Semper Fi
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird says she's heard addicts compare trying to get all their addictions under control to trying to tuck an octopus into bed.

That is such a great metaphor for my life! It speaks not only to my body issues, but also to my incessant search for the perfect schedule - the perfect way to rein in once and for all all the arms of my life. The scary thing is that my octopus has so many arms (multopus?), I sometimes forget about a couple of them altogether for long stretches of time!

Take my body issues. If I get the exercise thing down, I lose control of the food thing and eat whatever I want, thereby gaining fitness but not losing weight. Or, I'll get perfect control of my diet, but then can't think about anything but food all day - what I'm supposed to eat, what I'm going to eat, what I don't get to eat, what eating according to this particular plan will get me. For a few weeks at a time, I'll get the diet AND exercise arms tucked snugly into bed, but the keeping-the-house-neat and the writing-every-day arms will go flailing about. (Hans would say both of those arms have been flailing since we moved to North Carolina.)

Still, there has been some progress.

The Kristine-at-work arm is doing much better since I started working as Sudie's assistant/representative. I've admitted I'm a compulsive overeater and committed - again - to Dr. Dean Ornish's vegetarian 10% fat eating plan. I've lost 15 pounds since my diagnosis of fatty infiltration of the liver, and I am retraining my taste buds.

I've committed to running the Marine Corps Marathon on October 30, 2005 and have completed the 7 weeks of Prep training I had planned, working up to walking 10 miles last Sunday. This week I'm moving into Base 1 training. I bought new running shoes on Tuesday, switching from my familiar Brooks Addictions (for small to medium framed women) to Brooks Ariels (for medium to large framed women) and took them for their first run this morning. Very quickly they reminded me of another body-issues arm I've been completely avoiding - balancing out the muscles in my legs. When I injured my knee with overtraining and poor bike fit prior to the Big Ride, I learned that the outer muscles on my legs are much stronger (and tighter) than the interior ones. I did exercises to strengthen my inner thigh muscles, stretch out my outer thighs, and learn to walk less like a duck. Since I started training for this marathon, though, I've completely ignored strength training for my legs, concentrating only on my upper body so I'll have strength to keep my arms pumping and to expel air from my asthmatic lungs. The new shoes dramatically change my gait and make it very clear that my leg muscles are out of balance again. As I enter this next level of training, I have to get serious about balancing out my legs, stretching out my hips, and making sure I'm consistent with the yoga practice.

I wasn't able to run the marathon last year because I only trained sporadically and then took a night job that caused my hips to tighten up from sitting 13 hours a day. When I tried to get back to training in earnest, I repeatedly threw my hips out of alignment. I gave up completely on exercise until I started walking 7 weeks ago. In those 7 weeks, I've been scared to miss a single workout, and it's been one commitment to myself that I have honored. It has been exciting and reassuring to know that I can keep a promise to myself.

When I finished the Seattle Half-Marathon in 2002, I vowed not to put my body through any more distance events until I lost weight and was better trained. I need to be very well trained for this marathon. I don't want there to be any doubt about whether I can finish, and I don't want there to be any surprises. I want to know how my lungs are going to behave and what I can expect from my feet and legs. I want to finish strong with enough energy left to cool down so my lungs don't immediately constrict. I want to finish higher than last in my age group!

In my triathlon training in Seattle, I learned a lot about mental preparedness and about how to keep my head in the game. That will come in handy. I wish I got from running the emotional high I used to get after 30 minutes on my bike, but I'm having to learn to be happy knowing that by mile 5 I've found my rhythm and am feeling strong. There's no room for playing at training this time around, no room for sticking to the edges, no holding back. It's time for total immersion and 100% effort and 100% commitment. It's time to find out what I'm capable of.

There has been some progress in other areas, too. The house is finally organized and neat with "procedures" in place to make sure I hold up my end of the bargain in keeping it that way.

