Relapse, Or Is It All in My Head?
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I have been worried for the last three days or so that my depression is returning. I let myself get totally stressed out last week at work and the camping trip did not start out with me at my best. By Saturday morning Dad was completely worn out, so we called it quits and headed home. Depression set in immediately, to the point that I actually found myself crying to my mother on the phone while I was driving home. Sunday was a little better, mostly because Hans is slowly coming back to me from wherever he went. He's taking an interest in my life and trying to find little ways to make me feel loved. He's apparently worried about me, too. We talked last night, after a really unhappy day for me at work where it became obvious that the stress is having a big impact on my health, and he wants me to get back into therapy. I think what he really wants is for me to get on medication, but I'm not there yet.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night, so I got up and read the Nonfiction Writing homework for the week. That was the perfect thing. I am getting a lot of energy out of this class, despite the fact that I am behind and will stay that way. When I finally went to bed, I fell right to sleep. I woke up feeling rested and relaxed and excited about writing. I was dreaming that I was submitting queries to magazines, but each time I mailed a submission, a dark haired man I did not know would stand between me and the editor and give me a kiss that my made me feel as though my toes were sinking into the earth. I think he was there to keep me "grounded," and to make sure I felt comfort and joy in the submission process rather than fear. Not a bad way to wake up.

Today is very cold, but the sun is out, and my planning meeting with Sudie went well this morning. Overall, I'm still feeling good.

And, yes, I know. The point of mindfulness is to stay in the moment and within myself. Whether or not the sun is shining should not really affect my well-being, but today it does.