More Bad News for Animals & Science Out of Louisiana
Mood:  rushed
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Click here for news from the scientific community affected by Katrina. The story is sad and scary on so many levels....

No one talks about the numbers of lab animals lost in disasters--they're disposable anyway, right? The story mentions that none of the 5,000 animals at a primate research facility escaped, but it says nothing of how many of those animals survived. (The story does say that the facility "reported only minor damage," so maybe I'm supposed to interpret that as no loss of life?)

The thing about this disaster is that it teaches so much about interconnectedness. There are ripples and waves going out in so many directions. The storm's effects go so far beyond the immediate loss of life and property.

4 x 1 mile
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Tipitina by Professor Longhair from The Big Easy soundtrack
Topic: Marathon
Today's long run was only a four times 1 mile. The weather is better and I finished the 4 miles feeling pretty good physically, but it seems I've lost all mental and emotional motivation for finishing the marathon. In terms of meeting my marathon goals, being able to finish it will most likely be the only one I achieve. The weight loss and speed goals didn't receive enough attention over the last several months and so aren't even going to be close to what I'd hoped for.

So if I "run" the marathon next month, it is going to have to be with the understanding that I will be bussed over the bridge and that I will be the last or very nearly the last finisher, and this will have to be okay. If I am not okay with those things from the very beginning and if I am not out there just to be in the moment and moving through whatever presents itself with each step, then I shouldn't even put myself at the starting line.

Next week is the 26-mile training run and I have some mental work to do in the next seven days to make sure those miles go better than the last long run of 23 miles went, and to practice getting my head in the right place for the actual event.

My Own Weakness
In the last two days I've decided I have the strength to read the Internet headlines about Katrina, and I've even clicked on two of the more hopeful sounding ones. One was about Snowball (potentially?) being found and one was about a 6-year-old boy leading five toddlers and an infant to safety. In both cases I ended up sobbing because apparently there isn't a single story out of New Orleans that isn't also crammed full of one kind of horror or another. I'm just not equipped to deal with any of it. Not the racism that is apparent everywhere. Not the classism. Not the decisions about who lives and who dies. Not the stories of separated families, abandoned elderly people, emaciated babies. Not the mental images of cats and dogs swimming, or drowning, in metal crates as the water rose or being consciously abandoned by humans who somehow think their lives are of lesser value. I'm only good in a crisis if I'm in the crisis. In this case, the crisis is in me.

Missing Meditation, Missing Me?
Mood:  surprised
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I understood when I was on the Big Ride that I was participating in an extended meditation experience. I wrote about that quite a bit in my memoir. I also described it as "living poetry" in which taking the time to actually write poetry would have taken me out of the poetry I was living. Essentially, I was in the moment practically every moment, on the bike and off.

In the subsequent seven years, I have achieved that level of openness probably on one occasion only, during the week I spent at Reclaiming Camp. Again, I was in safe space and this time involved in active, actual "planned" meditation with a large number of other people.

The amazing thing is that even though I have lamented the loss of myself and have been trying to figure out why I can't "bring her home" from the Big Ride, it never occurred to me that it was the meditation element of those experiences, and NOT necessarily the "safe space" element of those experiences, that made them what they were. I have been feeling as though someone had given me permission to be my best self on those two occasions and blaming myself for not having the strength of character to give myself that same permission in my "Real Life." All this time, I've been thinking that the Big Ride and Reclaiming Camp were somehow outside of my Real Life--that I couldn't find my way to my self here the way I can when I step out of my Real Life into one of my adventures.

I have been absolutely exhausted lately and really tired of this depression. Grasping at straws may be one way to put it. So on Tuesday I decided that I was finally going to read Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It was first recommended to me when I was depressed in college, and I know it is the primary text for the local Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course I almost (long story) took last fall. I have owned the book since last spring and it has sat beside my energy healing books untouched all these months. As I was reading chapter 2, "The Foundations of Mindfulness Practice: Attitudes and Commitment," it occurred to me that the reason I didn't bring me home from the Big Ride was because I didn't bring meditation home!!!

According to Kabat-Zinn, there are seven attitudinal pillars of mindfulness practice: non-judging, patience, a beginner's mind, trust, non-striving, acceptance, and letting go. I engaged with each of these principles over the course of the Big Ride summer. They were natural extensions for me of the journey I was on. By Day 2, when I fell and broke my cycling computer and was the last rider leap-frogging the SAG van all afternoon, I was immersed in meditation and patience and non-striving and non-judging and self-trust. I already have strong experience with beginner's mind and I got a big dose of letting go when the ride ended. But it never occurred to me that it was the meditation--the active creation of space in which to practice these seven attitudes--that I needed to bring home in order to bring my full, whole self home with me.

It seemed that she was simply incongruous with the Real World, that she would not be appreciated, or understood, or tolerated here--certainly not encouraged or supported--the way she was in those "other" experiences.

