Stayin' Alive!
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I lived through my week!! I know it's morbid, but I was getting so little sleep this week and spending so much time on the road, I was really worried I might get in the car one day and not make it to my destination. But, I have survived, and while life will not go back to what it was before I took on the class and the curriculum work for PestEd, I will be getting better sleep and not working overtime.

I managed to turn in Sudie's curricula and application to United Arts today two minutes before the deadline. Trying to drive into Raleigh at 5:00 on a Friday night is a total suicide mission, and then, once I finally got there (with traffic it took twice as long as it should have), Fayetteville Mall is not marked on street signs. Apparently, it refers to a walking promenade that is closed to traffic, but there is nothing there to tell you that. Anyway, I got all six curricula written out, updated her resume, secured confirmation from a few of her teacher contacts that it was okay to use them as references, managed to finally edit the hour-long digital video of her last workshop down to what I hope are 10 meaningful minutes that I transferred to VHS, reproduced one of her color photos with Savannah Blue as a glossy black and white, and finally hammered out fees with Sudie and got the camera-ready profile page typed up so that, if she is accepted into the program, they can scan the page into the directory and schools can begin contacting her for the workshops. If I do say so myself, I think the workshops are going to be great. I tied them in very closely to the writing and visual arts requirements for the state and for Wake County and, aside from the cost, there shouldn't be any reason any teacher in North Carolina wouldn't want one of our programs for their students. (I'm only a little proud of myself!)

And, this week I got the downstairs painted before Hans got home on Tuesday night! Yay! I surprised myself a little there, too. It looks good and I now have color oozing off every wall. I went with the full sunset scheme I had planned, with the kitchen in an aqua blue that shifts toward seafoam or robin's egg depending on the light and location of the wall with dark periwinkle accent walls, and an orange living room. The only color that's missing that would make it truly representative of a Carolina sunset is the ice pink, but four colors is just too much for such a small space. I'm considering doing the downstairs bathroom in the ice pink, but will probably just do it in orange. I'd like to do it in aqua, but I'm worried that would make everyone look green when they looked at themselves in the mirror, and that's not good. The colors don't sound like they go together, but I think they do. Hans even came home and told me twice how much he liked it - very cool of him since I know the fumes are making him sick. After we moved in last summer, I decided that since we can't afford a beach house to which to escape with the rest of North Carolina on the weekends, I would just have to make this my beach house. I am very nearly there. I still want two large photographs of pink clouds at sunset for my living room wall next to the fireplace, and I want to make some sand sculptures of sea animals to hang in the kitchen on the wall between the sliding glass door and the window, but those are just details.

This week I turned in only a partial query to my class, but I got a message back from the instructor that she thinks my first query is ready to be mailed out. That's a little scary. I bought a copy of the magazine I wanted to pitch the story to on my way home from Raleigh tonight, and I'm not so sure the market is for me. The magazine has a really cool name and I like the way the editor describes its purpose in the Writer's Market listing, but I was almost embarrassed to be walking out of the store with it tonight. The cover has Katherine Heigl posing in a crochet bikini - in what world do women want to buy a non-exercise, non-health magazine with a thin, beautiful blond scantily clothed on the cover? The inside wasn't any better. Ads for eligible men you can email today and pictures of scantily clad couples illustrating an article on how to add sizzle to your sex life. I am not a prude, but somehow, that magazine makes me feel like one. I need to talk to Christina to see if she thinks I should go ahead and make my pitch or look for another market. There is a small chance I'm belittling the magazine because I don't want to actually mail off my pitch and potentially get the green light to write the article, but I don't think so....

More tomorrow. Must sleep now!

Will I Ever Learn???
Topic: Writing
I've done it to myself again. In deciding what I wanted to write about over the six weeks of my pitching class, I chose marriage. It makes sense to me that any time I set out to write about a topic, I should choose one that I could write four or more articles on. It means that researching four articles takes essentially the same amount of time and work as writing one, and I don't have to go back to my sources for quotes repeatedly if I have all my angles and slants figured out in advance and can just ask everything in one sitting. I chose marriage because, if you've been following along, it's been on my mind lately. Plus, UTNE just did an interesting three piece feature on that topic in this month's issue.

