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BustGirlWideWeb
Novatrix
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
!!!!
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: You Inspire Me (album) by Curtis Stigers (yes, Keith, I'm in a jazz groove--I figure it'll take another week to recover!)
Topic: Writing
Okay, so I'm weak.

I sent the story by email to Scott and John last night before I finally dragged myself off to bed, but I haven't heard from either of them and I couldn't wait any longer. I asked Hans to read the story. He very sweetly agreed and promised that he would read it as the work of fiction it is intended to be (so as to avoid marital disharmony :) ).

Our ritual is that when we hand each other a manuscript to critique, we also hand over two pens--one with blue ink for comments in the margins, one with red ink for editor's marks (that is, one for big red slashes to show what absolutely MUST come out!). I set these things on the coffee table next to his place on the couch and went into the kitchen to give him space and to pretend that I don't get nervous any more when I've handed something off to him.

He spent so long with it--he's a very fast reader and it's only two and a half pages long--I was sure he was trying to find a nice way to tell me that after I bounced all day thinking I had broken new personal ground, I had in fact written a sucky piece of trite crap. But, at last, I heard him call out, "I think it's great. I think it might be the tightest, best thing you've ever shown me. You just need to get rid of the pinball reference because it doesn't work with all the gambling references." Then, after I silently shouted, "YES!!" he walked into the kitchen and started peeling a mango. He concluded, "I'll read it again, but at this point I can't even think of any places to make red marks."

His voice didn't have the same exuberance as it did when he told me my last story was the best I'd ever written, but that was ten years ago (GASP!!) and I'm sure the last ten years with me have beaten some of that exuberance out of him. This is still by far the highest praise I can get, from Hans or anyone, so I am majorly happy!!

I already had a question in my own mind about whether the pinball reference muddied the waters, so it won't be difficult to kill that darling. (I can save it for something else because Hans assures me it's not trite.) I need to rework that one image and find a title, and then it's time to move on to something else.

I can't believe it's been ten years since I finished a piece of short fiction! I've written a 420-page book manuscript in that time and a handful of essays and poems and trade journal articles and a bunch of newsletter copy, but I have a lot to learn about consistency. I've taken two solid years off since I moved to North Carolina and now it is time to finally get serious again.

But, for one more night, I will go to bed happy that I finished this particular story and that it doesn't suck! (In grad school, Michael and I agreed that if I ever went on tour, the posters would have to say, "and she doesn't suck.")

P.S. I got to see Curtis Stigers and Tri-Fi in concert last Thursday and again Saturday, and I can't get them out of my head! If you want to check them out, please do:

Curtis Stigers, www.curtisstigers.com,

Tri-Fi, www.tri-fi.com;

or you can check out the guys' music careers individually,

Matthew Fries, jazz pianist, www.matthewfries.com,

Phil Palombi, jazz bassist, www.philpalombi.com,

and the one closest to my heart, Keith Hall, jazz drummer, www.keithhallmusic.com.

These guys really swing!

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, May 26, 2005 1:17 PM EDT
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Apparently, sublimation of sexual energy works, too
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Writing
Wow! I had a really crazy day with unfocused energy spilling out of me in every direction. It was a struggle to focus at work at all, and I have to get that under control quick because, as always, there is a ton to do and, with the holiday coming, this week would be a good week to get caught up.

I came home tonight wanting to do something with all the energy, and since it was thundering and pouring down a really cold rain and I didn't have the fortitude to go for a run, I sat down at the computer and wrote for thirty minutes before going downstairs to make dinner. Then, after watching the season finale of The Medium on DVR, I came back upstairs and wrote for another two hours.

I went back to a short story I started on my trip to Mackinac last year after a discussion I had with Tad. I had written about a page and a half of it and was convinced that it was going to be a short-short, in part because at 700 words, I couldn't figure out how to move it forward any further. So the story (still untitled) has sat on my desktop for the past ten months without any work being done on it. Tonight, I tried to tell myself I only needed to write one paragraph. It didn't even need to be the next paragraph or a paragraph that stayed. I just needed to pursue an idea, any idea, to find movement again. Anne Lamott's encouragement in Bird by Bird to write shitty first drafts and to write small chunks just to keep writing came back to me over and over, and somehow my own words came.