I can't say that an hour of meditation every day is going to bring on the sudden return of myself to me, but I am going to try. Wouldn't it be amazing if meditation, this thing I've been playing with but never committing to, were the key to me, and I've been carrying it all along but never thought to use it in the lock?

To learn more about mindfulness, visit www.mindfulnesstapes.com

Dream Journal Entry
Mood:  happy
Topic: Writing
I had a dream this morning with Holly Prado in it. She was my poetry thesis advisor for my Master's at the University of Southern California. And this morning, she was in my kitchen, settling herself at my kitchen table (actually, it was the kitchen from the last house, because here, my kitchen table is in the dining room) and reading two essays I handed her before getting down to discussing the fistful of poems I had scrounged out of the pantry to show her. This is, of course, an unusual dream because Holly lives in SoCal and her students visit her at her house, not the other way around. When she put the essays down, she became a man about my age who looked something like a mix between Richard Marx and Michael, the gorgeous boy I asked out thinking he'd been sent to USC specifically for me but with whom it became painfully obvious I had absolutely nothing in common. He was excited about one of the essays (not so much about the other one), and Holly/Richard/Michael asked, "So, have you decided you're a writer yet?"

To read one of Holly's poems from her latest book of collected works, These Mirrors Prove It, visit www.cahuengapress.com/prado3.htm or click here to read her bio. Sorry, no pictures of Michael to show you, but you can find Richard Marx easily enough.

Moments of Poetry
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I have been even more fragile lately. I can't handle the hurricane news. I let Hans watch it on CNN or listen to NPR and then tell me what's happening because I cry so easily now. Last Friday Sudie came home and the two of us sat in the office and cried for a good half an hour. I managed to listen to the Diane Rehm show this morning on NPR, though. The first hour was on the Supreme Court doings--it looks like Roberts will be confirmed as Chief Justice and maybe that won't be such a bad thing--and the second hour was on the failings and successes with the hurricane rescue and relief efforts. I heard only bits of the second hour because I was in and out of the car running errands, but I was relieved to be able to listen and not cry and feel like a level-headed adult. It feels very 9-11ish to me, this particular fragility, and with the anniversary of 9-11 coming up, I'm a little worried about how I'm going to do this weekend.

There have been small moments of poetry and joy, though. I've found myself literally trying, with my eyes, to suck the color out of the crape myrtle blossoms around the neighborhood and the mandevilla climbing up Mom and Dad's deck and the maple leaves that are turning red. And I had several moments of bliss on Sunday when Brendan came running out of the van and threw himself into my arms. There is nothing like a hug from a four year old! Oh, and the sunsets! I can't actually see the sunset here because it sets behind the trees behind my house--so I get sparkling light through the leaves which is wonderful--but the evenings have been cooler now with a slight breeze and everything gets bathed in gold light and I feel--depending on the temperature--like I'm in Santa Monica on the Promenade or in Michigan on a football field. I know, if I were truly in the moment, I wouldn't be putting myself somewhere in the past. But sometime in the future, when I'm in Boston or Santa Fe, I'm sure I'll be hit with the same breeze under the same sky and I'll remember how it felt to be in North Carolina walking Kaija while the sun sank below the trees.

Other Donations to Disaster Relief Effort
Mood:  rushed
Topic: Daily Eruptions
The American Red Cross, rated a Four Star Charity by Charity Navigator, is, of course, also accepting financial donations at http://www.redcross.org/donate/donate.html.

If you would like to help the relief efforts, but a donation of money is not the best option for you, you can also give blood, supplies of which are very low right now. Go to www.givelife.org to find out where you can make a blood donation, or call 1-800-Give-Life.

You can also donate airline miles--helpful in moving Katrina victims to available housing, stock, spare change, or in-kind products at the American Red Cross website, www.redcross.org

Katrina Relief Effort: Do you have a spare room, bed, or couch?
Mood:  rushed
Topic: Daily Eruptions
MoveOn.org is organizing its own relief effort this morning, creating a database of people with spare rooms, beds, or even couches who are willing to house refugees from Katrina. According to MoveOn, many of the shelters already have Internet access, and refugees can also have case workers or family members search for space for them.

Most urgently needed are rooms or beds within a 300 mile range of New Orleans, but all offers of assistance are encouraged and welcomed.

To list your available space, click on this link:
http://www.hurricanehousing.org?id=5949-3538367-OoGKElM6QG6e7VKIhjT9_g

Here is the full text of MoveOn's email request:

Dear MoveOn member,

Hurricane Katrina's toll on communities, homes and lives has devastated
the nation. Now victims must face the daunting question of where to go
next--and we can help.

Tens of thousands of newly homeless families are being bused to a stadium
in Houston, where they may wait for weeks or months. At least 80,000 are
competing for area shelters, and countless more are in motels, cars, or
wherever they can stay out of the elements. The Federal Emergency
Management Agency and the Red Cross are scrambling to find shelter for the
displaced.