And, most importantly, I started writing spontaneously last night! Of course, the idea hit me while I was in my car stopped at a light, but I went home and straight to the computer and started typing. It's such a tentative thing, but it's a start and I can build on that.

One of the things I discovered in looking over my history of weight loss and gain is that when my life is full of good things and I am at peace with myself - when I really love who I am and confidently assert myself (as on the Big Ride or at Reclaiming Camp or when I was camping alone last summer) - food takes care of itself. My compulsions go away, and I do what I need to do to take care of myself. So as much as some of my goals are to lose weight, learn to enjoy eating in a healthy manner, and exercise every day, the main goal is to fill my life with things I love until there is no room left for anything that upsets or scares or shames me.

Which, of course, means I must write. Just as it's painful and senseless to pound my 196 pound body along blacktop for 13+ miles just to say I finished a half marathon, it's also painful and senseless to deny who I am every day by letting fear keep me from writing. There aren't enough excuses any more to keep me from it, and, if my life is about doing the things that scare me, then I need to be writing every day because writing is one of the scariest things I know. It's why I'm here. I keep coming back to it no matter how far away I run. Writing is the process by which I experience my life. By denying the process, I deny Life.

So maybe if neatness, and my work life, and diet, and exercise are all arms on my flailing octopus, maybe writing IS the octopus itself. Maybe, as long as the octopus is on the bed, it's okay if the arms - all of them - flail and dart and refuse to be tucked neatly in.

Quotes from Anne Lamott
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: Books
Two quotes from Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird:

Now, if you ask me, what's going on is that we're all up to here in it, and probably the most important thing is that we not yell at one another. p. 97

To be engrossed by something outside ourselves is a powerful antidote for the rational mind, the mind that so frequently has its head up its own ass--seeing things in such a narrow and darkly narcissistic way that it presents a colo-rectal theology, offering hope to no one. p. 102

Adventure Correction
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I need to make a correction to my earlier post from today. I said I hadn't had a good adventure since 2001, but, in all honesty, I did do a solo trip to Michigan's Upper Peninsula last summer. It wasn't high adventure--there were no bicycles involved, no canoes or kayaks, no backcountry hiking--but it was my first solo camping trip, despite the fact that I am 36 years old and started thinking about camping alone when I was about 19.

I flew, rented a car, did LOTS of driving, and camped in your standard issue Michigan State Parks, so, on the surface, not adventurous at all. I did, however, drive over the Mackinac Bridge twice, by myself, without hyperventilating or losing feeling in both of my arms or feeling like the suspension lines were collapsing on me.

And, even though I have traveled alone (and, more importantly, moved to new states alone), this was my first trip without an itinerary and without a group of strangers along for the same adventure. I learned the very important lesson that I can travel alone and have a great time!

I was worried that the minute I got on the airplane, or left Matt Nield's mother's house after the reunion, I would feel that awful, I'm-so-lonely, sick to my stomach feeling that I know so well. But it never came! I felt sad saying good-bye to Tad, and Sean made me feel sick to my stomach for a reason that had absolutely nothing to do with being lonely, but I felt strong, complete, and at peace the entire time I was traveling. A real revelation! A definite milestone. Plus, the writing I did while I was there helped me move to new places in my thinking and in the ways I've shaped my life since.

So, even though it was only a relaxed vacation on my own, I don't get to forget about it or start feeling sorry for myself that I haven't had any adventures lately. My whole life is adventure--it's just a matter of degrees. The Green River writing adventure just happens to be of a degree that I find particularly enticing right now.