I finished a first draft! It's only about 1,047 words right now after I managed to whittle about sixty words out of it. I know, it's weird for me to be worrying about taking words out rather than putting them in, but I really think this might be my first successful short-short, and I may need to find a way to carve away another 47 words.... It's another relationship story (surprise, surprise) told in second person present tense--again--but this time the "you" it addresses is male instead of female. I'm amazed and happy to say that I have a first draft of anything at this point, and I'm especially happy to have brought this idea around!

The next step is to figure out who I can show the draft to. Usually Hans sees everything first. This time, though, because of the subject matter--an adulterous kiss--it may be better if I save showing it to him until I have some idea of the story's merit. No need bringing up any unfounded worries about our relationship in his mind if the story sucks! I probably should show it to a woman first, but I don't really have any established reader/writer relationships with my few female friends. So it's just a matter of which male friend I'm going to stick with the task....

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 11:22 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, May 25, 2005 9:22 AM EDT
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Monday, May 9, 2005
Random Craziness
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Footloose by Kenny Loggins
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Only I could go to a book fair and leave with the contact information for two therapists! One is a psychic, the other is a hypnotherapist. I'm considering seeing them both, the hypnotherapist first to work on my eating disorder, then the psychic therapist to work on long-term patterns, especially pertaining to relationships and perfectionism and my need to always be in control. I need to look into whether my health insurance would cover either of these, and, if not, I probably won't be able to make an appointment with either woman until the end of the summer after we move to Greensboro (it looks like this is going to happen in June or July) and we see what money looks like.

Saturday's book fair was weird in other ways, too. I may have made some good contacts for Sudie, and maybe one or two other good contacts for myself, but I didn't sell anything. I spent the whole eight hours trying to exude an air of approachability and friendliness to entice people standing in the middle of the room to actually come to the table. I couldn't even get people to take free postcards or sign up for a raffle of one of Sudie's prints. Very odd!

The coolest part was learning about the large number of small presses operating around the Triangle. Several of the other exhibiting presses were also home-based, and by comparison, we were large because, with two people, we were twice the size of the others! And I met a very inspiring twenty-two year old woman who is graduating from college this month and opening her own used bookstore next month!

Overall, though, a very draining experience. It probably didn't help that I'd thrown my body chemistry out of whack with a three day binge leading up to the event. I had been eating low-fat vegan brownies (made with white flour), pizza--with cheese, meat, and white flour--at Brendan's birthday party and again the next day when Sudie and I met Anna (my predecessor at Winged Willow Press) for lunch, and caffeinated Mountain Dew. There is some part of my brain that is truly defective--when I was thinking about the Mountain Dew, I looked first for caffeine-free, but when I didn't find it, I promised myself that I would drink the caffeinated stuff early enough in the day that it wouldn't interfere with my sleep. But, what I have proven to myself over and over again, and what I forget over and over again, is that caffeine is bad for me, not so much because it messes with my sleep, but because it messes with my emotions. It sounds insane, but when I have caffeine in my body, I am much more likely to have mood swings. Especially scary is that I am also more likely to get attacked by free-floating guilt. I suddenly start feeling like a total degenerate--like I've done something terrible to someone--but I have no idea what that something was.

The binge continued through the weekend, with more pizza, Mountain Dew, chocolate, ice cream, and donuts. Basically, I hit everything on my prohibited list. When I tried to join Overeaters Anonymous in Los Angeles, I couldn't take it. Going to meetings sent me into horrible binges and crying fits and amplified the behavior I was trying to stop. Plus, it made me angry to have to give control of what I put in my body to someone else. Reading Passing for Thin has helped me understand the OA process a little better, though, and helped me acknowledge the depth of my problem and that the behavior has reached a dangerous level. I have found two meetings in Raleigh, and I may have to break down and actually go. So much in my life is getting better right now, it's hard to think about putting myself through that level of pain. I do understand now, however, the necessity of creating that prohibited list, and I also understand that there is no room for flexibility where it is concerned. My plan to have one day a month where I could eat whatever I want won't work. The minute I make one exception, I've triggered the binge and it will be days before I get back on track. Somehow, I have to create a mental world in which I absolutely understand that Mountain Dew, chocolate, cheese, and white flour are absolutely toxic substances inside my body. It sounds so simple, yet it's so complicated. Following the diet controls the eating disorder but triggers other control and perfection issues--it's all such a mess!

