Notes from October in North Carolina
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Yesterday on my way to work, the person I was following down Highway 70 was delivering newspapers at 55 miles per hour! They were driving an SUV so I couldn't tell how many people were in the vehicle, but I really hope the driver wasn't the one hurling the yellow plastic bags out the window!

Heating costs are expected to go up by a third (to a half?) this winter, and I'm wondering how the cost of standard gas and electricity will compare to the cost of "green" energy sources if it does? In NC, we have NC Greenpower where you can buy $4 blocks of renewable energy each month. How many blocks of Greenpower would North Carolinians have to purchase as a whole to realize a cost savings? What does that mean per household? Or maybe we're still not quite there yet?

I read an email forward yesterday in which someone suggested that if we as a nation boycott the two largest oil companies, Exxon and Mobil, for a year, they would be forced to lower the cost of gasoline. This would then force the smaller companies to lower their prices in order to stay competitive. Granted, I never took economics in college (yes, I now see the error of my ways), but this seems to make sense to my teeny, underutilized brain. I still avoid Exxon after the Valdez spill, but I may on the rare occasion stop at a Mobil station if I'm traveling. So playing along with this boycott would not be difficult for me, but I am torn. If gas prices go back down, then American consumers will continue to consume, Detroit will continue to crank out gas guzzling SUVs without remorse or vision, and the alternatives that are quick and close will not be implemented on any grand scale. But, then, I have family members who have to drive vans in order to transport medical equipment or just so that all the members of the household can arrive in the same place at the same time (and, yes, I still strongly believe in population control--replace yourself and that's it, but when multiples come along--with no medical inducement, btw--I also believe in exceptions) and I hate thinking about what it costs them to move from place to place. Plus, if I am going to pay $3-5 for a gallon of gas, I would like it to be because there is a gas tax accounting for a large chunk of that cost and that the tax is being used to fund forward-thinking energy programs, environmental conservation and restoration projects, or at least education so the kids being hauled around in those SUVs can grow up to make smarter decisions than the ones we're making.

I'm still trying to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from the organizational challenges I've been dealing with ever since Earth Share. Things with Sudie are every bit as difficult as they were at ESNC, except that Sudie doesn't really recognize the challenges or know what to do about them--at least Jill saw them and had a plan for resolving them, even if there wasn't time or money to implement those plans. I don't know if maybe the only lessons are practical ones? This is how you organize information, this is how you organize physical space, this is how you organize time. Or if there is also some spiritual lesson to be learned--like, do one thing at a time and do it well, or let go of perfectionism (Jill taught me this one), or just do the work in front of you, or FOCUS!, or Prioritize! All I know is that I hope there is a payoff.

We had our first day of sunshine since I've been home today and it was lovely!! I still miss fall in Michigan. Matt is having his get-together this Saturday in Ceresco and I sooo wish I could go. Campfire, crisp night air, people who love me....

Home Again, Home Again...
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Well, I'm back in North Carolina after a really lovely trip. It was amazingly hot and humid in Orlando--think North Carolina in July when the earth is breathing hot vapor on you at the same time the clouds are--but apparently it is now fall at home. Drizzly and cool and dark. Huh, sounds like Seattle....

The trip was wonderful. I loved spending time with the kids! The girls got used to me being around and call me by name now, which sounds something like "Shishi." And Brendan was my little sidekick at all the parks. I have to say, though, seven days at the happiest place on earth is too long. I got totally "consumered" out, even though I mostly bought Christmas presents for other people. Everything was just a little too expensive, too wasteful, too obviously designed to part you from your money with no long-term benefit. It was good, though, because it reminded me of who I am and what my values are, and despite the hectic pace, I came home rested and happy to return to my life.

It was also an excellent exercise in staying in the moment and not being attached to outcomes! With three kids in tow, it was best if the adults had no plans or expectations of their own. The minute you decided you had to ride this particular ride was the exact minute one of the kids would decide they had had absolutely enough and needed to leave that instant. It's good for me to not want anything every once in awhile.

I was able to read more of Full Catastrophe Living which just might "save my life," at least in a psychological sense. I had started the breathing meditation before I left for vacation, and now that I'm home I'm going to practice the full program for the next eight weeks to see what works for me. I need to integrate mindfulness into my life so deeply that I won't forget again!

