Learning...slowly
Mood:  happy
Topic: Marathon
Where to begin??

Yesterday was my long run day. I got up at 3:15 a.m. and was out the door by 4:20 with a goal of finishing 26 miles by 1:00 p.m. Ophelia brought the heat and humidity back to the state, so I was glad to be out running under the full moon before the sun heated everything up. The run started out well. It was supposed to be "24-26 miles, easy" according to the online training program I've been following. I don't know about anyone else, but for me, there is no such thing as an easy 26 miles. Still, I didn't want a repeat of the last long run, so I ran very conservatively. For the first half of every mile (for the first 12 miles), I ran for 1 minute followed by 1 minute walking and for the second half, I ran two minutes followed by 1 minute walking. I felt like I could have continued this for a long time, especially if the temperature stayed cool. At mile 12, I changed my route, so I was doing 3.5 mile circuits rather than .5 mile loops and getting some hill work in.

My plan for the workout was to try to be as efficient at each stage of the day as possible. By mile 15, however, my mind and heart were no longer in it. I wanted to sit down in the grass and cry. Instead, I called Hans who was cranky because I was interrupting his viewing of Sunday Morning who said I wouldn't know if I could actually finish a marathon until I actually competed in one. Not helpful or supportive, but I decided to keep going. The most efficient I could be was 1 minute running, 1 minute walking, so I continued this until mile 20. That sounds pretty lame, but I was actually happy, because by mile twenty on all other occasions I had already given in to just plain walking. As soon as I hit mile 20, though, every time I ran--no matter how slowly or granny-like I tried to do it--I started getting tiny little cramps at the intersection of my calf and the back of my knee. They weren't the charlie horse kind of cramp I am used to that locks my calf into one giant knot. They were very specifically located and sharp and actually felt more like I would imagine something tearing would feel than like a cramp. So I resigned myself to walking the last six miles.

I got to mile 25. It was already well past 1:00 p.m. and I made a decision.

I am not running the Marine Corps Marathon next month. Nor am I going to ask for a deferment until next year. I am not ready. If I could somehow manage to go at my own pace, and not get sucked into the pace of the crowd at the beginning, thereby avoiding the otherwise inevitable asthma attack, I think I could drag my ass over the 26.6 mile course. But it would not be fun or exciting or exhilarating. It would be torture, for me and for all the volunteers who would be waiting on me to finish. And, if I couldn't do that, and I started too fast, I would have the asthma attack, I would run out of energy too soon, and I probably wouldn't finish. Neither option is attractive to me right now.

Why should I race up to D.C. on Saturday, spend all the money on gas and a hotel room, then beat myself up for 9+ hours while Hans visits the new Indian museum alone, just to drive home Sunday night. If I'm going to spend that kind of money on my first visit to D.C. with Hans, it should have something fun in it! We both lived and worked there and we've always talked about going and showing each other our favorite things in the city, but I wouldn't have the energy to spare or the time for that this trip.

On Sunday it became very clear to me that forcing myself to endure the marathon next month was breaking the promise to myself I made at the end of my 2001 Half-Marathon finish. I promised myself that I would not do that to myself again until I was healthy and well trained and really ready. I am not healthy, well trained, or ready and I really have nothing to gain from punishing myself this way.

In February, when I needed to make the decision whether I was going to commit to this year's race, holding the marathon out as a goal was useful because it got me walking and I started eating better, although we all know that went out the window months ago. So, in some ways, this commitment served its purpose. I don't hate running anymore--one of my primary goals. And I can comfortably finish 8-10 miles and feel really good. Definitely more than I could ever say before. So good for me! I'm in a better place now than I was a year ago. On the other hand, the marathon training did not teach me the discipline I was hoping for with either my exercising or my eating on any kind of long-term basis. I was sporadic in my training, focusing on and completing the long runs on Sunday, but blowing off many of the shorter runs and weight sessions during the week. In that way, the marathon, by giving me a goal and an end to always be looking toward, really was a distraction from my true purpose of finding a healthy lifestyle that I can maintain every day.

I could spend the next six weeks intensely focusing on eating healthier foods to support my training and being a slave to my training schedule in the hopes--not of improving my speed because it's too late for that--of improving my overall fitness level so the marathon might be less painful and more enjoyable. Or, I could spend the next six weeks focusing on listening to what my body wants and learning how to take care of it on a daily basis so I can ultimately be who I want to be.