Kaija, Devouring Pam Houston's Sight Hound, and a Wish
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Books
I'm actually feeling quiet and small, and not really the "lazy" I chose above, but tripod doesn't offer quiet or small icons, and I like the idea of swingin' in a hammock under a blue sky today, so that's the best I could do. Kaija had her canine hysterectomy on Friday and is still recovering and a bit sad from that, so she and I are just hangin' out and being still today. I slept in later than usual because Hans brought her upstairs this morning before he left for work and she was in the mood to cuddle. I'm feeling guilt over getting her spayed, but she's two and Hans and I aren't in any situation to handle breeding her right now. Plus, I would have felt even guiltier if I'd let her have puppies and hadn't let her keep any of them. So I'm hoping she'll forgive me, heal quickly, and get back to her rambunctious, wiggle-butt self pretty soon.

To visit Kaija's web page, go to: Woodland Manor Kennel

Friday night was the only night Hans and I have spent without Kaija since we got her, and Hans said he didn't mind if I stayed up late because Kaija wouldn't keep him awake waiting for me to come to bed. So, I stayed up to start reading Pam Houston's new book, Sight Hound, and I did not savor it as I had planned to do. I devoured it. I try very hard with books by Pam Houston or Barbara Kingsolver to read slowly, in small, measured chunks. But, I ended up reading 170 pages on Friday night, and I've read another 70 pages since. The book is flying by altogether too quickly!

Hans read the book first, at my request, and it's interesting how different his take on it was than mine. He loved the portions written by the cat (as did I), but overall said the book was too whiney (which is also the major criticism he has of my Your Mileage May Vary manuscript), which I'm not getting at all. When I asked him about it yesterday, he said maybe "whiney" was the wrong word, but he didn't offer another one. The major female character, Rae, claims to barely be a woman, and Hans felt that her husband, Howard, is barely a man, and I pointed out that that could also describe me and Hans, which Hans didn't disagree with. He also suggested that his being harder on the book and Pam/Rae than I was is also typical of us.

All I know is that I'm loving it. I love that it's written in so many different voices--even though much of the information being passed along is actually about Rae--and that it gives glimpses into so many different lives. And some of the characters enter quite late in the story. I'm particularly intrigued by Jodi, a woman who married a man 27 years older than her and who is now living on a ranch raising bison and protecting an aquifer that exists just under her and her husband's land. I'm going to be sad when the book is done.

I keep playing with the idea of taking one of Pam Houston's writing workshops, and I finally found the PERFECT one. It's happening in September. Instead of meeting in a classroom, however, or at her ranch in Colorado, it's a women's wilderness canoe trip down the Green River in Utah's canyonlands! Class 1 water with paddling in the mornings, writing or hiking in the afternoons, and discussion in the evenings. I SO want to go! It's not far from where Chad is living in Colorado, so for an extra $60 I could get a van to drop me off nearby and I could get in a visit with him and Latoya and see the house they're fixing up. The cost is very reasonable--only $875--which includes everything except transportation, and Hans agrees I should go. The only thing is I'm trying to figure out how to go to Disney World with my sister's family and my parents that same month, and I have the US Marine Corps Marathon the next month, so finances are really tight. Maybe when I know more about Hans's new job and when/whether we're moving to Greensboro, I'll be able to make a decision. I need to find a way to bring in more income, and this might be a good motivator. Plus, I haven't had a good adventure since Danskin Triathlon Camp in 2001. I'm due. When I was younger, I used to be able to write in my journal what I wanted to happen, and those things would happen, as though my guardian angel had been reading over my shoulder. So I'm sending this little wish into the Universe and, maybe, if it's meant to happen, my angels will help me figure out how.

To read more about Pam or Sight Hound, visit: www.pamhouston.net

35th Anniversary of Earth Day
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Earth Day 2005 and the Great Smoky Mountains National Park made it clear that President Bush and his Clear Skies Initiative were unwanted! Who says the Earth can't fight back!

