That's Why I Keep Him Around
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: "Rise Above This" by Seether
Topic: 2008

I am preparing to see the eye specialist for a follow-up appointment this afternoon.  Even though I promised myself that my eye would get better, it has gotten worse.  If I am using that eye alone, I see well enough to walk, but not drive, and I can’t read with it.  It casts a dark shadow over things so I don’t see colors correctly, and what I do see is small, warped, and farther away than it actually is.  When I’m using both eyes, the injured eye sometimes causes a double image—especially with lights and reflective surfaces—and/or adds a warp to what I’m seeing.  In my moments of detachment, it’s quite interesting really.

 

Here’s the story I’m telling myself.  At the time the occlusion occurred in my eye, I was putting a lot of strain on my eyes looking at slides and preparing to go to New York with Sudie’s art.  I was also sending healing energy daily to two people who were each preparing to undergo surgery to remove their left eye. 

 

I think that during my healing sessions, I sent too much blood through my own eye and it caused a vein, probably under stress from plaque build-up on the arterial walls, to rupture and the leaking blood has caused changes in the surface of my lens, resulting in poor vision.  For awhile, though, I was worried I had taken on the ailments of the people I was trying to heal.  This freaked me out so much I immediately stopped doing all healing work on myself or anyone else.  A few weeks ago, I came up with the increased blood flow theory and reassured myself that I do have the right to try to heal my own eye.  I have since done some work to try to restore its function and vision, but my results have not been consistent.  Some days I wake up and see only a small, quarter-sized disruption in my visual field; others, like today, there is an oil spill that disrupts everything I see.  I fear today they may say I’m legally blind in that eye.

 

This morning, I found Hans getting dressed for work and I said, “I need you to look at my left eye and tell me if I’m still in it.”

 

“Whaddya mean ‘if you’re still in it’?!”  Then, realizing that this was one of those important game-deciding moments that husbands train for every day in case the coach throws them in and says “bring it home,” he rose to the occasion.

 

He looked into my eyes and said, with sincerity and the exact right level of emphasis, “Yes, your sparkliness and spirit are still there.”

 

He waited for me to walk away and then come back a few moments later to kiss him before making a joke about finding me the best home for the blind Medicare would pay for.