There will always be marathons and triathlons and every other kind of crazy endurance event I might want to try. But I'm not ready for them yet. By aiming to finish this particular marathon I was trying to reap the reward without doing the work to get there. I was skipping steps. Trying to move into a house I'd built that didn't have a sound foundation and was going to fall down around my ears at any moment. I don't feel any sadness in letting go of this particular goal. I want to hold onto the conditioning I have achieved, and build on that, but otherwise I'm ready to let this go.

My next task is to learn patience and love and to get back in touch with my body so we can be partners rather than enemies. And I need to remember that, just as I am not my thoughts, I am also not my body.

In other news, I finally got in to see a very kind psychiatrist in Greensboro today who said I seem to think things through well and had my recovery well in hand. At this point she didn't recommend, nor do I want, medication for depression. She told me to watch the episodes that look like hypomania and keep working with my counselor and to call her if anything changes, but she didn't think I was presenting as bipolar. Very good news!! (I'm sure Hans will disagree because he is absolutely convinced that I am bipolar and no one's going to change his mind. Will someone remind me again, why am I living with him?)

Overall, I am feeling peaceful and optimistic and really at home in myself today. Nice! Will have to remember to feel this way more often....

4 x 1 mile
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Tipitina by Professor Longhair from The Big Easy soundtrack
Topic: Marathon
Today's long run was only a four times 1 mile. The weather is better and I finished the 4 miles feeling pretty good physically, but it seems I've lost all mental and emotional motivation for finishing the marathon. In terms of meeting my marathon goals, being able to finish it will most likely be the only one I achieve. The weight loss and speed goals didn't receive enough attention over the last several months and so aren't even going to be close to what I'd hoped for.

So if I "run" the marathon next month, it is going to have to be with the understanding that I will be bussed over the bridge and that I will be the last or very nearly the last finisher, and this will have to be okay. If I am not okay with those things from the very beginning and if I am not out there just to be in the moment and moving through whatever presents itself with each step, then I shouldn't even put myself at the starting line.

Next week is the 26-mile training run and I have some mental work to do in the next seven days to make sure those miles go better than the last long run of 23 miles went, and to practice getting my head in the right place for the actual event.

5 x 1 mile
Mood:  happy
Topic: Marathon
I got up early this morning and managed to get my workout in before the sun was too high in the sky. Today was a simple 5 times 1 mile workout, and it was fun. I did the first mile following a 1 min. walk, 1 min. run sequence. Mile two was run two minutes, walk one; mile three was run three minutes, walk one; mile four was run four minutes, walk one; and I ran mile five without a walk break. With each minute of running that I added, I took between 30 and 45 seconds off my mile time, which doesn't seem like very much. Turns out I ran mile three at about the same pace I ran mile five, so it obviously pays to take walk breaks. Today's optimal ratio was running four minutes and walking one.

Unfortunately, my time for mile four was still well over 14 minutes per mile, so it looks like I have to get used to the idea that I may need to be bussed over the bridge at mile 20 in the marathon. There is still some time that I think I can shave over the next ten weeks, but it's going to take discipline. Next weekend I increase the mileage to 23. I'm hoping to do 23 in the time it took me to do 20 two weeks ago.

Despite the humidity that was already present at 6:00 a.m., I really enjoyed the workout. I think making a game of it with each mile being a different ratio made it more fun. Mentally, it was easier to run five miles that way than it would have been if I'd just set out to run five miles. And I had no asthma attack, so I'm considering using this same build-up strategy in the actual marathon, peaking at run 4, walk 1 and holding that pattern for as long as I can. (I'm going to experiment with run 5, walk 1 and run 6, walk 1 this week to see if they improve my time enough to warrant using either of those ratios.) I'll try that next weekend and see how well I hold up.

And in other news, I think I have to somehow find the reserves to hold myself to a better eating plan. After two weeks of feeling fairly strong, confident, and optimistic (what Hans has labeled a manic phase), I crashed on Friday night and the slump lasted through most of Saturday. It started with me feeling what I refer to as "free floating guilt" which is just a nagging feeling that I've done something wrong, but I'm not sure what it is. This usually happens if I've had too much caffeine to drink. I've given up drinking caffeine, with the occasional exception of a single 20 oz. bottle, because I've tested this theory enough that I've finally convinced myself of its truth. However, on Thursday and Friday I binged on chocolate covered donuts and then was surprised to find myself responding to the caffeine from the chocolate when I got home Friday night. I'm going to talk to my new therapist about hypnosis, and then either try to schedule a few sessions with her or with the therapist in Carrboro that I met at the Book Festival back in May. Either that or look into a Greensboro meeting of OA, but if I can avoid that, I want to.

Today has been better. I think the run was a great way to start off the day. Then Hans and I went to see The 40-Year-Old Virgin this afternoon, which was a lot of fun, and a good way to relax. I'm a little nervous about my therapy session tomorrow morning because I have less of an idea what to expect, but I'm looking forward to this week. Sudie and I have been getting a ton of work done, and I've got some good momentum with the marathon training, and I'm hoping that this week will just build on all of that.

Tactical Error
Mood:  happy
Topic: Marathon
I let myself sleep too late this morning before getting out to do my ten mile workout. I don't sleep well on the night before the long runs, probably worrying about not hearing the alarm or not getting up. And even though the alarm was set for, and went off at, 5:00 a.m., I didn't get up until 7:00. With dressing, pills, inhalers, breakfast, walking Kaija and feeding her, I wasn't out the door until 8:00 and by then it was humid, the sun was out full blast, and it was already too late. The heat index was 93 degrees.

I walked the first half mile to warm up, then started my watch. I managed the first mile in 13.5 minutes, which made me very happy because I was shooting for 14, by running four minutes and walking one. Unfortunately, I couldn't sustain this, or couldn't bring myself to work that hard. I eventually settled down into a run one minute, walk one minute rhythm which was manageable for the first two hours. After that, somewhere in mile 8, I decided it was too hot and I allowed myself to walk the last two miles completely. It's days like this when a coach would be good. A coach would have urged me to keep running and would also have been there if I got into trouble. I'm probably too easy on myself and would have achieved more mental benefit, and physical maybe too, if I'd forced myself to keep up the running.

By the time I'd finished 10.5 miles, though, I was every bit as wasted as I'd felt last week after twenty. I drank both water and Gatorade twice as fast this week as last, couldn't bring myself to actually eat anything once I'd started, and began getting chills after only three miles. I shivered throughout the workout, but I continued to sweat, so I decided that was probably okay.

I'm running out of time, and there is a real possibility that I will need to be bussed over the bridge for being slow and may be the last person to cross the finish line. These thoughts went through my head while I was out there today and they definitely weren't helpful. I tried to counter them each time they came up by reminding myself that I will finish--I always finish, workouts and races--and that as long as I'm still training and as long as I get to the starting line, I've already accomplished something. This for me is about the process and not the outcome, and I'm still in the process, so all's well. I even managed to smile a few times today and I am walking better after this week's workout than I did last week, so maybe I'll have the energy to get some work done around the house.

Good Morning!
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Marathon
With the depression I have decided it's even more important that I get in my daily training sessions, plus I was still sore this morning from Sunday's long run, so I got up at 5:00 and went for my short run. When I headed out, it was beginning to rain, and I started out counting steps to get myself going. I know, it's weird, but it occupies my brain long enough that my body can get into a rhythm. I walked ten minutes at a good warm-up pace, and then ran three minutes out of every five for the remainder. The "runs" started off as shuffles each time until my thigh muscles warmed up and didn't feel jarring pain each time my foot hit the ground. By minute twenty, it was raining harder and I was grinning! By minute thirty, it was a downpour and I was running in asphalt riverbeds and having a blast!! The run portions were easy once I got going and I didn't overheat or want to stop early. The hardest parts were sticking to an even-odd breathing pattern (breathe in for count of 2, breathe out for count of 3--important because of my asthma)--the smiling made me just want to pant along--and keeping my hands cupped in a natural c shape--I kept wanting to flatten them out and catch the rain on my palms! I only passed one person out walking her dog and was passed by another woman jogger during my warm-up. Other than that, I was just passed by cars leaving the subdivision, and I just kept grinning along. It's fun to be the crazy woman running in the rain! I would have kept going except that I do have to get to work sometime today.

What a great start to my day! That was the most fun I've had in ages.

Twenty Miles, Baby!
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: Marathon
Despite the month off from training, I finished twenty miles this morning! The last long run I did was only 13 miles, so I added seven today (a no-no), and I seem to be recovering well. No asthma attack and I felt really strong right up until about mile 18, then my thigh muscles started feeling it a little. I only ran 1 minute out of every 3, but I still finished the first thirteen miles 26 minutes faster than I did them in June. I got up at 4:00, ate breakfast and stretched, and then made sure to eat something every three miles, and alternated between water and Gatorade.

The most amazing thing was that I actually had fun! Aside from the 5K finish at the 2002 Danskin Triathlon, I don't remember ever enjoying running. All of my self-talk was positive and encouraging, until somewhere in mile 18 where I said, "This sucks," and "This is killing me." But even then, I turned it around and finished on a high note.

I knew this was a pivotal workout. If I couldn't finish it, there was going to be little chance of me being able to finish the race in October because I'm running out of chances to catch up when I miss training. Plus, the 20 mile mark signifies some kind of barrier in my mind. Once I've done 20, I don't see any reason why I won't finish 26. (I have heard, though, that the last six miles feel completely different than the first twenty.) I need to work on speed now. I need to be able to maintain a 14-minute per mile pace for the first 20 miles in order to avoid being bussed over a portion of the course once one of the bridges opens to traffic. That, more than finishing, is going to be the real challenge.

Overall, I would call today a really successful day!

Back in the Saddle
Mood:  energetic
Topic: Marathon
Without meaning to, I took the month of July off from training. As long as I was living at the old place, I continued walking and running, but as soon as I started spending most of my nights here, the workouts ended. For the past five weeks, I have been trying to work full time and be at two houses at once and have had no extra energy or time for anything but dealing with my life.

But today is the first day of August, I'm moved completely out of the old place, the new place is coming together, at the moment Hans and I have found a way to live together in a tentative peace, and I got up at 5:00 and walked for an hour. My right arch was a little surprised and cranky, but the movement felt good. Almost as good as pedaling. I have three months of training left before the marathon, and there's no more wiggle room left in the schedule. I have to be serious from here on in.

I have a weightlifting workout scheduled for this afternoon and my first run tomorrow morning at 5:00. I'll probably post after each workout for awhile just to give myself incentive to stick to the schedule. Positive reinforcement and all that....

Lucky Thirteen
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Marathon
I managed to walk/run thirteen miles for only the third time ever tonight. Hans and I took Brendan to see Madagascar yesterday and to Spinners for dinner, and then he got to have his first sleepover at our house--we figured if we were going to get that in, it would be easier when he lives two minutes away than when he lives 90 minutes away, so we wanted to have him over before we moved. I knew that by the time he woke up and I made him breakfast and took him to the pool, it would be impossible for me to get in my morning run, so I planned to run this evening. The heat made it difficult, and I admit, I walked more than I ran, but I got the mileage in. On weeks where I'm increasing distance I figure the emphasis is on musculoskeletal adaptation anyway, so if I can still walk and I'm not having an asthma attack at the end of a long run, I'm pretty happy. Tonight I got in a very long workout at a fat-burning heart rate and I feel the way I did after the first day of my three-day stationary cycling fundraiser at the movie theatre in Lynnwood--wouldn't it be nice if I could somehow manage to drop 10 pounds tonight the way I did that weekend? (The hard part is realizing that in the time I spent walking/running 13 miles, I could have done 60 or 70 miles on the bike!)

The other great thing about tonight is that I got through the mental barrier of doing 13 miles. I felt so awful after the half-marathon in 2002, I was actually scared to try another 13 tonight. Because I didn't push the running this time, I didn't have an asthma attack and I think I'll be able to move pretty well tomorrow.

What is becoming clear to me, though, is that my time is not going to suddenly improve. Maybe if I had lost fifty pounds before I started training instead of trying to do it while I'm training, I might have been able to shave several minutes off my mile. But I think that realistically now I'm looking at seconds and not minutes. At this point, a sub 6 hour time would be a miracle, and I should probably be happy if I finish in less than 8. I was living in D.C. the year Oprah turned 40 and ran the Marine Corp Marathon in 4:39. Maybe if I do the marathon every year until I'm forty, and take an hour off my time each year, I might be able to match her time when I'm 40. Sure would be nice to have Bob Greene to drag me out of bed every morning and force me to run and have Rosie cooking all my meals.... I'm pretty sure I really need a coach pushing me to see any real increases in speed. The thing about Oprah's experience is that, yes, she turned in an excellent time for a first marathon and looked fantastically fit, but she hated it so much she says she will never do another marathon. I want to finish my first one looking forward to my next one. If this experience totally sucks, I will probably never attempt Ironman, and I want to be strong enough to finish Ironman.

I've promised myself that my reward for finishing this marathon is a dance class. I miss moving my body to music! I've let my weight keep me from really enjoying and inhabiting my body, and I've decided it's time for that to end. Besides, when you are training for endurance events, it's a good idea to take some time off from your sport(s) in the winter and engage in a different mode of fitness. I'm trying to decide between a salsa, hip hop, or jazz class. Jazz will always be there and feels kind of outdated. Hip hop might be awful because none of those moves are intuitive to me. Salsa may be just what I need--especially if it means I also get to buy a hot, red dress and wear high heels and feel like a girl. I miss feeling like a girl.... Although, today, I had a little pink on my cheeks and on the tip of my nose and gold streaks from the sun in my hair and my eyes were sparkly and I felt like the outdoorsy, summer girl was coming back. The outdoorsy, summer girl is good!

The Hardest Part of My Day is Over
Mood:  happy
Topic: Marathon
I decided when I signed up for this marathon that it was important that I do overdistance training so that I could be sure I could do the race miles and still be able to move afterward. So I've been attempting to follow Jeff Galloway's training schedule for people who want to finish in 4:40 without adhering to the speed component. That is, I've been doing the same distances but not worrying about doing all the short races that he suggests for people with a time goal. This seems to be working out alright, and since I'm now at the place where I'm moving from mileages of ten miles or fewer into mileages that are of longer distances than I've done before, I gave myself until this weekend to make a final decision whether I will continue following this course or step down to the Beginner program. I'm going to continue, which means I should do the race distance once before the race and then a 28-miler before I start tapering. I think I will need this little confidence boost on race day, and as long as I take it easy--as I have been--I think it should work for me.

Today was an 8 mile run before next week's thirteen-miler. It was very smooth and I didn't have any problems with my feet, legs or lungs. The barriers today were all mental. I don't mind distance, but I hate having to put out all the effort for speed! I realized at one point today during a run segment that my arms were barely moving, so after that I concentrated each time I started a run segment on pumping my arms in order to make my legs work harder.

I have to get serious about getting up in time for early morning runs during the week. Those are my times to work on speed, and I've been short-changing them. And I will get on the bike, probably on my indoor trainer, at least one day this week. I think cross-training would improve my overall fitness. I need to reread the information I got at triathlon camp, too, on training with a heart rate monitor. If I were more rigorous about using that tool, I think my fitness would be increasing a lot more quickly.

I'm going to give myself one more full week (including next Sunday's long run) at 60% running before moving up to 4 minute run segments with a 1 minute walking recovery. Once I move up to that amount of running, I will play around with running 8 minutes with a 2 minute walk break to see whether running in longer stretches is easier mentally (it's hard to start running again once I've stopped). That might be the extent of the increases in overall running that I do, though. There's a chance I'll move up to a 9 minute run with a 1 minute walk, but I doubt it. From there, I'll need to focus on consistency, form, and whatever I'm calling speed.

and I Feel Fiiine
Mood:  happy
Topic: Marathon
I got my morning workout in--just barely. I woke up at 5:00 feeling like the back of my throat had been scraped and every bit as exhausted as I felt last night. Hans said I had woken the dog with my snoring in the middle of the night and she had barked at me, so I guess snoring could account for the throat thing and the exhaustion. In any event, I didn't actually drag myself out of bed until 6:00, and Kaija did everything she could to keep me from getting up even then. I went out for only 22 minutes with no warm-up, and felt okay, but there was no joy in it, despite the gorgeous "vanilla sky" sunrise. By the time we were in the car and driving to Durham, my body ached from my neck down and I was feeling fat and lethargic and deflated.

Just as I was hitting Hillsborough, though, I turned on the radio. Unfortunately, I seem to have burned myself out on NPR recently. I can't stand to hear the news even if it is broken up with cool essays and stories. So I turned it to The River and heard 4 or 5 good songs, and then they played the song Hans and I used as our wedding recessional, "It's the End of the World as We Know it (and I Feel Fine)" by REM. That's all it took! I've been BOUNCING ever since! It's amazing what one great song can do.

Plus remembering the wedding got me thinking about me and Hans. He and I definitely have our difficulties--we're two very opinionated people with strong, stubborn personalities--but our being together has a purpose. Aside from the more obvious reasons we're together, we're also a great team, and we have a lot to learn from each other, as well as from the experience of being stuck with each other. The next couple of weeks are going to be trying, but the man and I survived living two months in a tent together, so I'm sure we'll survive this, too. And our lives will have a cool, different shape when we come out on the other side.