As much as I have enjoyed the meditation theme of this Tripod blog, I am moving to a new blog, The Goad Not Taken, at http://www.kristinegoad.wordpress.com.  I hope to see you there and thank you for spending your time with me here in the past!

Namaste,

Kristine a.k.a. Lavaflower 

Posted by Kristine at 12:26 AM EDT

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Mood:  flirty

I'm taking a break from packing to ice my ankle - I slipped in Great Dane drool today at work, twisted the ankle I severely sprained a couple years ago while running on pine needles, bruised both knees, and cut up one elbow - and update this blog.

My friend Mary was upset with my last post.  She said I was being too hard on myself, expecting myself to already be that which I aspire to be.  I see her point, but what I didn't say in the last post was that recognizing that I was being hypocritical - asking the country to be innovative and make the hard choices and achieve real, lasting change when I was "unwilling" to do the same - was a suddenly freeing experience!  As soon as I recognized all the things I wasn't doing, I recognized all the opportunities I was ignoring in my own life. I have plans, albeit small plans, for how to move various things in my life forward, and I recognize that my life doesn't have to be all or nothing.  I can be a writer while I'm still working; I can participate in environmental education without having to fly off to Alaska for five months to be a full-time environmental educator.  Yes, I want to be a full-time writer and educator, and, yes, I would love a big outdoor adventure right about now, but I can take baby steps toward these goals while still being a financially responsible adult.  That's what writing my first book-length poetry manuscript taught me: that a big project can be accomplished by spending an hour or two a day involved in moving the project forward.  Then one day you look around and realize that you've written enough pages and that the pages all somehow hang together thematically, and they can even be arranged into a book that actually has an arc!  

I don't have time to go into the details of my plans now, but I can say that I will have a book published within the next few weeks, that I take my first environmental education class next week (I get to learn to identify frogs by their calls!!  How fun!), that I have offered myself as a teacher for a summer nature and art class for kids, and I am moving tomorrow into a house near my family where I hope to be living for the next several years.  We've also changed up the dynamic at work, involving a new person in the mix, so things could get interesting really quickly there, too.  A few weeks ago I wanted a "path" with guaranteed results laid out in front of me to get me from where I am to the "exact" place where I want to be.  Instead, I just started asking what if questions and following small ideas to see where they might lead, and, while there are no guarantees, they might lead to an entirely new way of living, a way of living that is completely of my own design - exactly what I want for myself.

So, I am off to spend another hour packing and then to bed.  And, if I can sleep, I will be having sweet dreams!

Love to all.

K 

Posted by Kristine at 11:05 PM EDT

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After I sent an email to my favorite listserve this afternoon in which I criticized our society's inability to let go of various practices and institutions that have become cumbersome, counterproductive, or even dangerous to our survival on this planet, I suddenly realized how hypocritical I have been.

I am asking America to transform longheld ideas, policies, and practices quickly and dramatically and to withstand the temporary (by Big Picture standards) pain and trepidation that will accompany such a transformation.  I like to think on a vast scale and in the abstract, and even though I realize there are real people involved in all of the crises we are facing, I seem to have no trouble asking them to make huge sacrifices for the greater good that I imagine would ensue.  I am asking my fellow Americans to imagine new ways of doing things, to innovate, to be courageous, to hold the long-term view and to turn their personal, professional, and civic lives practically upside down and inside out.  I want real, radical, effective change.  I want to be swept up in a grand reimagining of what it means to be a successful person, organization, country, individual and collective planetary steward and global citizen.  I want our behaviors to change rapidly, and I feel sure I have the fortitude to wait for delayed results.

But I'm full of crap.  I am a queen of pain avoidance! 

Yes, I have a history of making fast 180s and taking financial risks with the assurance that I will be okay.  But, in the last ten years, I have, with quite a bit of pain and trial-and-error, learned how to be a "responsible adult,"  - well, sort of.  I don't quit a job without another to take its place.  I've lasted twice as long at my current job than at any other.  I have a grown-up mortgage and am facing the full extent of my student loan debt that eats up a third of my income each month.  I have read books on building a secure financial future and have actually taken steps toward making that happen.  For the most part, it would appear that I am meeting my obligations and doing the "right" things.

