Mood: energetic
Topic: 2008
Okay, so changes may be happening sooner than expected.
I went to the ophthalmologist yesterday because I have been seeing a large, non-moving-though-slightly-shape-shifting spot on my left eye for a few days. It's like I looked at a light too long and have an after-image burned onto my visual field, but it's only on one eye....
Turns out it is a BRVO, a branching retinal vein occlusion, or a retinal hemorrhage. The doctor couldn't tell if it was one large hemorrhage whose blood had begun to be reabsorbed leaving behind several small pools or whether it was several small bleeds.... Nor are we sure what caused it. He suggested that it could perhaps have been caused by high triglycerides. My sister, the registered dietitian, immediately gave me a blood glucose monitoring system to check for diabetes, but so far, the numbers suggest that this is not the issue. In any event, it looks like my body is telling me that dietary changes - the exact changes I've been playing with for years but have been resistant to adopting - are necessary to lower my triglycerides and cholesterol.
How do I feel about this? Resigned, serious, scared. Resigned because it is clearly time for this change and I'm not going to resist it any longer. Serious because we are talking about my eyes! The thought of losing my vision terrifies me, not because I think I couldn't survive in the world without it, but because I fear my enjoyment of the world would be so diminished. (And, no, thank you - I do not wish to test this hypothesis to prove myself wrong! I know that I would adapt and find plenty to get excited about, even with impaired vision.) And scared because my physician and I are fairly certain that I have an eating disorder and I know what happens when I start trying to restrict my food choices. When I saw her a month ago, she gave me the name of a psychiatrist who specializes in eating issues, but I have been putting off calling him, hoping instead that in my meditation retreat summer, I would be able to develop amnesia about my food issues and just forget to indulge them.
I think my next step will be to try the South Beach diet. If I'm able to follow it on my own without too much anxiety and binge-eating, great! If I have trouble doing it on my own, however, I will make an appointment to see the specialist my doctor recommended.
While this wasn't exactly the way I would have chosen to complicate my summer plans, it would appear that things are getting more complicated, hopefully in service to my life becoming less complicated in the long-term.
As for my vision, it seems much improved today. Either the blood is being further absorbed or I am becoming accustomed to its presence. I think, perhaps, my body refused to heal it until I had learned of its potential cause so I could adopt these changes I require. Whenever you do energy healing work, you do it with the intention that the healing will be accepted if it is for the recipient's highest good. My highest good would not have been served if the issue had simply resolved itself casually without me taking steps to try to prevent similar problems, or worse!, in the future. If I respond to this push from the Universe, maybe it won't feel the need to take more drastic measures to wake me up down the road.