Last night was a new moon, and I woke up this morning with no feelings of guilt over the binge and a renewed level of energy. It looks like maybe I haven't caught Hans's sinus infection afterall, and I'm feeling better physically than I have in a week. I've managed to reign in the food stuff, too. I printed out a blank page for my diet log this morning and have dutifully recorded every bite. So far, I've stuck to Dean Ornish's rules and avoided everything on my personal "prohibited" list--it helps that I don't have a car on Mondays. My next step is to make lunch for tomorrow so I don't find myself pulling into a drive-thru and figuring out whether I should go to the OA meeting tomorrow night. I really don't want to have to go the OA route, but it may be necesssary.

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 3:29 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, June 9, 2005 1:59 PM EDT
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Friday, May 6, 2005
Procrastination Pays Off
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Writing
I may have finally found the tool to get me writing every day! Typically, I have a feeling in my body that says I want to write, but that feeling gets drowned out by all the voices in my head that say I don't have anything to write about, and even if I did, nothing I wrote would be any good. So I find ways to procrastinate. I especially like it when Hans turns on a recorded episode of Charlie Rose just as I'm heading up the stairs to the computer and I hear a voice or a sentence that interests me and end up sitting on the couch for an hour watching the root-of-all-evil-machine that sits above our fireplace.

But, tonight, I need to be doing work to get ready for a book fair where I'm representing Winged Willow Press tomorrow, and, while I came home and marched right upstairs without even getting dinner first, it is now 9:10 p.m. and I have yet to do any real work.

First, I wrote an email to Kathy who sounded a little overwhelmed and depressed the last time she and I talked. In the email, I told her about a silly exercise I did once to make myself feel better when I was feeling depressed and had very low self-esteem. So I had to go find the journal in which I had written the exercise. Then, I got sucked into reading the journal, or at least the first half, which was about all of the events in my life that had led me to that particular dark place. Now, I was depressed. All the things that had made me feel small and sick to my stomach all those years ago, still made me feel small and sick tonight. I went downstairs in search of a man to hug me, and Hans, with no complaint, got up from his episode of Charlie Rose and indulged me, which made Kaija jealous. Hans picked her up and we made a Kaija sandwich, which made her happy and helped me, too.

When I came back upstairs to my office, my mind was still in procrastination mode, however, and I suddenly felt an urge to write down a scene I'd been imagining today. It is a very small scene that involves only about four lines of dialogue between two people who haven't seen each other in a long time and is something of a stereotype reversal. I gave myself 10 minutes to write down the bare bones skeleton of it, just so I wouldn't forget it, and told myself I would get to work immediately after.

I wrote for an hour and ten minutes.

So, the key to getting myself to write is to bring home work that I want to avoid doing!

The work isn't difficult or scary, but I put in a crazy day today chasing lots of details in lots of directions, and, as Chad insists, I probably have ADD anyway. (Go Bouncing Brains!)

Somehow, the scene actually became a story. It started out with me writing it as though it were stage direction, describing a man and a woman, without giving them names, and the scene in which they were meeting. But then I started going into backstory, filling in details that described their overall relationship and the last time they saw each other and hitting highlights that brought it to the present moment with the man standing outside the woman's hotel room door about to knock. It's a shitty first draft that jumps tense like crazy, but it's three pages and there are a few sentences and some images that are inspired. And, in my typical form, I had to go and make it difficult. At some point I realized I was writing a story. Then I realized that it was actually going to be possible to write the whole story referring to the characters as only the man and the woman and he and she. Then I realized it was going to be possible to write the whole story about the man and the woman in present tense. Sure, it's not my signature second person present tense, but it's difficult and crazy anyway.