So, now, faced with the prospect of dramatic change, I start to panic a little.  Like all the other "adults" I know, I want to make sure that any changes I undergo will leave me in a position to pay my bills, keep my (tiny, fuel-efficient by U.S. standards) car, and live without fear of eviction or foreclosure.  I still have a sense that "I" - the spiritual, energetic being that I am at my core - will be okay in the long run, but I want to be okay AND not screw up the credit score I have worked so hard to achieve.    

Basically, I want it both ways.  I want to live according to my passion and my sense of justice - and not according to what will afford me financial security - all the while taking measures to ensure my financial security.  I want to take a running leap off a cliff and be, oh, at least 85% positive I will learn to fly before I become a colorful stain on the canyon floor.  I have lost my nerve.  I have also lost my confidence in myself.

While I am asking "others," - who, exactly? - to reinvent entire industries and governments and to quickly change the direction the human race is taking, I am not reinventing even my own life.  Instead, I sense the need for changes, dramatic changes, and tell myself I can't see the pathway to get me where I need to go.  I devise mild plans, give them half-hearted effort, then let the ensuing status quo convince me of my inability to change.  I keep leaning on the same crutches that I have leaned on for years, even though I recognize that they no longer serve me.  Not only am I not experimenting or innovating, I'm not even excelling at the things I am already doing.  I am not being excellent.  I am not being creative.  I am not being true to myself.  I am not feeding my soul or fulfilling my highest purposes on this planet.  I am asking others to do what I refuse to do myself.  And that sucks.

Which leaves me, having admitted my hypocrisy and failures to myself and the handful of people who read this, with the question, so what do I do about this?

Posted by Kristine at 1:11 AM EST

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Mood:  surprised

Recently, when an old friend with whom I hadn't spoken in ten years sent me an email message to say hello again, I found myself, in only my second email response to him, asking, "What challenges have you conquered? Paint me a picture of your life!"

Excuse me, "what challenges have you conquered?"!  What gave me the right to ask such a grandiose question?!  I am still shocked I asked it.

Even more shocking is that he answered it - with a long list of accomplishments.  He had taken on an amazing new job, moved to a place he less-than-loved but stuck it out long enough to buy a house and put down roots, gone back to school, started his own business, strengthened his marriage, worked hard to improve the ways in which he interacts with the world, and completed the 6-day Ride the Rockies bicycle trek. 

In my defense, this is a Big Ride friend, so when we met we were both focused on overcoming challenges, and it wasn't completely off-base for me to demand to know what challenges he had faced in the past ten years.  But, still, it's a frightening question.

What challenges have I overcome in the past ten years?  I immediately think of all the things with which I'm still struggling - my health and weight, my organization skills (or lack thereof), my apparent unwillingness to take myself seriously in a professional sense (especially as a writer), recurring depression, indecision about whether or not to have a child. But, then, if I keep thinking long enough, I realize there are things I have accomplished, as well.

I wrote my first book-length manuscript and sent it out into the world enough times to rack up twenty-five letters of rejection from agents!  I published my first short story. I learned to swim in open water, despite paralyzing fear, and completed three triathlons.  I completed a half-marathon, even though I wanted to die when it was over. I bought a house and my first new car.  I started a career in the arts and have slowly proven to myself where my talents lie.  I became a landlord, not just a property manager. I designed and taught five new classes and worked experimentally as an artist at the zoo. I have strengthened my own marriage.  I started down the path of energy healing. I tried on, and discarded dozens and dozens of potential career paths, in order to come back (yet again!) to writing, education, and activism as my true vocations.  I have built a life around my dog and my family, proving to myself that even if I don't have a child of my own, I do have what it takes to be responsible to those I love.

In comparison to the adventures of my twenties, the accomplishments of my thirties seem small and less than noteworthy.  They were hard won over long periods of time, so it is easy to overlook them.  The past ten years may not have been about grand travel or bold career advancement, but the work I have done is important foundation-building work that will make it easier for me to take on grand adventures and make bold career moves from a place of strength and stability in the future.  