There were signs today that tomorrow will be a rough day at work, but I talked to Scott for awhile tonight and he helped me relax. As he pointed out, there is nothing I can do about it tonight.

So I am off now to work on an assignment for my nonfiction writing class in which I am now quite far behind thanks to my little excursion.

Magical dreams, everyone....

Adios for Awhile
Mood:  happy
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I am preparing to leave for vacation, but wanted to put up a note that I wouldn't be blogging for the next twelve days or so. I have remote blogging capability, but nothing from which to blog remotely! So I will be relaxing at the happiest place on Earth with some of the happiest kids on Earth and really just taking a much needed breather.

I said good-bye to my therapist today because when my health insurance changes in October her services won't be covered under my new plan. That was sad but also something of a celebration because the distance she and I have covered in six weeks is astounding! I am seeing, and experiencing, my life so differently now than I was. The depression is gone and I am nothing but hopeful about the direction of my life. Marriage counseling comes next, which won't be a cake walk, but I am fine. I left with a plan of action, which really involves making no plans, that both my therapist and I feel very good about. I wish I'd gotten to this place sooner! The funny thing about life is that you get where you need to be when you need to be there, and there is no rushing it. So I'll just say that I'm so happy to be here now.

I bought myself a little present yesterday that makes me very happy, too. It's a little reminder to myself about who I am. Unfortunately I can't say more because I ordered a second one as my Christmas/Solstice gift to Tad and I don't want to ruin the surprise. It was just one of those happy little accidents that I happened to be in the right place and look down and see exactly what I was looking for without realizing that I was looking for it.

Oh, and I just realized this is my 100th post to this blog! Happy Anniversary!!

Okay. Enough babbling. To pack!

Peace, Love, and Every Wonderful Thing!!
K

Gifts from Animals
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I printed out the PETS Act petition page for Sudie to see when she comes home, and my eyes keep being drawn back to the photo of Mr. Kaufman and his beautiful 20-year-old dog Samantha. It occurs to me that perhaps the greatest gift an animal can give us is the opportunity to experience and express love. So many people have a difficult time relating to humans, or have few other humans available in their lives, but an animal receives and gives love so easily that those boundaries between individuals melt away.

We are on this planet to learn to love, and animals help enable us to fulfill that purpose. Doesn't that make them divine gifts from the universe?

Pets Evacuation and Transportation Standards Act (PETS Act, H.R. 3858)
Mood:  rushed
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Here is a link to www.thepetitionsite.com, where you can sign a petition to urge Congress to ensure that people do not have to choose between their own lives and the lives of their companion animals in the face of an emergency evacuation. The petition also urges support for the animals still stranded in the aftermath of Katrina.

I have spent many long moments with Kaija since Katrina hit being thankful that I did not have to make a choice between leaving her and saving myself, and promising both myself and her that, in that such an instance in the future, I absolutely would not leave her. She gives my life shape when I'm not strong enough to do that for myself, and, with my recent depression, she has been a constant source of comfort and companionship in an otherwise lonely house. I would risk my own safety for her life or for the lives of any of the animals who have given so much of themselves to me and those I love.

Our compassion needs to be great enough to include the lives of the animals with whom we share our homes and this planet. I think Katrina shows that compassion abounds--now we just need to ensure that it finds its way into our disaster preparedness plans.

New Endurance Event
Mood:  rushed
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I gave up the marathon and it seems that this past Sunday I engaged in an endurance event of a different nature. It didn't require swimming, biking, or running, but it did require a great deal of patience, staying in the moment, and stamina. And I did end up sunburned. I took Sudie's books, T-shirts, and note cards to an international festival in North Carolina that was organized by an arts council, so I was expecting high quality goods for sale. Unfortunately, it was little more than a flea market with a nice parade of people in attire from various nations and a good range of ethnic foods. In fact, if I wanted to make money yesterday, my best bet would have been to be selling food from Puerto Rico. There were a couple of potters who looked like they may have had quality work and a woman selling very cool drums made of gourds and stretched leather and a couple selling wooden items for the lawn and home that had obviously taken some time and talent, but very little else to recommend. Aside from Puerto Rican food, it looked to me like the bestselling item was a headpiece made from a halo of shimmery christmas garland--the kind that's made of foil stars that stand out from a wire--with long strands of different colored curling ribbon hanging down the back. Very discouraging.

A few nice people stopped and talked, and quite a few kids seemed really interested in the books, but as a whole the parents acted like they'd never seen a book in their lives. And the few who did stop were very disappointed that I wasn't the author. With the drive time and the four hours I was there set up and waiting for the festival to open, it was a fourteen hour waste of time. I passed out bookmarks, stickers, and business cards, and if I see an increase in the number of Internet orders coming from that part of the state maybe I'll change my mind, but, at this point I see it as a failed experiment. I could see my booth working in Seattle and Edmonds or at one of the higher end fairs around Los Angeles, but I don't think I'm in the right state to be selling books to the masses. Maybe if I were in Chapel Hill, but then, the Carrboro Book Fair (Carrboro is right next to Chapel Hill & where a lot of university types live) was also a bust for me in May and those few people who came were supposedly looking for books.

I guess I just have to keep looking for the place where these fit.

Blissed Out
Topic: Daily Eruptions
It's very late and I'm operating on only 4 hours sleep from last night, so I can't be here long, but I just had to say I had the best day I've had in AGES! I turned in a shitty first draft of a personal essay to the first meeting of an online writing class I'm taking--check out www,writersontherise.com--very late last night which was a huge high. My first completed draft of an essay in four years...man, time flies! (If you've been following along, you'll know that a shitty first draft is a good thing, even if it doesn't sound like it.) When I got up this morning, I expanded out my thinking on why I'd been resisting training well for the marathon to why I resist doing so many things that I initially am excited to do. I don't want to get into it now, but I think I can safely say major gestalt switch. Amazing! Tad and I and Hans and I have been talking about this forever, and I thought I saw it the way they did, until this morning when I realized that now I see it the way they do. Long story short, it's about locus of control....

More later. Just happy to say I'm happy and really experiencing a breakthrough on the magnitude of the one I made in college that ultimately saved my college career. This one, though, if I can integrate it, is going to be even bigger. YAY! Blissful, blissful day.

Learning...slowly
Mood:  happy
Topic: Marathon
Where to begin??

Yesterday was my long run day. I got up at 3:15 a.m. and was out the door by 4:20 with a goal of finishing 26 miles by 1:00 p.m. Ophelia brought the heat and humidity back to the state, so I was glad to be out running under the full moon before the sun heated everything up. The run started out well. It was supposed to be "24-26 miles, easy" according to the online training program I've been following. I don't know about anyone else, but for me, there is no such thing as an easy 26 miles. Still, I didn't want a repeat of the last long run, so I ran very conservatively. For the first half of every mile (for the first 12 miles), I ran for 1 minute followed by 1 minute walking and for the second half, I ran two minutes followed by 1 minute walking. I felt like I could have continued this for a long time, especially if the temperature stayed cool. At mile 12, I changed my route, so I was doing 3.5 mile circuits rather than .5 mile loops and getting some hill work in.

My plan for the workout was to try to be as efficient at each stage of the day as possible. By mile 15, however, my mind and heart were no longer in it. I wanted to sit down in the grass and cry. Instead, I called Hans who was cranky because I was interrupting his viewing of Sunday Morning who said I wouldn't know if I could actually finish a marathon until I actually competed in one. Not helpful or supportive, but I decided to keep going. The most efficient I could be was 1 minute running, 1 minute walking, so I continued this until mile 20. That sounds pretty lame, but I was actually happy, because by mile twenty on all other occasions I had already given in to just plain walking. As soon as I hit mile 20, though, every time I ran--no matter how slowly or granny-like I tried to do it--I started getting tiny little cramps at the intersection of my calf and the back of my knee. They weren't the charlie horse kind of cramp I am used to that locks my calf into one giant knot. They were very specifically located and sharp and actually felt more like I would imagine something tearing would feel than like a cramp. So I resigned myself to walking the last six miles.

I got to mile 25. It was already well past 1:00 p.m. and I made a decision.

I am not running the Marine Corps Marathon next month. Nor am I going to ask for a deferment until next year. I am not ready. If I could somehow manage to go at my own pace, and not get sucked into the pace of the crowd at the beginning, thereby avoiding the otherwise inevitable asthma attack, I think I could drag my ass over the 26.6 mile course. But it would not be fun or exciting or exhilarating. It would be torture, for me and for all the volunteers who would be waiting on me to finish. And, if I couldn't do that, and I started too fast, I would have the asthma attack, I would run out of energy too soon, and I probably wouldn't finish. Neither option is attractive to me right now.

Why should I race up to D.C. on Saturday, spend all the money on gas and a hotel room, then beat myself up for 9+ hours while Hans visits the new Indian museum alone, just to drive home Sunday night. If I'm going to spend that kind of money on my first visit to D.C. with Hans, it should have something fun in it! We both lived and worked there and we've always talked about going and showing each other our favorite things in the city, but I wouldn't have the energy to spare or the time for that this trip.

On Sunday it became very clear to me that forcing myself to endure the marathon next month was breaking the promise to myself I made at the end of my 2001 Half-Marathon finish. I promised myself that I would not do that to myself again until I was healthy and well trained and really ready. I am not healthy, well trained, or ready and I really have nothing to gain from punishing myself this way.

In February, when I needed to make the decision whether I was going to commit to this year's race, holding the marathon out as a goal was useful because it got me walking and I started eating better, although we all know that went out the window months ago. So, in some ways, this commitment served its purpose. I don't hate running anymore--one of my primary goals. And I can comfortably finish 8-10 miles and feel really good. Definitely more than I could ever say before. So good for me! I'm in a better place now than I was a year ago. On the other hand, the marathon training did not teach me the discipline I was hoping for with either my exercising or my eating on any kind of long-term basis. I was sporadic in my training, focusing on and completing the long runs on Sunday, but blowing off many of the shorter runs and weight sessions during the week. In that way, the marathon, by giving me a goal and an end to always be looking toward, really was a distraction from my true purpose of finding a healthy lifestyle that I can maintain every day.

I could spend the next six weeks intensely focusing on eating healthier foods to support my training and being a slave to my training schedule in the hopes--not of improving my speed because it's too late for that--of improving my overall fitness level so the marathon might be less painful and more enjoyable. Or, I could spend the next six weeks focusing on listening to what my body wants and learning how to take care of it on a daily basis so I can ultimately be who I want to be.

There will always be marathons and triathlons and every other kind of crazy endurance event I might want to try. But I'm not ready for them yet. By aiming to finish this particular marathon I was trying to reap the reward without doing the work to get there. I was skipping steps. Trying to move into a house I'd built that didn't have a sound foundation and was going to fall down around my ears at any moment. I don't feel any sadness in letting go of this particular goal. I want to hold onto the conditioning I have achieved, and build on that, but otherwise I'm ready to let this go.

My next task is to learn patience and love and to get back in touch with my body so we can be partners rather than enemies. And I need to remember that, just as I am not my thoughts, I am also not my body.

In other news, I finally got in to see a very kind psychiatrist in Greensboro today who said I seem to think things through well and had my recovery well in hand. At this point she didn't recommend, nor do I want, medication for depression. She told me to watch the episodes that look like hypomania and keep working with my counselor and to call her if anything changes, but she didn't think I was presenting as bipolar. Very good news!! (I'm sure Hans will disagree because he is absolutely convinced that I am bipolar and no one's going to change his mind. Will someone remind me again, why am I living with him?)

Overall, I am feeling peaceful and optimistic and really at home in myself today. Nice! Will have to remember to feel this way more often....

Jennifer Weiner's BFF
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Books
I'm sooo out of the loop with all the text messaging lingo and new acronyms...does BFF stand for Best Friend Forever? No, I don't have anything better to occupy my mind at the moment.

Living Vicariously
Mood:  silly
Topic: Books
I know I've written about Jennifer Weiner before, but here's a link to her blog http://jenniferweiner.blogspot.com/. I read her blog regularly (although I'm taking a break from her books after Good in Bed and In Her Shoes because there are only so many neatly happy endings I can take in close proximity), and her most recent post describes probably just about every 30-something female writer's dream.