And I'm very happy to be writing again! So far this week these are just little pieces here and there that may not go anywhere, but the writing muscles are being used! Life is being lived! I am being me.

Stray thought: Should I refer to my office as a studio, instead?

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 9:45 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, May 7, 2005 6:09 AM EDT
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Done gone 'round the bend
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: The Geeks Get the Girls by American Hi-Fi
Topic: Daily Eruptions
The lines may be clearly drawn between me and most of the rest of the world, but where they're drawn may be up for debate!

I commute by car more than 100 miles per day four days a week in the "country's worst non-urban traffic" (don't give me crap about the environmental impact of this because I hate it, I'm working on it, and if I could stop tomorrow I would, but so far, there's no way around it), and it is not a secret to anyone who knows me that I am prone to little fits of road rage. I've even taken a test put out by my car insurance company, and it's a good thing no one saw the results but me, because I think I answered "yes" to 7 out of 10 questions. I don't remember exactly what that means, just that I was in the serious road-rager category. Thankfully, in the last month, I've started using highways instead of the I-40 freeway, and my level of tension has eased up some, and my speed has backed down by about 10 miles per hour.

However, I am not completely cured because the same day I found myself singing outside the post office, I also caught myself yelling at a pigeon that wouldn't get out of the road. I was doing about 15 miles an hour on a little-used street in downtown Durham, and the pigeon was squarely in the middle of my lane pecking at something flat and yellow on the blacktop. I had to come to a complete stop about ten feet from it before the bird finally decided to slowly waddle out of my lane into the oncoming traffic lane. I watched my hands rise from the steering wheel, palms facing the heavens, as the words, "Come on, come on! Haven't you ever heard of flyin'?" escaped from my mouth.

Yeah, clearly drawn.

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 6:08 PM EDT
Updated: Friday, May 6, 2005 6:14 PM EDT
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Wednesday, May 4, 2005
L-O-L-A, Lola
Mood:  happy
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I had a difficult time falling asleep last night for the first time in months, and just as I was getting drowsy I got a phone call from someone looking for Charles (a wrong number, for anyone who doesn't know).... I woke up this morning with a headache and still feeling exhausted. I skipped my morning weight routine (have to make that up tonight), and was worried that my day was getting off on the wrong foot, as it so often does.

After I dropped Hans off at work, I decided to stop at the Durham post office because they open at 7:30 and the one I use for work in Carrboro doesn't open until 8:30. Monica, the clerk--who even remembered my name (how's that for USPS customer service?!)--and I had a nice little chat about my new job, and I left feeling lighter and happy to have made that slight connection with someone.

Back outside on the sidewalk, however, I got the weirdest look from a man in a blue business suit who looked to be in his mid-thirties. It only took a second for me to realize that I, in my jeans and purple t-shirt (we're celebrating Brendan's fourth birthday tonight and purple is his favorite color), had just skipped down the ten steps leading out of the post office singing Lola, out loud. You know, "...can't understand why she walked like a woman and talked like a man; oh my Lola, L-O-L-A, Lola...." I started laughing, but the man just kept walking. I've been in the best mood ever since!

When I was 22 and working for U.S. PIRG in Washington, D.C., I used to love the mornings when I got to deliver information to the offices in the Dirksen Senate Building. I felt very powerful to be bouncing in and out of government buildings wearing my jeans with gaping holes in the knees and an Earth Day t-shirt while everyone else was wearing the Hill Uniform, a blue suit with a wide-striped tie. The lines were so clearly drawn. I realized this morning that they still are.

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 10:20 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, May 4, 2005 4:58 PM EDT
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Monday, May 2, 2005
Problem Solved?!
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: American Idiot by Green Day
Topic: Marathon
YAY!! As much as I love R & E Cycles in Seattle for custom building my Stellar, I love Inside Out Sports in Raleigh for helping me figure out this whole running shoe thing! Jason at IOS, who sold me the Brooks Ariels last Monday, very kindly helped me solve my pain problem tonight. He watched me walk in a pair of Adrenalines that felt very similar to what I was used to in the Addictions, then watched me walk in the Ariels and agreed with my original conclusion that the Ariels were the better shoe for me because they reduced my overpronation. He was willing to switch them out for a pair of Adrenalines, though, if I thought that was going to cause me less pain, which I thought was very cool. I decided to stick with the Ariels, instead, and do the necessary work to strengthen my inner leg muscles and stretch out my hips. So he helped me find a pair of heavy duty but not expensive arch supports, and I think that's going to take care of it! I wore them to walk Kaija when I got home tonight and no pain, just plenty of cush! Tomorrow will be the real test because it's a run day, but even if it takes me a few weeks to build back up to being able to do long distances without pain, I think it's worth the short-term setback to make sure that I'm balancing out my leg muscles and getting the healthiest stride. So tomorrow will be yoga followed by a 30 minute run followed by more stretching and inner thigh exercises with a step and hospital tubing.

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 6:58 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, May 2, 2005 7:02 PM EDT
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Sunday, May 1, 2005
Base 1 Training Starts
Now Playing: Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson
Topic: Marathon
In my marathon training, I moved up to Base 1 training today. This was the first week since I started training for the marathon that my "long day" decreased distance rather than increasing. I only had to do 5 miles, rather than last week's 10, which mentally was great! It was an interval workout, though, and for the first time on a distance day I added in "running." I only ran 1 minute out of every five, but those minutes were a breeze and I didn't miss any of them. If I hadn't done all the prep over the last seven weeks, I wouldn't have been able to say that.

People following Jeff Galloway's virtual training program--the free program offered to marathon participants from the USMC Marathon site--started training this past Monday, so I feel like I'm doing pretty well to be where I am right now. This is where things are going to start getting difficult, and I'm glad it's happening now rather than in June. My chances of staying motivated to stick it out are definitely better this way.

I spent quite a bit of time researching shoes before I went to buy a new pair last Monday, and I am a little discouraged because even though the Ariels felt like the exact right thing on paper, they kill me when I move. In the store, and just walking around the house, they feel like a dream. Tons of cushion and room and just absolutely lovely. But I hardly have to walk out the front door before the pain starts. I don't know if they are the right shoe and my feet hurt because they are having to build up strength in places they are weak in order to correct my gait, or if they are the wrong shoe and I should go back to my Addictions, which aren't perfect, but are familiar. I walked only a tenth of a mile in them this morning before going back home and putting on the old broken down Addictions. I hadn't wanted to risk running in old shoes and so had been putting off running until I could get the new ones. But this morning it seemed every bit as likely that I would injure myself running in the new Ariels, and very unlikely that I would even be able to finish the workout. The old shoes did okay for me, and I didn't experience any real pain.

Even though this workout felt pretty easy on my body, it was the first workout that was mentally difficult. I had to do some real talking to myself in the first half hour. It was definitely full daylight by the time I got out of the house this morning--a no-no now that the heat and humidity finally seem to be upon us--and I think I felt embarrassed to be out attempting to run intervals. I'm sure the neighbors already think I'm nuts when I go out walking for hours at a time on Sunday mornings, doing figure-eights that take me past the house twice each circuit. But to add in running, which for me is still little more than a shuffle, and only for a minute at a time, so that anyone who cared to watch would be able to see me start and stop again, just seemed to be the thing that showed exactly how crazy and out of shape I am. I called myself a moron at one point for even thinking I could attempt a marathon, which was finally what caught my attention and clued me in to my negative self-talk. I very patiently explained to myself AGAIN that it is not about how I look, what other people think, or comparing myself to anyone else. My marathon effort is totally personal. It's about me trying to learn to love to run. It's about me getting regular exercise. It's about me losing weight that needs to come off for serious health reasons. It's about me finding discipline. It's about me removing another obstacle between me and Ironman. It's about me carrying through on a commitment to myself. It's about me competing with myself and my history, and no one else.