I turned 40 two weeks ago, and I was hoping, in my still childlike heart, to see a breathtaking, instantaneous transformation of my entire life, some magical reward for becoming a "responsible grown-up."  That hasn't happened, but I trust--I have no other choice!--that I am still moving forward toward greater authenticity and endeavors that will allow me to use my full self--and, god-willing, toward some good, old-fashioned adventure travel!  Toward those ends (at least in in some oblique way, I hope) I have decided to become a certified North Carolina Environmental Educator and have signed up for my first two classes.  I have considered several certification programs (virtual assistant, creativity coach, social media marketing specialist), and this is the one that is the perfect fit for who I am--even if it may not be the perfect one on which to build an independent career.

Reading about my friend's cycling accomplishments even has me motivated to get back out on the bike. I received an email today about a two-day ride to benefit cerebral palsy patients and another one about a twelve-week running clinic.  Time to get moving again, I guess! 

So what challenges have you overcome in the past ten years?  How does thinking about your life in large chunks of time, rather than in terms of your everyday life, affect your view of who you are and your journey on this planet? 

Posted by Kristine at 1:24 AM EST

Updated: Wednesday, March 4, 2009 2:17 AM EST

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Mood:  happy

A few weeks ago, I followed a link from a friend's Facebook page to the page of another old friend and left a message.  The problem was, the old friend for whom I left the message is an old boyfriend.  Even worse, he has yet to accept my Friend Request which is by now months old and has probably been deleted.  See, this is the one boyfriend with whom I am apparently no longer allowed to speak.  I won't go into the details of the breakup (except to say he broke up with me over the phone) or why we're no longer allowed to speak, but I will say it bugs me.  All of this happened twenty years ago (gasp!!! how can I possibly be old enough for that to be true?) and I get it, but I'm ready for it to be done.

When I confessed to my friend Kathy, from whose page I had followed the link, that I had left the message, she went through the roof.  The fact that I had gone back and deleted the message a little while later did not calm her down.  She cannot understand why it bothers me so much that I am cut off so completely from this man. At the time, I couldn't explain it adequately, either.  I told her I wanted an apology from him for the way he broke up with me. What I didn't tell her is that what I really want is an opportunity to apologize to him for sending the letters that ultimately resulted in his refusal to ever speak to me again. 

But even that's not really it.  The apologies aren't what matter to me.

At my birthday, another dear man who has been absent from my life for nearly the last ten years sent me a sweet email out of the blue. It was warm and casual--like it had only been a matter of months since last we corresponded--and, while I will admit I was confused for a few moments, it was a wonderful surprise!  I think, actually, he is the third man to come back into my life in the last several years in this manner, with a friendly, electronic note at my birthday, and I am grateful to him and his predecessors for having the courage to contact me.  We have corresponded via email a few more times, and as with previous returning friends, we did offer each other apologies for the way in which we left things all those years ago, but that is SO not the point.  The apologies are nice--they allow me to get things off my chest that I've been feeling guilty and sad about for way too long, and, seriously, what woman doesn't like to hear a guy admit he was a jerk  ? --but they are just something we have to move through before we can get to the important part - the part where the piece of me that they took with them when they left gets returned to me (I gave it freely and so they were welcome to take it, but I have missed that piece, nonetheless); the part where the hole in the web I spend my life weaving gets repaired, thereby strengthening every single strand in the entire web; the part where I get to enjoy the person I loved again as a friend, as an adult, from an entirely new perspective. It is really a joyful experience to have an old friend return!  There is relief - like a deep inhale after holding one's breath too long - and validation - yes! the friendship did matter and I wasn't a total fool for giving them a piece of myself in the first place! - and a flood of what I can only describe as a sense of well-being, of rightness, that some small imbalance in the world has been corrected.

I'm sure this makes me sound overly sentimental and simple, but I do not understand how people who loved each other once can stop loving each other.  Love can change form, but in my experience, it never goes away.  I experience the love I have for someone regardless of whether I am able to express it to them.  So when an old friend comes back into my life, it's as though a circuit is completed.  I am able to send love directly to the person I adore, instead of imagining it bouncing back to me from a brick wall or falling through the hole in my web and dispersing.

So to any dear friends who may or may not have recently received an ill-advised message regarding the Top Gun soundtrack, I'm sorry and I miss you.  Each of you will have to contact me individually to receive the specific apology you are owed.

And to the dear friend who is recently returned, thank you for finding me and having the courage to say hello again!  I can't tell you how full my heart is to have you back in my life. 