For the first query, I pitched an article that leans heavily on my personal experience but includes quotes from leading marriage counselors on ways any reader can bolster her own marriage, regardless of its current state, and offered 2 sidebars.

In writing that one, I realized that was of interest to me, but that there is an even deeper question, which is, should you fight for an ailing marriage, and, if so, why and in what circumstances? Last night I had gone to bed slightly deflated after reading the other queries turned in by the other women in my class - all more experienced in magazine writing than I am, and all very qualified to write whatever piece they were pitching. Before I could fall asleep, however, the first line of my next query came to me and before I knew it, I was out of bed and writing a two paragraph introduction to my topic. So tonight I decided to do my "no more than one hour of research" - that is the time-limit mandated by my instructor, and, yes, you guessed it, the time-limit I way overshot - and realized that I am in way over my head. I tried googling the title I was going to propose for the piece and found that it is such a great title, it's already been used dozens of times.... The search yielded a TON of information, all of it useful, including the names of some social scientists that I will want to talk with - even one here in Durham at Duke. (This activity of scrolling through the faculty list of Duke's sociologists was depressing, too - so many of these people are my age or only slightly older and way more "Accomplished.") [Author's Note to James (if you're still reading) and any one else who cares about my self-esteem: Yes, last night and again tonight I subjected myself to comparisons between me and the other writers and me and professors, and, no, the comparisons were not positive. BUT, on both occasions, I quickly reminded myself that I am on my own crazy path and social comparisons do not matter. I am fine.]

The problem is that I am in information overload. So many people are writing on this topic, and all of them seem so confident in what they have to say. I want to pitch the piece to an alternative paper or magazine, and I read a Salon.com piece tonight that showed me how much edge and opinion a story could have and made me worry that I don't have enough attitude to write for an alternative outlet. Plus, the controversy over what the social research means (are married people healthier, wealthier, and happier than single people, and if so, is there a causal relationship or merely a correlation?) that I know I am going to want to go to the source material and read the published papers before interviewing any of the scientists or even attempting to say which way my story might lean. Essentially, what I'm proposing to write is the equivalent of a term paper for a Soc or Psych class, and there's no way I'm going to be prepared with even a draft query of it by Monday night. So, my dilemma is, do I write up as much as I can of this query and turn it in, knowing that it will need much work over the next four weeks? or, do I try to come up with a simpler, 1,000 word article idea that I can write up without a great deal of research? (Yeah, right. Like that's gonna' happen!)

So I guess my answer is write up a crappy first draft of the long piece and get as far as I can in laying out all the sides.... I can honor my feminine impulse by not offering an opinion until I've carefully analyzed all the available data - and who knows when that will be!

Oh, and Did I Mention....
In my laundry list of all the things I have to accomplish, I forgot to include that I am working my way through a Spanish immersion program on CDs. I'm having some problem with the rolled r's and with g that sounds like you're clearing your throat.... The program is supposed to take about six weeks to give you a foundation for speaking the language. After that, I want to go to CHICLE in Chapel Hill for classes where I get to actually practice speaking with other people. If WWP is going to be publishing bilingual books, it only makes sense that one of us needs to have at least a basic familiarity with the language, both written and spoken.

Rapid, Forced Evolution
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Evolve or Die!

That seems to be the order of the day around here. The situation I got myself into, with the new curriculum development project and the new class I'm taking, intensified even further when I decided that rather than going with Hans to L.A. (it was getting very complicated due to family matters and the fact that we were going to be traveling with Kaija) I would stay home and finish painting the first floor of the house. On top of that, I helped to convince Sudie that she should take a year off from the Open Studio Tour so that, instead of worrying about whether a particular piece would sell, she could just create whatever she wanted for the next six months. To help make up for the loss in income she will suffer, I also helped convince her that she should offer to work with children as part of an Artists in the Schools program. The application for the Artists in the Schools program, however, is very rigorous and requires multiple supporting documents. In essence, I have to create three complete curricula by next Friday, including laying out day by day (for one-day, three-day, and five-day workshops) the outline for topics to be covered and creating supplementary study guides for the teachers to use with students before and after the workshop. And, I have to do that for two grade levels and tie each curriculum in as closely as possible to Wake County's education requirements for each grade. All by next Friday!!