In all fairness, the Earth may have been getting a little even with me today, too. After weeks of raving about how my new medications and my allergy shots were finally paying off, I got totally knocked on my ass yesterday by the stinging, puffy eyes, the runny nose, the sneezing. I managed to pull every muscle in my back and today, when my head, throat, and lungs are filled with crud, it hurts to cough or clear my throat or blow my nose. I spent the whole day looking out on a gorgeous 80+ degree day through glass. I can't even say that I'm going to get around to buying flowers for the little planter on my porch this weekend. Maybe the Planet was telling me that on the 15th Anniversary of Earth Day 1990--the one that changed my choice of career--I should be working a little harder on her behalf.

I'll go contemplate that now while I use half a box of Kleenex (insert registered trademark symbol here) and finally get down to reading Pam Houston's Sight Hound. (Hans's mom sent it to me for my birthday and I haven't let myself read it because I have to savor Pam and there was too much going on in my life over the past two months to be able to do that. Seems wrong to finally let myself have the pleasure of reading this book on the same day the planet decided to punish me ;)

Peace

Novatrix - She Who Makes New
Mood:  happy
Topic: Writing
When I was no older than kindergarten or first grade, I remember Captain Kangaroo reading a picture book about a group of mice. All the mice worked all summer long gathering food for storage for the coming winter. All the mice, that is, except one. This mouse sat perfectly still in the same place on top of a rock wall in the sun. All the other mice thought this one was lazy, but still the mouse sat alone in the sunshine. When the other mice asked what he was doing, he told them he was soaking up colors. All the other mice laughed, the point of such a pursuit incomprehensible to them. But the following winter, when the world was dark and gray, the mouse who had stored up all the colors of summer forgave the others for laughing and shared with the other mice the beautiful yellows, greens, reds, blues, and purples he had stored up. The world that had been gray and cold was suddenly warm and filled with brilliant color, and all the mice were grateful to the lone mouse for his foresight and contribution.

I have been collecting colors for a long time now, and the urge to share them or in some way use them is growing stronger.

I may not be the most original thinker, but I am a synthesizer. A global thinker with a well developed corpus collosum. I have been watching several trends in the world and trying to see how they are connected. It's been frustrating because I have a solid sense that they are connected, but I don't have the right distance or the right lens or a large enough map to lay them out on or the right knowledge base to see how they fit together. So I am groping around in the dark, only able to see a few feet ahead of me and failing also to find the language to express even why I am certain of the connections.

Accompanying this sense of synchronicity and parallel progressions is also a sense that there is something for me to DO. A role for me to play, a place where finally all the preparation will pay off and all of my skills will be needed. I don't think I'm talking about Destiny here, just the practical application of knowledge, skill, and intuition, and a way to make a satisfying contribution. Something to bring my whole self to.

And so the need to be writing has increased again. That's where this blog's origins are. Hans and I are having our perpetual disagreement over whether an activity I feel is important to my writing--in this case, a blog site--is really fueling my writing or distracting me from writing. All I know is that for months I have felt an urgency to write and yet have been paralyzed. The two short stories I have started since my solo trip to Mackinac last July stalled very early in my efforts. I am feeling a need to write well the first time around and I haven't given myself permission to write what Anne Lamott lovingly calls "shitty first drafts," and so when I can't tweak the language that's already on paper any further, I stop writing. My first attempts at poems have felt completely uninspired (often making me wish I were drawing or painting, instead of trying to use words), and so also have been abandoned.

Yet I feel energy around this site. If writing here regularly gets me writing again at all, then I'm going to cheer and just keep blogging. At the very least, I feel this is an indication that I am ready to re-engage with the world again. To think out loud, even if no one listens. To claim my 40 acres of cyberspace and cultivate all that I'm able.

