have had little brain function of late.  (I'm working on a writing project that could lead to a much larger, life-changing writing project that I desperately want the opportunity to undertake, and I've been able to think of little else for the last three weeks!)  And, Kaija and I will give our thanks for the day and the beginning of the return of the light when we are walking at the park this afternoon, trying to get our thirty minutes in before it's completely dark.  To my friends in Colorado, be safe and enjoy the snow!!

Merry, merry!!

P.S.  Christmas cards will be New Year's Cards this year, because the writing project took precedence, and I didn't get the cards made or mailed yet.  Hey, anyone can send a Christmas card, but it takes real guts to send a New Year's card and announce to the world that, even though you are superwoman, you truly are running a little behind this year!

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 9:30 AM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  silly

I took my first shot at Office Humor/Business Wisdom on CareerBuilder.com's website.  I love their you-work-with-monkeys t.v. campaign, and this viral marketing strategy of theirs is fabulous!

View my first Monk-e-Mail here.

Derivative, yes, but still kind of funny?? Cute, at least? 

Maybe this is why the comedy club at the University of Michigan never produced one of my sketches....

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 12:40 PM EST

Updated: Thursday, November 30, 2006 1:01 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  chillin'

Petter Granli from www.ElephantVoices.com wrote me back after I inquired about the validity of the aforementioned statement that elephants have "double skulls." 

He said: "I agree with your argument. The riders wouldn't hit if the elephant didn't feel pain. The elephant head is a honeycomb structure, not a "double skull".

A bit difficult to evaluate this, though, the impact all depends on how hard and exactly where the elephant is being hit.

Kind regards, Petter"

So, thank you very much, Petter, but I have to say this only raises more questions in my mind because now I need to find out what a "honeycomb structure" looks like when we are talking about a skull. 

BTW, Petter and Elephant Voices are in Norway!  The Internet is a totally amazing thing, allowing strangers on different continents to converse as though they worked across the hall from each other.

AND, if you are into elephants and into good causes and need to buy cool holiday presents, check out: http://www.cafepress.com/freeflorashop.  Flora is an elephant rescued from a circus by www.africanelephants.org and now living in The Elephant Sanctuary in Tennessee.  Sudie Rakusin had an opportunity to meet Flora and create three gorgeous drawings of her that she donated to raise money to pay for Flora's care.  Sudie's artwork can now be purchased on T-shirts, baseball caps, mugs, boxer shorts, baby bibs, note cards, postage stamps and lots of other things.  Best of all, 100% of the proceeds from the sale of these items goes into Flora's Endowment fund, paying for Flora's needs for the rest of her life.  The artwork is really gorgeous - you won't be disappointed!  (To see all 3 of Sudie's drawings, check out the postage stamps, http://www.cafepress.com/freeflorashop/2118098.)

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 12:45 PM EST

Updated: Wednesday, November 22, 2006 3:49 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink