November Already?!
Mood:  chillin'

It's late and I should either be asleep (I have to get up at 4:45 to make it to the polls when they open at 6:30 as I have a long drive) or working (I'm behind on getting pieces written for my work website) or uploading photos of the house to my Craigslist listing for the rental property or putting away things I've recently moved from the house or doing Reiki on myself or family members, but I'm sitting in the dark in my kitchen thinking instead.  I can't really even say what I'm thinking about.  It just seems as though I need a break from the constant motion that has been my life over the last five weeks and sitting here seems to be fulfilling some kind of need.

I have a busy week ahead--voting tomorrow morning, a membership meeting at the art co-op on Wednesday night, taking Hans to a reading by John Irving on Thursday night, taking my nephew out to hoot for owls on Friday night--and then I have a business opportunity I need to follow up on next week in addition to getting the house rented, the apartment organized finally, and my schedule for exercise and writing put in place.  

I realized last week, somewhere around Tuesday, that I am depressed again.  I had been chalking up a lot of things to boredom at work and stress at home, but the truth is I'm depressed.  Not to the point that I'm failing to see options or thinking about doing anything stupid, just to the point that I'm not using my time well, I'm constantly fatigued, and I'm mostly disinterested in things.  At the same time I realized this, I also realized how truly little time there is in a day.  I get up at 6:00, drive to work from 7:00 to 8:00, work until 3:30 or 4:00, drive for another hour+, take Kaija to the park, feed her dinner, get myself dinner (it takes me half an hour to make a salad!), watch an hour of t.v. with Hans and it's time for bed.  There is an hour or 90 minutes in there somewhere that goes to things like opening mail, changing clothes, playing with the dog, doing laundry, updating Craigslist, trying to keep up with the email in my inbox.  I could try to be more efficient about some of these things, but that won't be easy.  Where is the time for exercise going to come from?  Where is the time for writing going to come from?  And I need more time for food prep.  I can give up the hour of t.v. time with Hans, but if I do that, I won't see him at all during the week.  So exercise time is going to have to come out of my current sleep budget, writing will have to take place during the half-hour I don't usually take for lunch, and food prep will have to happen on Sunday.  I really don't know how people do it.  I can only guess that they don't get enough sleep, which has been my strategy of late, but I can't maintain that much longer.  I have to get at least seven hours on a regular basis and I am at my best when I can get nine.  So what am I doing up rambling about this on my blog when I should be sleeping?

In addition to all the move craziness and trying to get caught up on things I haven't been moving quickly enough on at work, I'm still dealing with health issues and trying to solve them once and for all with medication and behavioral changes, and I'm trying to think about what kinds of issues I want to be thinking about and working on in the long run.  I have a big birthday coming up in three months, and I want to feel like I'm contributing to something worthwhile as I enter the next decade of my life.  I have avenues I'd like to pursue, but all of them are daunting for various reasons.  My horoscope says I have to get moving on them pretty quick, though, as the first two weeks of November are the best opportunity I have had all year to break new ground.  Yes, I know I'm being vague, but there are practical reasons for that now.  As things progress, details will follow. For now, though, I am going to sleep.  Breaking new ground requires that a girl be rested, after all.

Peace, love, and sweet dreams,

K

P.S.  Let's get out and vote!  I am praying for a smooth election with a clear victor and a quick acceptance of that victor by the American people.  No hanging chads, no disenfranchisement, no 269-tie, no bitterness, no fear--just unity and hope.

Running Behind, Again
Mood:  rushed
Topic: 2008

So, as per my usual, it appears I forgot to tie up the loose ends of this project that was intended to conclude at the end of August, or at least by the first of fall.  The truth is, I didn't actually forget, I just didn't get around to it.  Once I'd realized that I had "brought myself home" but was refusing to acknowledge her, the project lost its power.  I had arrived at the understanding I needed, and so didn't really come back here to celebrate or explain or even say thank you for indulging me in another of my silly quests....

And, now, I'm in the middle of packing up our house so we can rent it while we rent an apartment in Raleigh much closer to Hans's job.  We're going from a 3-bedroom house to a 1 bedroom apartment with practically no storage space, so I'm having to get rid of a lot of things and that causes an emotional strain on me to go along with the physical strain of trying to work a full-time job and be in two living spaces at once.  So, there's not really any time for a post now, either, but I was feeling the need to check in.  I may have some time this afternoon, and, if so, I'll try to come back and put a bow on the summer project so I can bless it and move on.

