Back on the Couch
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I had my first session with my new therapist this afternoon. It was interesting. I didn't cry. I always cry. Whenever I'm in a safe space and doing real work, I cry. So maybe I wasn't doing real work yet, or maybe it wasn't safe space yet. Or, maybe, I'm really in a better place than I have been before and things aren't as desperate as they seemed eleven days ago.

She's not convinced I'm bipolar, which is good, because I'm not convinced either. The funny thing is she suggested that the things I do that look like manic episodes may be obsessive compulsive disorder instead! Hans hasn't heard that one yet, but he's going to die laughing. I am the farthest thing from OCD and he is the OCD King. His roommates in college used to move things around the room and have friends over to time how long it took him to put everything back the way it belonged, all while he was talking to them and completely unaware of what he was doing. The all-or-nothing part of OCD sort of makes sense to me, but there is not an environmental component for me at all. I think because I went in with lists of issues categorized by whether they were a long-term or critical concern, potential action steps, goals for the next 12 months, and questions I would like her to help me explore I looked more OCD than I really am. What she hasn't seen yet is that my brain and my environment are both slightly controlled chaos and if I don't write things down, nothing makes sense.

It was an interesting shift in perspective, however, and she said some things that made sense.

As I left I remembered why I can only take so much therapy before I have to leave. It tries to reduce so much to brain chemistry, and squeezes out personality and choice. My choice to ride a bike from Seattle to Washington D.C. could be seen as either a manic episode or a fit of OCD. How romantic!