Posted by Kristine at 11:54 PM EST

Updated: Wednesday, March 4, 2009 12:31 AM EST

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Reader Beware: the following probably constitutes a rant, and a rambling rant at that! 

I received an email today from a professional acquaintance about the ruling in Los Angeles that upheld a private school's right to expel two students on suspicion that they were lesbian.  It made me crazy.  It haunted me all day long.  I ranted about it to my boss.  I posted about it in Twitter, and tried to post about it on Facebook but was blocked by a message that some users found the content "abusive."  Uh, hello, the expulsion was abusive!  Not being able to discuss it or post a story about it is just plain censorship.  But I digress.

Awhile later, I read a post by my lovely, wise friend Mary Ruth who asserts that love is the motivation for all actions, even hateful ones.  

Upon more measured consideration, I realize the court was saying that there is no law against a school expelling students who may be exhibiting behavior, or in this case are suspected of exhibiting behavior, that runs counter to its religious teachings and foundation. The court is NOT necessarily saying that the school's actions were honorable, correct, ethical, or moral.  The court was upholding its obligation, its love, for the law as it currently stands in the state of California.

So my anger is misdirected if I aim it at the court.  

Which leaves the school as my remaining target.  What love motivated them to remove these two young girls based on one student's testimony that one of the girls told the other she loved her?  Isn't one of the fundamental teachings of Christianity "Love thy neighbor?"  Yet this school chose to judge this expression of love as inappropriate--you can't love her because that would constitute a transgression against another part of the Christian teaching that further defines which of your neighbors you are allowed to love in which ways.  So what love was the school operating under when it removed these two friends?  The love of a principle?  The love of a God and his rules?  The love of its student body as a whole and a fear that it would be harmed by the presence of these two?  The love, or approval, of the student body's parents who pay tuition and allow the school to operate?  Probably one or a combination of these.  And, yet, in serving that perhaps "larger" love, that intangible love, they failed to show concrete love and compassion for the two individual girls who were perceived to somehow pose a threat to their community.  The example they set teaches students to judge and fear, to place conformity to a principle above respect and compassion for the individual, to operate from a place of assumed authority rather than from a place of equality and awareness of shared humanity.

Which is why I love the Sanskrit word Namaste so much.  Ram Dass has translated it to mean: "I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells. I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light, and of peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, We are One."

And this is what I believe, that we are one. That love is everything. That we are here to learn how to feel love, to express love, to aspire to expand ourselves and our awareness to the extent that we are able to act from a place of love in every moment.  Not to fear love, define love, judge love, cling to love, but to be love.

These girls, in my opinion and from my far removed perspective, were being love and were punished for that. Rather than being praised for being open and expressing true emotion, they were removed from their peer group. The message to all young people: be careful to whom you express love, be careful about how you express love, close down rather than opening up, love can hurt you, love has rules and boundaries and exploring those boundaries is forbidden, and most importantly, be afraid of who you are. In a society that has produced movies with titles like Mean Girls and where bullying is a regular part of growing up, we should be celebrating friends who actually like each other and express that openly, not kicking them out of school.

Which brings me to my own life. I have been hurt and embarrassed as a result of expressing love--sometimes I've chosen the "wrong" person or the wrong time or the wrong words--but I've always tried to respect myself for having had the courage to offer that love, regardless of how it was received.  Believe me, this is what got me through my teen years and early adulthood!  Luckily, now I'm married and I only have all the other love issues to navigate.

But even now, I find occasions where, in hindsight, I worry that in interactions with friends or acquaintances (or sometimes complete strangers!) I may have gushed too much, said something a little too outrageous, been a little too "me." I especially find this with electronic communication. I will jump onto a friend's Facebook page and leave what I believe to be a complimentary comment, and then feel stupid and embarrassed and wish I'd just kept my thoughts to myself.  In cyberspace you don't always get instant feedback to your "interactions" and often you don't get any feedback at all. It is so easy for someone who cares what others think to interpret silence as rejection, to imagine the other person laughing - or worse - at her expense. And sometimes these experiences will cause me to withdraw from interactions for extended periods of time, until somehow I forget that I'm socially inept and jump back in to make some new inappropriate remark.  