So, to anyone who was following along and feels let down that I disappeared for so long, thank you for your patience and I apologize for the vanishing act.  (If you've been following me for very long, though, you've probably come to expect long silences....)

Be well and hold to your own course in these crazy financial and political times.  Reexamine your plan to make sure it is still basically sound, but then listen to your own advice and know that you are resilient enough to weather this storm.  There is so much opportunity (for redefining, revisioning, repositioning, and testing new, wild plans) in uncertainty--seize it if you can.

Namaste,

K

Not Worth Fighting For?
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: 2008

On Saturday, I wrote a short short story while I colored my hair. 

(Yes, I had promised Hans that I would let my hair be whatever color it wants to be, but I just couldn't stand it!  There was so much gray!  And I had a box of hair color that I bought to use before I went to New York, but then I never got around to it and it was just sitting there saying, "come on, you already spent the money; you know you wanna' do it," and I gave in.  The color is haven't-seen-the-sun-in-48-days-mid-winter-dark-brown, which is really darker and flatter than I like, but it covered the gray and evened things out, and I'm happier.)

The story is only 758 words, which, even for me, is short. 

I let Hans read it on Sunday and he said, "I like it." 

He didn't argue with me about a single word or line or detail. 

It must really suck!

That's Why I Keep Him Around
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: "Rise Above This" by Seether
Topic: 2008

I am preparing to see the eye specialist for a follow-up appointment this afternoon.  Even though I promised myself that my eye would get better, it has gotten worse.  If I am using that eye alone, I see well enough to walk, but not drive, and I can’t read with it.  It casts a dark shadow over things so I don’t see colors correctly, and what I do see is small, warped, and farther away than it actually is.  When I’m using both eyes, the injured eye sometimes causes a double image—especially with lights and reflective surfaces—and/or adds a warp to what I’m seeing.  In my moments of detachment, it’s quite interesting really.

 

Here’s the story I’m telling myself.  At the time the occlusion occurred in my eye, I was putting a lot of strain on my eyes looking at slides and preparing to go to New York with Sudie’s art.  I was also sending healing energy daily to two people who were each preparing to undergo surgery to remove their left eye. 

 

I think that during my healing sessions, I sent too much blood through my own eye and it caused a vein, probably under stress from plaque build-up on the arterial walls, to rupture and the leaking blood has caused changes in the surface of my lens, resulting in poor vision.  For awhile, though, I was worried I had taken on the ailments of the people I was trying to heal.  This freaked me out so much I immediately stopped doing all healing work on myself or anyone else.  A few weeks ago, I came up with the increased blood flow theory and reassured myself that I do have the right to try to heal my own eye.  I have since done some work to try to restore its function and vision, but my results have not been consistent.  Some days I wake up and see only a small, quarter-sized disruption in my visual field; others, like today, there is an oil spill that disrupts everything I see.  I fear today they may say I’m legally blind in that eye.

 

This morning, I found Hans getting dressed for work and I said, “I need you to look at my left eye and tell me if I’m still in it.”

 

“Whaddya mean ‘if you’re still in it’?!”  Then, realizing that this was one of those important game-deciding moments that husbands train for every day in case the coach throws them in and says “bring it home,” he rose to the occasion.

 

He looked into my eyes and said, with sincerity and the exact right level of emphasis, “Yes, your sparkliness and spirit are still there.”

 

He waited for me to walk away and then come back a few moments later to kiss him before making a joke about finding me the best home for the blind Medicare would pay for.

It's Nice to Be Wanted
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Addicted by Saving Abel
Topic: 2008

I should really be in bed, but I just came from a meeting where I was voted onto the board of a small art gallery, and I'm buzzing a little.  I haven't been voted onto anything in a long while, so it's nice to be wanted.  I ran because I want to make a contribution to the success of the gallery, even though I'm not an owner or exhibiting artist, because the artists there inspire me every time I step foot in the door and because I believe it needs to exist.  As soon as I realized there were six people running for three spots, I didn't expect to claim one of those spots and found that my ego was not invested. The membership surprised me, though, and tonight I find myself committed to this enterprise in an entirely new capacity.