I may be dead by then.

So far, I have made it through week one of the class and turned in my first query. What I have learned is that my brain does not yet think in ways that are compatible with non-trade magazine writing. I can outline an essay, a speech or lesson, a book chapter, even a poem - but not a magazine article, at least not quickly or easily. Part of it is that I'm not all that familiar with all the formats an article can take and which formats best suit which kinds of material.

I am also learning that I might always need to do a little more work than anyone else to land an assignment, even after I have a handful of clips. I think the status quo with magazine writers is that they develop specialties and write hundreds of articles staying pretty close to one, two, or three fairly well defined subject areas. I, on the other hand, am turning to writing for exactly the same reason I was forced to turn away from science - I can't stand the idea of forcing myself to specialize. I want to be the Renaissance Man Tad used to talk so passionately about in high school. I want to use writing as an excuse to learn anything and everything I want and as a vehicle for helping me synthesize that learning, regardless of whether my subject has any practical application or fits in neatly with other things I know. Apparently in the world of magazine writing it doesn't matter if you've published 100 articles on organic gardening if the subject you're pitching an editor is about learning to fly an airplane. If you haven't written about aviation before, no one's going to believe you can do it now without you actually producing the article before you pitch it. So, I will be spending a lot of time writing articles, especially in the beginning, that have no promise of a home. This is not new to me, however. Every time I have ever applied for a job it has been so unlike anything else I've done that I've had to jump through a bunch of hoops to prove that "transferable skills" really do exist and that I possess them in spades. And, that I learn really quickly and I know how to learn on my own. Global thinker, passionate, detail-oriented, conscientious....

The next idea I'm pitching is related to the first pitch I wrote, but I think it would be considered a feature piece, i.e., longer and more in-depth and even harder for a novice to sell. But, I am really passionate about it, and even though figuring out how to organize and balance the wide range of ideas it will contain will be a huge challenge, I'm pretty sure that - provided I get the interviews I need - I can do it. So finishing the query is my challenge for tonight.

Tomorrow, I finish painting the kitchen's last two walls and the two walls that intersect behing the fireplace. Sunday, I finish painting the two remaining walls in the living room and put the house back together after all the painting is finished. Oh, and do some research to remind myself what teaching techniques are most effective with which elementary grade levels.

Monday, I meet with Billie about the Integrated Pest Management Curriculum and then spend eight hours cranking out curriculum materials for Sudie teaching second graders about writing and illustrating children's books. And, in the evening, I figure out to which alternative magazine I am going to send my second pitch.

Tuesday, 8 hours curriculum creation for Sudie, turn in pitch, start third pitch....

I can't really see much beyond that! Pray for me!

I Have a New Hero
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I fell asleep on the couch last night watching the women's figure skating conclusion. Luckily, I was taping it. I watched it tonight, and while I can't say the free skate competition left me feeling as elated as the short programs did, it certainly showcased some great skating.

Shizuka Arakara's program was beautifully executed, and I'll admit it was exciting that Japan won its first figure skating gold. I have to say, though, that Sasha Cohen is my new hero. Her ability to get past the first two falls and stay in the moment throughout the remainder of her program show how mentally tough she is. And the artistry!! She absolutely brought Romeo and Juliet to life. She was immersed in the music, and every move she made was so organic, fluid, and gorgeous! If I were a third grade girl being asked to write an essay on who I would be if I could be anyone else, I would definitely say I wanted to be Sasha Cohen. Maybe in my next incarnation. Until then, I'll just have to float and fly on the ice in my dreams....

The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Daily Eruptions
In the behind-the-scenes profile NBC did on Sasha Cohen last night, she said, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get the results you've always gotten." (Or something very close to that.) This is not necessarily news to me, but it was a well timed message.

I am again at the crossroads where I have to choose to really make my life the one I've always wanted or settle for something really good, but not necessarily great. I feel like I'm making great progress in my work for Sudie, and Hans and I are doing exceptionally well, and I could let it go at that. Or, I could finally put into practice everything I know and see what happens.