This helped, and, by minute 55, I was feeling really good. My stride length had increased and so had my effort during the run minutes, most of which fell on uphill sections. Maybe I just need to expect that the good vibes and the good body feelings take twice as long to come when I'm running than when I'm on the bike. Thirty minutes on the nose for biking, 50 - 60 minutes for running. Although, maybe when I get to a point when I'm doing more running than walking, that might change, too.

I definitely miss having a coach and a team to workout with. In Seattle, I swam with a master's swim team on Sunday mornings year-round, and in the summer, I added in tri training with the same coach and many of my fellow swimmers on Saturday mornings. I learned a ton between my first triathlon season and my second as a result of working out with them. I also really miss biking on the Burke Gilman on Wednesday nights with the women I met at Danskin Triathlon Camp. That was glorious! The trail was always busy and the ride was more about distance than speed, but it was so great to be out at my favorite time of day with a supportive, and varied! group of women. It was a social release for me as much as it was anything. I think that for a few weeks longer, anyway, the running is going to be a solo effort. I might join in a run organized by the tri store where I bought my shoes once I feel like I'm able to run more consistently. I've been assured that speed doesn't matter because everyone runs at different speeds, and that it's really about being able to pass friendly faces as you do the circuit. We'll see.

Also, the more fit I get, the more I miss being on the bike. The Stellar is sitting on my indoor trainer in my home office with her handlebars facing out the window and her siren song is increasing in urgency and volume! I haven't had her on pavement since I finished the 2002 Danskin Triathlon. I had to buy new tires the day before, so they've only got about 17 miles on them. I've been too afraid of the crazy drivers here and the total lack of shoulders on the roads to get out. But now that I work in Hillsborough, which alternates between woods and hilly farmland-much like Ceresco in Michigan-I wish every day that I could be out on the bike. Hillsborough has a lot of cyclists and runners, and I am always a little envious when I pass one in my car. I suppose I could get the bike out and ride circuits around the neighborhood, just to get the feel for the bike again. I'm sure the neighbors would LOVE that!

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: Monday, May 2, 2005 11:02 AM EDT
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Thursday, April 28, 2005
Semper Fi
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird says she's heard addicts compare trying to get all their addictions under control to trying to tuck an octopus into bed.

That is such a great metaphor for my life! It speaks not only to my body issues, but also to my incessant search for the perfect schedule - the perfect way to rein in once and for all all the arms of my life. The scary thing is that my octopus has so many arms (multopus?), I sometimes forget about a couple of them altogether for long stretches of time!

Take my body issues. If I get the exercise thing down, I lose control of the food thing and eat whatever I want, thereby gaining fitness but not losing weight. Or, I'll get perfect control of my diet, but then can't think about anything but food all day - what I'm supposed to eat, what I'm going to eat, what I don't get to eat, what eating according to this particular plan will get me. For a few weeks at a time, I'll get the diet AND exercise arms tucked snugly into bed, but the keeping-the-house-neat and the writing-every-day arms will go flailing about. (Hans would say both of those arms have been flailing since we moved to North Carolina.)

Still, there has been some progress.

The Kristine-at-work arm is doing much better since I started working as Sudie's assistant/representative. I've admitted I'm a compulsive overeater and committed - again - to Dr. Dean Ornish's vegetarian 10% fat eating plan. I've lost 15 pounds since my diagnosis of fatty infiltration of the liver, and I am retraining my taste buds.