I wish I could stay up and write--I have a long list of topics!--through the night, but my eyes are tired and I won't last much longer.  I feel renewed energy flowing through me today, though, maybe the delayed effects of the new moon?  It's as though Lammas started the summer for me all over again and I'm feeling the need to become light in my body in response to the heat.  I've decided to try a vegetarian whole foods diet and five months of Harley Pasternak's Five Factor Fitness workouts.  I was vegetarian for nine years, then started eating meat halfway through the Big Ride, and then ate mostly vegetarian for the next three years, but when I was (incorrectly?) diagnosed with gluten intolerance, I gave up.  And when I went off the gluten-free diet, I didn't resume my vegetarian diet but instead became quite dependent on meat all over again.  I'm having to remember how to eat without meat, and I'm actually trying to be even healthier this time around by limiting my fat intake from dairy and trying to be a vegetarian who eats vegetables, not just pasta, cheese, and meat substitutes (that's an exaggeration, but not a huge one).  I'm not saying I'll never eat another hamburger or that I won't jump at the chance to take any visitors from out of state out for North Carolina barbecue, only that I'm again making the choice to reduce my dietary impact on the planet and improve my health by eating lower on the food chain.

Okay, off to sleep.

Namaste,

K 

Happy Lammas!
Mood:  celebratory

Today marks the half-way point of summer, the time of year when (in times when food was real and grown in the ground) the first plantings were harvested and the second crop was sown, when the first loaves of bread from the harvest were baked and shared, when people celebrated life with the fruits of the earth and their own labor.

What fruits of your own labor can you celebrate today? 

No Fear?
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: All Summer Long by Kid Rock
Topic: 2008

I was rereading some of my recent posts and realized that I haven't felt that fear or dread in the pit of my stomach feeling that I described in my Feel the Fear (and eat it any way) post in several weeks!  Is that possible?  I think maybe it is.  I've had some things happen lately that have worried me, but the solid state of my body did not change.  There was no sick to my stomach feeling of helplessness attached.  And recently I had some little chemical thing float through my brain that felt like the precursor to one of my free-floating guilt attacks, but the attack did not materialize.  My body refused to play along. 

Have I really found my center? 

Do I really trust myself to be able to handle anything that comes my way?

It sure feels that way at the moment.

And although I wrote just last night that I feel completely exhausted and insist there is a physical component to the cause, I realize today that I have not been carrying pain around in my lower back.  This is where stress, and all the negative things I pick up from other people, usually gets stored, but it's not there now. 

This makes me think that the energy work I did last week has already begun protecting and centering me.  Wow.  So it probably would be a good thing if I chose to aid the energy in clearing out my body and energy field by not putting more unhealthy food in....(she types between sips of Mountain Dew)

Downtime
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: 2008

I have lost my momentum.

All of it.

I had been doing so well--launching a new children's website at work, writing daily, walking, eating more or less mindfully, and feeling like I was making progress on a spiritual or philosophical level.  I actually launched the website after we got back, but ever since Hans and I went to California, I haven't really gotten back on track with most of my life.  In fact, I feel absolutely exhausted.  I go to bed at 9:30 and can barely drag myself out of bed at 7:00 to be to work by 9:00. I have a hard time committing to any one project at work and don't feel like my real energy kicks in until lunchtime, and NOTHING gets done at home.  I can't even seem to find the energy to make hummingbird food or water my flowers regularly.  There is some kind of worm or caterpillar making spikey cocoons in my evergreen tree and my neighbor says I have to pull them off one by one, but today I didn't have the heart or the energy.

This is probably just me being lazy, but I insist there's a physical component.  I did some energy work last week and when I told Danielle what I'd done, she understood why I'd done it but thought I had overdone it.  She thinks I need some major detox, as in no sugar, no caffeine, no animal products, and that the work I did is likely to bring lots of things in disparate parts of my life to a head. So, maybe I'm a little depressed; maybe Epstein-Barr is real and I'm in the middle of one of my 6-week can't-drag-my-ass-off-the-couch chronic fatigue episodes; or maybe I simultaneously became more ethereal and more grounded in my body and so now have a body that is more sensitive to the crap I put in it and the stresses to which I subject it.