We celebrated my birthday with my family on Saturday, and Mom gave me some pictures she'd taken of me at Christmas. I love the one she framed. It's of me and Hans and Kaija in front of Mom and Dad's Christmas tree and we all three look very happy. However, she also gave me copies of pictures that weren't so flattering. One in particular was of me in my favorite University of Michigan T-shirt sitting on Candy's couch and it was a shock and a half. I look like a linebacker! Seriously, huge wide shoulders and an upper body that looks like it could stop a tank, topped off by a face with more chins than I care to count!! I hate being taken out of myself like that and seeing what other people must see, because that is certainly not who I am in my mind.

On the way home, I told Hans I just don't know what to do about my weight because I feel like I've tried everything. Hans never says anything about my weight and never even seems to realize that I weigh more now than I did the day we met. He's really good that way. But his response to me on Saturday was, "Are you sure you don't know? I think you know an awful lot about diet and exercise, but I'm not sure you've ever really put any of that knowledge into action."

I hate to admit it, but he's right. I can be really good about exercise when I want to be - when it's fun and I'm getting more than just physical benefits from it. And I can occasionally be really good about eating right, although this has been more difficult in recent years. But I think the last time I was actually able to put diet and exercise together to actually lose a significant amount of weight was 1993 when I was more suffering than recovering from my 23 months of working for PIRG and a relationship breakup. In 1998, I lost forty-five pounds during the Big Ride without even trying, but then the depression that clobbered me at the ride's end quickly piled them all back on. Since then, I have gained and lost the same fifteen pounds numerous times without getting any further.

Similarly, I whine about wanting to be a writer and play with the idea of being a writer and read books about being a writer and keep track of submission deadlines in my head, but I don't actually write. At least not regularly. There have been several positive steps in the last year, but I have not as yet created a regular writing practice. Or a consistent meditation practice. Or a consistent exercise schedule....

On last Sunday's episode of Grey's Anatomy, Meredith's voice over was about the fact that none of us ever really grow up. She had heard it was possible, she just didn't know anyone who had done it. As she observed, after we no longer have our parents' rules to rebel against, we act up by breaking every rule we make for ourselves. I, who always obsessively respected my parents' rules, am hugely successful at breaking my own rules!

So, like I said, here I still sit at this same crossroads between good and amazing. Doing what I've always done but stupidly, naively, stubbornly expecting different results.

Today, however, I may have changed that. Last week, on my birthday, I took a meeting with a woman from a local pesticide education group that is a member of Earth Share of North Carolina. I thought I was there to help her brainstorm ways to get a curriculum about Integrated Pest Management into local elementary schools, since I'm doing something similar with Sudie's bilingual book. It turned out, though, that what she really needed was for someone to create the curriculum, and, she'd been looking for someone with the right experience for months without success. She offered the project to me, and I jumped at the chance. I have been wanting to work with the organization since I moved to North Carolina and this project builds on my teaching skills, might yield some good contacts, and will give me an excuse to learn more about IPM. Seriously, who doesn't want to know more about IPM?? So I've committed five hours a week to the project beginning next week and I'm nearly giddy! I get to create an environmental education project that inspires kids to take action to protect their own health and the health of the natural environment and I get to learn new things myself! Seriously, giddy!

When I called Chad after the meeting, he tried really hard to convince me that I was dividing my energy and that what I need is a C-A-R-E-E-R. He gave up after awhile, though, and conceded that he knew I would be successful at the project because there is no stopping me when I am truly inspired and he could tell I was truly inspired. Pretty quickly, he gave me his blessing, even though I know he got off the phone absolutely shaking his head. He called me back a few hours later, still trying to convince me that I am undervaluing myself and going in too many directions at once, and said that he needed to get me in a room face to face so we could put together a PLAN for my CAREER because I had great potential, great experience, great energy, but no direction.

Without really thinking too hard, I told him I did have a plan and I laid it out for him. It involves not getting the absolute right J-O-B, but cultivating Multiple Profit Centers. (Yes, he actually choked when he heard Multiple Profit Centers come out of my mouth.) The plan is not terribly concrete at this point, but it involves marketing myself as a writing instructor/workshop facilitator, editor, ghostwriter/writer-for-hire, press and community relations agent, and, as of that very afternoon, a curriculum development specialist. I'm working on pieces of this and have in the past week laid out the plan in my new Franklin Covey planner that Dad gave me. (Oh, and at the end of the second phone call, I think Chad was still shaking his head! Lucky for me, he's my biggest fan.)