In trying to come up with a name for my blog, I was playing with the lavaflower idea, which started out a long time ago in Seattle after The Big Ride with me trying to figure out how to make "lava" into a verb. It became lavaflow and then lavaflow-er, but that instantly became lava/flower, a noun again. It has stuck. I like the image of a flower--in my mind, a fuschia orchid--surrounded by hot lava but still fresh and impervious. Recently, for my writer-for-hire work on Sudie's Divination Card project, I have been researching the Goddess Pele. This time around, I was thinking I would like to incorporate her into the lavaflower idea. A painting by Herb Kawainui Kane printed in The Heart of the Goddess by Hallie Iglehart Austen gave me the image of Pele as a young woman with lava flowing from the top of her head down over bronzed shoulders. So now I see the flower as an orchid tucked behind Pele's ear with lava flowing around it. The idea that interests me most about Pele is that of new earth, the way lava flowing into the sea actually expands edges of islands or creates completely new land masses that, once cooled, can become fertile ground for new life.

So I was playing around with a Latin dictionary on the Internet, trying to figure out how to say "New Land"--terra nova?--and I came across the word "novatrix: she who makes new" which plastered itself all over my brain and insisted I embrace it. And so I have.

I haven't figured out how to add the subtitle "She Who Makes New" to this page yet, and at some point I want to design and insert a graphic logo, but for now, I will have to make new with a bare bones blog site on a small corner of my cyber claim.

Love,
Novatrix a.k.a. lavaflower a.k.a. Kristine

Habesne testiculos?
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: American Girls by Counting Crows
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Habemus Popem! Testiculos habet et bene pendentes.
Or, perhaps I should say, Ford's in his Flivver, and all's well with the world!?

Even though I am enchanted with the idea of being a pilgrim, especially in Rome where many millenia of worshippers have already celebrated their union with the Divine, and as much as I would have liked to be in Rome for this week's events, in the end I find I am disappointed in the outcome of the papal election. The world cannot afford a "transitional Pope." The sea-change is already underway and the Catholic Church, as have so many other large governing bodies, has missed the boat. The Church had an opportunity to distinguish itself as a true leadership force for the 21st Century--or at least as a force attempting to keep up with the evolving needs of the people--but instead it clung to tradition and orthodoxy and has thereby demonstrated its irrelevance in a world that is changing beneath our feet at a phenomenal rate.

Just as the current U.S. Administration fails to acknowledge the true state of our environment (even though President Bush will likely celebrate Earth Day on Friday breathing dangerously polluted air in America's most endangered National Park, the Great Smoky Mountains) and clings to the idea that our country is an island that somehow exists completely separate from--above, even--the other nations with whom we share this planet, the Catholic Church fails to acknowledge the true social, economic, and health concerns facing much of the world's people.

Ice shelves are melting, glaciers are slamming into the sea at a much faster rate than predicted, some islands already are in danger of submersion, and the most recent report suggests that even if we abruptly stop burning fossil fuels today, we still will see sea levels rise for several centuries to come. And if we don't stop abruptly?

Drinking water wars are escalating, in the western United States and in other countries where provinces are fighting each other not only over who owns the rights to rivers and aquifers, but also to the rain that falls.

The Internet and globalization have flattened the world and we are becoming ever more interdependent with citizens of other countries.

At the same time, the distance between the Haves and the Have-Nots is quickly expanding.

How does a transitional Pope speak to any of those issues? How is the government of the United States dealing with those issues?

Rather than clinging to centuries-old ideas of morality, law, separation, and domination, the world needs to quickly create entirely new paradigms in which to experience life on this planet, because life on this planet is changing.

I sound like a lunatic shouting, "the sky is falling," but actually I intend just the opposite. I believe that we are on the leading edge of a major upheaval unlike any experienced by humans before. I also believe that, while this holds the possibility of devastating consequences, a shift in human consciousness is also underway that will enable us to find ways to rapidly transform human society to deal with the changes afoot and ultimately create a more sustainable, equitable, and cooperative global community.

The question, then--the really exciting question--is, if the governments and traditional leadership bodies already in place are too large, too entrenched, too self-involved, too scared, where will the new leaders come from?

Maybe instead of inspecting a prospective Pope's genitals to make sure he's not a woman in disquise, we should find out if he knows how to swim.