All I know is it's not pleasant.  I've even begun thinking over the last two weeks that the ADD is getting out of control again and could use a pharmaceutical solution, but I haven't called to ask my doctor for a prescription.  I might try some of the exercises in Delivered from Distraction this week instead.  I need something to jolt me out of the daydream I've been in for the past week and to help me get to work making dreams come true in my real life.

Sticking with *Hancock*
Mood:  lazy
Over the weekend we saw The Dark Knight, and I have to say I'm sticking with Hancock as my favorite superhero movie of the summer. I felt TDK went on too long and tried to cram too much story into a single movie. I found the characters interesting and some of the effects stunning, especially the Hong Kong shots, but overall I was bored after about two hours. And as much as I love Heath Ledger's work, I wasn't blown away by the Joker performance. Do I need to have that silly Y chromosome to fully get how great this movie is?

Notes from My Life
Mood:  happy
Topic: 2008

I'm about two weeks past the half-way mark for my summer meditation project and the meditating I've been doing is not necessarily the closed eyes, perched on a pillow, legs crossed, deep breathing, thought watching kind one might expect.

My meditation has been mostly with my eyes open, often while moving from place to place, with deep breathing thrown in when I remember, and probably more attachment to my thoughts than an enlightened person might recommend.

Still, I am pleased and mostly peaceful.

Random notes:

My pedometer stopped working about two weeks ago....  Had I gotten too caught up in measuring and comparison?

The trip to California to see Hans's family went very smoothly and was more relaxing and fun than I anticipated.  It was wonderful to see everyone, and Grandma, for whom we had moved up our trip due to health concerns, looked better each day we saw her.  She is still quite strong and her mind is sharp, and it was quite reassuring to sit with her and hold her hand.  Grandpa took my hand the day I arrived and said, "I know you; we go way back."  It was very sweet. He couldn't think of my name and I'm not sure he remembered that I was his grandson's wife, but it was lovely to see the genuine emotion he felt for me.  I fell in love with Hans's family at the same time I was falling in love with him, and I forget how much I miss them when I don't see them regularly.  I wish I felt more at home in California, but the place is not healthy for me.  I realize now that I spent a great deal of my time on this last trip looking out of windows, focusing on anything I could identify as "nature."

Kaija, who had never been left by both me and Hans at the same time, survived a week at my parents' house, does not appear to have lost any weight, and seems to have forgiven me for abandoning her.  We've been cuddling like crazy to make up for lost time and she's as sweet as ever.

Coming home from California was difficult.  I felt the need to put my armor back on, which disappointed me.  As much as I tried to disassociate myself - my true self - from the "realities" of my every day life and remind myself that they are only temporary and only relevant in a physical sense, not a spiritual one, I couldn't shake the feeling of trepidation I felt upon returning to work.  The person I work with is unpredictable as a rule and has been going through some personal upheavals of late, so I was really not sure what I would find.  Things seem fine, however, and I'm finding my center again.

Also, I recently stated here that the source of all of my discontents, past and present, was my tendency to judge various circumstances in my life and to assign moral value to things that didn't merit such distinctions.  I want to make it clear that I do recognize that it is not truly the act of making a judgment that is the source of my discontent but the fact that an ego - my ego - which I endow with power is doing the judging.

On my refrigerator (next to a postcard I sent Hans of a fat woman spilling out of a tiny bikini with the caption "The fudge has been great here on Mackinac Island!" and above a magnet with the Joseph Campbell quote "follow your bliss"), I have a quote from Zen Master Dogen:

To study the Buddha Way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by all things.

I realized in California that I, my ego-ful I, is not yet willing to let go of the ego.  I have come to accept that I am enough, that I am not my physical body or any of the things in my physical life, that I am more than my ego, outside my ego, larger than my ego.  I can't quite accept that I don't need my ego or that I might be better off without it.  For one thing, I foresee having a terribly difficult time functioning in daily life if I give up my ego.  How does an egoless being (unless one is recognized as a living incarnation of God) make a living, for example?  How would I live as a writer without ego?  If I give up the value of my own thoughts, what is there to write about?  Can you write from the place of peace that resides beyond the ego?  (Better yet, can you sell writing that comes from that place - a body has to eat and pay the electric bill, afterall.)  Of course, this is fear and the ego's self-preservation strategy, but for now, I'm okay with that.