This morning, we've launched an emergency national housing drive to connect
your empty beds with hurricane victims who desperately need a place to
wait out the storm. You can post your offer of housing (a spare room,
extra bed, even a decent couch) and search for available housing online
at:

http://www.hurricanehousing.org?id=5949-3538367-OoGKElM6QG6e7VKIhjT9_g

Housing is most urgently needed within reasonable driving distance (about
300 miles) of the affected areas in the Southeast, especially New Orleans.

Please forward this message to anyone you know in the region who might be
able to help.

But no matter where you live, your housing could still make a world of
difference to a person or family in need, so please offer what you can.

The process is simple:

* You can sign up to become a host by posting a description of whatever
housing you have available, along with contact information. You can change
or remove your offer at any time.

* Hurricane victims, local and national relief organizations, friends and
relatives can search the site for housing. We'll do everything we can to
get your offers where they are needed most. Many shelters actually already
have Internet access, but folks without 'net access can still make use of
the site through case workers and family members.

* Hurricane victims or relief agencies will contact hosts and together
decide if it's a good match and make the necessary travel arrangements.
The host's address is not released until a particular match is agreed on.

If hosting doesn't work for you, please consider donating to the Red Cross
to help with the enormous tasks of rescue and recovery. You can give
online at:

http://www.moveon.org/r?r=859

As progressives, we share a core belief that we are all in this together,
and today is an important chance to put that idea to work. There are
thousands of families who have just lost everything and need a place to
stay dry. Let's do what we can to help.

http://www.hurricanehousing.org?id=5949-3538367-OoGKElM6QG6e7VKIhjT9_g

Thanks for being there when it matters most.

--Noah T. Winer and the whole MoveOn.org Civic Action Team
Thursday, September 1st, 2005

Overwhelmed
Mood:  down
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Today makes the seventh day in this recent cycle of feeling bad. It started last Thursday with a major sink into depression, included the little manic (or hypomanic) episode on Friday and Saturday that then settled back into depression on Saturday afternoon. Sunday was a bizarre but mostly okay day (we'll come back to that), but then the depression came back Monday and has just been settling in deeper every day. I've got too much to do at work with Sudie always bringing me more (she realized I was near a breaking point today, though, and restrained herself) and too much to do at home. Back in June when I was trying to get this place ready while Hans was in Seattle, I told my family I wanted to do the Labor Day picnic here, and now that's just adding more pressure. I have to make the place somewhat presentable--of course, I didn't actually finish painting the downstairs last weekend--figure out food, and I have to catch up with financial stuff that Hans said he was going to take over on August 1 but still somehow is on my shoulders. I'm cranky and teary and very lonely and yet really want to be left alone. Not a pretty picture.

So, Sunday. Long run day. Twenty-three miles. The best that I can say is that I finished them. Which is really saying a lot because I SOOOOO wanted to quit. I had to really talk to myself to make myself stay out there--and by "talk to myself" I do mean that yes, I spoke out loud on several occasions, but only in places where there aren't any finished houses yet. I also used smile therapy. I've read that using any excess energy even in maintaining a facial expression can negatively impact running performance, but I needed the little chemical boost that running mile two and mile eight with a smile on my face gave me. I made a series of bad decisions, beginning with getting too late a start (7:00 a.m.), then pushing myself too hard on miles 7 & 8, then refusing to stop at the house to put on sunscreen because I couldn't be getting that burned and it would only make it harder for me to sweat.... Let's just say, I'm glad it wasn't the marathon and hope I learned some lessons. I have two more long runs--26 miles and 28 miles--before the actual race, and I have to get them right so I know what to do on the actual day. I had hoped to do 23 miles at a pace of 4 minutes running and 1 minute walking and finish in about 6 hours. That seemed doable since I finished 20 miles at a run 1 minute, walk 2 minutes pace in that same amount of time. I was on track until somewhere around mile five where I decided it would be fun to see if I could keep my mind engaged by increasing the amount of running I was doing by 1 minute each mile until I hit 10 minutes running and 1 minute walking. I got to 8 minutes running and 1 minute walking and I had depleted whatever energy reserves I had. I was forced to go back to 1 minute walking and 1 minute running through mile 16. Then, I had to walk the last seven miles because I didn't have the mental, emotional, or physical energy to make myself run at all. I was out there 8 hours. Yes, you can laugh. Or cry.

I may well be the very last person to finish the marathon, and that's if they even have volunteers out there to give me water and sports drink after it gets dark....

All I have to say is that I really hope this fog lifts soon. There's no benefit in feeling like this. The depression and mood swings have finally gotten my attention and I'm trying to take actions to get to the causes. I just want to get on with it already!

Savannah Blue is Bilingual and Available Online!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Books
Here is the link to information about the new book from Winged Willow Press, Savannah Blue's Activity Book/Libro de Actividades de Savannah Azul! This is the first bilingual book we've published, and also the first activity book for children. Check it out!!