But lately, like in the last 48 hours, I've decided to stop being embarrassed and worried about how others perceive me.  As long as I am operating from a place of love and a place of authenticity, I have nothing to be embarrassed of.  I am putting my full self, for better or worse, into the world.  Maybe that self is a dork, but she's a loving, supportive dork! 

Posted by Kristine at 12:01 AM EST

Updated: Wednesday, February 4, 2009 9:55 AM EST

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Mood:  chillin'

It's late and I should either be asleep (I have to get up at 4:45 to make it to the polls when they open at 6:30 as I have a long drive) or working (I'm behind on getting pieces written for my work website) or uploading photos of the house to my Craigslist listing for the rental property or putting away things I've recently moved from the house or doing Reiki on myself or family members, but I'm sitting in the dark in my kitchen thinking instead.  I can't really even say what I'm thinking about.  It just seems as though I need a break from the constant motion that has been my life over the last five weeks and sitting here seems to be fulfilling some kind of need.

I have a busy week ahead--voting tomorrow morning, a membership meeting at the art co-op on Wednesday night, taking Hans to a reading by John Irving on Thursday night, taking my nephew out to hoot for owls on Friday night--and then I have a business opportunity I need to follow up on next week in addition to getting the house rented, the apartment organized finally, and my schedule for exercise and writing put in place.  

I realized last week, somewhere around Tuesday, that I am depressed again.  I had been chalking up a lot of things to boredom at work and stress at home, but the truth is I'm depressed.  Not to the point that I'm failing to see options or thinking about doing anything stupid, just to the point that I'm not using my time well, I'm constantly fatigued, and I'm mostly disinterested in things.  At the same time I realized this, I also realized how truly little time there is in a day.  I get up at 6:00, drive to work from 7:00 to 8:00, work until 3:30 or 4:00, drive for another hour+, take Kaija to the park, feed her dinner, get myself dinner (it takes me half an hour to make a salad!), watch an hour of t.v. with Hans and it's time for bed.  There is an hour or 90 minutes in there somewhere that goes to things like opening mail, changing clothes, playing with the dog, doing laundry, updating Craigslist, trying to keep up with the email in my inbox.  I could try to be more efficient about some of these things, but that won't be easy.  Where is the time for exercise going to come from?  Where is the time for writing going to come from?  And I need more time for food prep.  I can give up the hour of t.v. time with Hans, but if I do that, I won't see him at all during the week.  So exercise time is going to have to come out of my current sleep budget, writing will have to take place during the half-hour I don't usually take for lunch, and food prep will have to happen on Sunday.  I really don't know how people do it.  I can only guess that they don't get enough sleep, which has been my strategy of late, but I can't maintain that much longer.  I have to get at least seven hours on a regular basis and I am at my best when I can get nine.  So what am I doing up rambling about this on my blog when I should be sleeping?

In addition to all the move craziness and trying to get caught up on things I haven't been moving quickly enough on at work, I'm still dealing with health issues and trying to solve them once and for all with medication and behavioral changes, and I'm trying to think about what kinds of issues I want to be thinking about and working on in the long run.  I have a big birthday coming up in three months, and I want to feel like I'm contributing to something worthwhile as I enter the next decade of my life.  I have avenues I'd like to pursue, but all of them are daunting for various reasons.  My horoscope says I have to get moving on them pretty quick, though, as the first two weeks of November are the best opportunity I have had all year to break new ground.  Yes, I know I'm being vague, but there are practical reasons for that now.  As things progress, details will follow. For now, though, I am going to sleep.  Breaking new ground requires that a girl be rested, after all.

Peace, love, and sweet dreams,

K

P.S.  Let's get out and vote!  I am praying for a smooth election with a clear victor and a quick acceptance of that victor by the American people.  No hanging chads, no disenfranchisement, no 269-tie, no bitterness, no fear--just unity and hope.

Posted by Kristine at 10:18 PM EST

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Mood:  rushed

So, as per my usual, it appears I forgot to tie up the loose ends of this project that was intended to conclude at the end of August, or at least by the first of fall.  The truth is, I didn't actually forget, I just didn't get around to it.  Once I'd realized that I had "brought myself home" but was refusing to acknowledge her, the project lost its power.  I had arrived at the understanding I needed, and so didn't really come back here to celebrate or explain or even say thank you for indulging me in another of my silly quests....