I've committed to running the Marine Corps Marathon on October 30, 2005 and have completed the 7 weeks of Prep training I had planned, working up to walking 10 miles last Sunday. This week I'm moving into Base 1 training. I bought new running shoes on Tuesday, switching from my familiar Brooks Addictions (for small to medium framed women) to Brooks Ariels (for medium to large framed women) and took them for their first run this morning. Very quickly they reminded me of another body-issues arm I've been completely avoiding - balancing out the muscles in my legs. When I injured my knee with overtraining and poor bike fit prior to the Big Ride, I learned that the outer muscles on my legs are much stronger (and tighter) than the interior ones. I did exercises to strengthen my inner thigh muscles, stretch out my outer thighs, and learn to walk less like a duck. Since I started training for this marathon, though, I've completely ignored strength training for my legs, concentrating only on my upper body so I'll have strength to keep my arms pumping and to expel air from my asthmatic lungs. The new shoes dramatically change my gait and make it very clear that my leg muscles are out of balance again. As I enter this next level of training, I have to get serious about balancing out my legs, stretching out my hips, and making sure I'm consistent with the yoga practice.

I wasn't able to run the marathon last year because I only trained sporadically and then took a night job that caused my hips to tighten up from sitting 13 hours a day. When I tried to get back to training in earnest, I repeatedly threw my hips out of alignment. I gave up completely on exercise until I started walking 7 weeks ago. In those 7 weeks, I've been scared to miss a single workout, and it's been one commitment to myself that I have honored. It has been exciting and reassuring to know that I can keep a promise to myself.

When I finished the Seattle Half-Marathon in 2002, I vowed not to put my body through any more distance events until I lost weight and was better trained. I need to be very well trained for this marathon. I don't want there to be any doubt about whether I can finish, and I don't want there to be any surprises. I want to know how my lungs are going to behave and what I can expect from my feet and legs. I want to finish strong with enough energy left to cool down so my lungs don't immediately constrict. I want to finish higher than last in my age group!

In my triathlon training in Seattle, I learned a lot about mental preparedness and about how to keep my head in the game. That will come in handy. I wish I got from running the emotional high I used to get after 30 minutes on my bike, but I'm having to learn to be happy knowing that by mile 5 I've found my rhythm and am feeling strong. There's no room for playing at training this time around, no room for sticking to the edges, no holding back. It's time for total immersion and 100% effort and 100% commitment. It's time to find out what I'm capable of.

There has been some progress in other areas, too. The house is finally organized and neat with "procedures" in place to make sure I hold up my end of the bargain in keeping it that way.

And, most importantly, I started writing spontaneously last night! Of course, the idea hit me while I was in my car stopped at a light, but I went home and straight to the computer and started typing. It's such a tentative thing, but it's a start and I can build on that.

One of the things I discovered in looking over my history of weight loss and gain is that when my life is full of good things and I am at peace with myself - when I really love who I am and confidently assert myself (as on the Big Ride or at Reclaiming Camp or when I was camping alone last summer) - food takes care of itself. My compulsions go away, and I do what I need to do to take care of myself. So as much as some of my goals are to lose weight, learn to enjoy eating in a healthy manner, and exercise every day, the main goal is to fill my life with things I love until there is no room left for anything that upsets or scares or shames me.

Which, of course, means I must write. Just as it's painful and senseless to pound my 196 pound body along blacktop for 13+ miles just to say I finished a half marathon, it's also painful and senseless to deny who I am every day by letting fear keep me from writing. There aren't enough excuses any more to keep me from it, and, if my life is about doing the things that scare me, then I need to be writing every day because writing is one of the scariest things I know. It's why I'm here. I keep coming back to it no matter how far away I run. Writing is the process by which I experience my life. By denying the process, I deny Life.

So maybe if neatness, and my work life, and diet, and exercise are all arms on my flailing octopus, maybe writing IS the octopus itself. Maybe, as long as the octopus is on the bed, it's okay if the arms - all of them - flail and dart and refuse to be tucked neatly in.

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 10:21 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, June 13, 2005 5:34 AM EDT
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Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Quotes from Anne Lamott
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: Books
Two quotes from Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird:

Now, if you ask me, what's going on is that we're all up to here in it, and probably the most important thing is that we not yell at one another. p. 97

To be engrossed by something outside ourselves is a powerful antidote for the rational mind, the mind that so frequently has its head up its own ass--seeing things in such a narrow and darkly narcissistic way that it presents a colo-rectal theology, offering hope to no one. p. 102

Thoughts captured by Kristine at 1:10 PM EDT
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