Mood:
chillin'It's late and I should either be asleep (I have to get up at 4:45 to make it to the polls when they open at 6:30 as I have a long drive) or working (I'm behind on getting pieces written for my work website) or uploading photos of the house to my Craigslist listing for the rental property or putting away things I've recently moved from the house or doing Reiki on myself or family members, but I'm sitting in the dark in my kitchen thinking instead. I can't really even say what I'm thinking about. It just seems as though I need a break from the constant motion that has been my life over the last five weeks and sitting here seems to be fulfilling some kind of need.
I have a busy week ahead--voting tomorrow morning, a membership meeting at the art co-op on Wednesday night, taking Hans to a reading by John Irving on Thursday night, taking my nephew out to hoot for owls on Friday night--and then I have a business opportunity I need to follow up on next week in addition to getting the house rented, the apartment organized finally, and my schedule for exercise and writing put in place.
I realized last week, somewhere around Tuesday, that I am depressed again. I had been chalking up a lot of things to boredom at work and stress at home, but the truth is I'm depressed. Not to the point that I'm failing to see options or thinking about doing anything stupid, just to the point that I'm not using my time well, I'm constantly fatigued, and I'm mostly disinterested in things. At the same time I realized this, I also realized how truly little time there is in a day. I get up at 6:00, drive to work from 7:00 to 8:00, work until 3:30 or 4:00, drive for another hour+, take Kaija to the park, feed her dinner, get myself dinner (it takes me half an hour to make a salad!), watch an hour of t.v. with Hans and it's time for bed. There is an hour or 90 minutes in there somewhere that goes to things like opening mail, changing clothes, playing with the dog, doing laundry, updating Craigslist, trying to keep up with the email in my inbox. I could try to be more efficient about some of these things, but that won't be easy. Where is the time for exercise going to come from? Where is the time for writing going to come from? And I need more time for food prep. I can give up the hour of t.v. time with Hans, but if I do that, I won't see him at all during the week. So exercise time is going to have to come out of my current sleep budget, writing will have to take place during the half-hour I don't usually take for lunch, and food prep will have to happen on Sunday. I really don't know how people do it. I can only guess that they don't get enough sleep, which has been my strategy of late, but I can't maintain that much longer. I have to get at least seven hours on a regular basis and I am at my best when I can get nine. So what am I doing up rambling about this on my blog when I should be sleeping?
In addition to all the move craziness and trying to get caught up on things I haven't been moving quickly enough on at work, I'm still dealing with health issues and trying to solve them once and for all with medication and behavioral changes, and I'm trying to think about what kinds of issues I want to be thinking about and working on in the long run. I have a big birthday coming up in three months, and I want to feel like I'm contributing to something worthwhile as I enter the next decade of my life. I have avenues I'd like to pursue, but all of them are daunting for various reasons. My horoscope says I have to get moving on them pretty quick, though, as the first two weeks of November are the best opportunity I have had all year to break new ground. Yes, I know I'm being vague, but there are practical reasons for that now. As things progress, details will follow. For now, though, I am going to sleep. Breaking new ground requires that a girl be rested, after all.
Peace, love, and sweet dreams,
K
P.S. Let's get out and vote! I am praying for a smooth election with a clear victor and a quick acceptance of that victor by the American people. No hanging chads, no disenfranchisement, no 269-tie, no bitterness, no fear--just unity and hope.