After I agreed to take on the project, though, I started to panic about how I would find the time to do the work. Would it mean that I would have no time whatsoever for writing?

To solve the problem, today, I did the craziest thing of all. I signed up for Pitching Practice, another online course by Christina Katz. This one builds on the nonfiction article writing class I took with her last fall by improving my skills at pitching ideas to editors. Last night, I told myself I absolutely couldn't take the class because I absolutely didn't have time for it. This morning as I was about to write to Christina to tell her of my decision, I read her class description again and realized the course was geared for the busy person. Because we are all busy people and I will always think I am too busy to take this class, pitch that idea, research that magazine, write that essay.... So I signed up. The class started today.

Next on my to-do list for tonight: write a resume that supports my petition to teach writing workshops at local universities and at the local arts center; then, a resume that highlights my editing skills and coaching experience.

Now, I am committed to a full-time job, writing six query letters for six ideas in six weeks, and creating an elementary environmental education module. I'm moving forward in my quest to teach workshops and work as a freelance editor and writing coach. Oh, and we can't forget, I'm putting into practice everything I know about eating healthy and getting lean, fit, and strong.

I have collapsed the house of cards. I can no longer do what I've always done without risking disappointing someone, especially me. So, starting today, I am starting from scratch. In the spirit of Build It and They Will Come, I've created the life I want - now I just have to figure out really quickly how the hell I'm going to live it. Think I can't do it? Just watch!

Angels on Ice
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I had skating dreams all night long!! Lovely!

Slutskaya and all three American women were so ON last night, I couldn't tear myself away to go to sleep, even though I was taping it.

As I woke up this morning, I was trying to decide if, like Kimmie Meissner, I would watch each of the other skaters take the ice, looking more and more crushed as each one delivered a beautiful performance, or if, like Sasha Cohen, I would protect my personal space by not watching any other skater and just focusing on the job I had to do. I sympathize with Kimmie's desire to watch Olympic level skating in person and in the heat of the moment, but I think Cohen made a wiser choice that was in keeping with where she is professionally.

Another Name for Valentine's Day?
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I don't know another name for it, so I'll just say "Happy Valentine's Day!" Mine won't be that exciting because Hans works tonight (and every night) and I'm sick with my first cold in 14 months. (That might be a record for me - I'm usually sick with a cold that becomes a lung infection at least once a year.) There was a Valentine's card waiting for me in the kitchen when I woke up this morning, and we're planning on celebrating this weekend when we celebrate the eighth anniversary of our marriage (yesterday) and my birthday (tomorrow). And this year we have something to celebrate because we are doing really great. I can't say that it's the counseling that's helping - because those sessions are nothing earth shattering - but maybe it's that we're in counseling and therefore paying better attention to each other. I think that's the key, actually. There has been very little true effort required to get us back to this good place, so I think it really has been about just taking a few minutes each day to check in with each other. I told Hans in August that I wanted to be in the marriage of my dreams by next August or else I wanted to be on my own. It only took six months to get our relationship here, and not the twelve I anticipated! By August we will be unstoppable.

Sorry to Say Goodbye to Michelle
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I was really sad and disappointed for Michelle Kwan this morning when I heard she had withdrawn from Olympic competition due to a reinjury to her groin muscle. In the interviews I've seen of her recently, she has seemed so poised and full of spirit. Really relaxed and happy and sure of herself, if not of her body. The world and I will miss seeing her skate.

In Trouble Now
I'm in trouble now - I just discovered that BlogExplosion, the site I use to promote my blog, has made an electronic version of Sudoku available. I have been wanting to try the game ever since I saw it profiled on Sunday Morning on CBS. Now the OCD monster has a new toy!! Ever since I got the new Mac, I have been really great about avoiding computer games. The games I used to love playing on MSN.com don't work with OS X, which has been a blessing because I will get hooked into a game and play over and over for hours. Sudoku looks like it could be my new obsession...really, really not good. Like I need one more thing to prove to me that I have no self-control!