And, now, I'm in the middle of packing up our house so we can rent it while we rent an apartment in Raleigh much closer to Hans's job.  We're going from a 3-bedroom house to a 1 bedroom apartment with practically no storage space, so I'm having to get rid of a lot of things and that causes an emotional strain on me to go along with the physical strain of trying to work a full-time job and be in two living spaces at once.  So, there's not really any time for a post now, either, but I was feeling the need to check in.  I may have some time this afternoon, and, if so, I'll try to come back and put a bow on the summer project so I can bless it and move on.

So, to anyone who was following along and feels let down that I disappeared for so long, thank you for your patience and I apologize for the vanishing act.  (If you've been following me for very long, though, you've probably come to expect long silences....)

Be well and hold to your own course in these crazy financial and political times.  Reexamine your plan to make sure it is still basically sound, but then listen to your own advice and know that you are resilient enough to weather this storm.  There is so much opportunity (for redefining, revisioning, repositioning, and testing new, wild plans) in uncertainty--seize it if you can.

Namaste,

K

Posted by Kristine at 12:25 PM EDT

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Mood:  quizzical

On Saturday, I wrote a short short story while I colored my hair. 

(Yes, I had promised Hans that I would let my hair be whatever color it wants to be, but I just couldn't stand it!  There was so much gray!  And I had a box of hair color that I bought to use before I went to New York, but then I never got around to it and it was just sitting there saying, "come on, you already spent the money; you know you wanna' do it," and I gave in.  The color is haven't-seen-the-sun-in-48-days-mid-winter-dark-brown, which is really darker and flatter than I like, but it covered the gray and evened things out, and I'm happier.)

The story is only 758 words, which, even for me, is short. 

I let Hans read it on Sunday and he said, "I like it." 

He didn't argue with me about a single word or line or detail. 

It must really suck!

Posted by Kristine at 4:40 PM EDT

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Mood:  happy

I am preparing to see the eye specialist for a follow-up appointment this afternoon.  Even though I promised myself that my eye would get better, it has gotten worse.  If I am using that eye alone, I see well enough to walk, but not drive, and I can’t read with it.  It casts a dark shadow over things so I don’t see colors correctly, and what I do see is small, warped, and farther away than it actually is.  When I’m using both eyes, the injured eye sometimes causes a double image—especially with lights and reflective surfaces—and/or adds a warp to what I’m seeing.  In my moments of detachment, it’s quite interesting really.

Here’s the story I’m telling myself.  At the time the occlusion occurred in my eye, I was putting a lot of strain on my eyes looking at slides and preparing to go to New York with Sudie’s art.  I was also sending healing energy daily to two people who were each preparing to undergo surgery to remove their left eye. 

I think that during my healing sessions, I sent too much blood through my own eye and it caused a vein, probably under stress from plaque build-up on the arterial walls, to rupture and the leaking blood has caused changes in the surface of my lens, resulting in poor vision.  For awhile, though, I was worried I had taken on the ailments of the people I was trying to heal.  This freaked me out so much I immediately stopped doing all healing work on myself or anyone else.  A few weeks ago, I came up with the increased blood flow theory and reassured myself that I do have the right to try to heal my own eye.  I have since done some work to try to restore its function and vision, but my results have not been consistent.  Some days I wake up and see only a small, quarter-sized disruption in my visual field; others, like today, there is an oil spill that disrupts everything I see.  I fear today they may say I’m legally blind in that eye.

This morning, I found Hans getting dressed for work and I said, “I need you to look at my left eye and tell me if I’m still in it.”

“Whaddya mean ‘if you’re still in it’?!”  Then, realizing that this was one of those important game-deciding moments that husbands train for every day in case the coach throws them in and says “bring it home,” he rose to the occasion.

He looked into my eyes and said, with sincerity and the exact right level of emphasis, “Yes, your sparkliness and spirit are still there.”

He waited for me to walk away and then come back a few moments later to kiss him before making a joke about finding me the best home for the blind Medicare would pay for.

Posted by Kristine at 11:20 AM EDT

Updated: Saturday, August 16, 2008 1:14 PM EDT

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