Enlightenment
Mood:  rushed
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Sudie left her latest Yoga Journal on my desk today, so I read an article about enlightenment while I ate lunch. Nothing really earth shaking in it, mostly just good reminders about things I've read, heard, or thought previously. The author recommends a series of exercises to help you "practice" enlightenment, which she defines as an understanding that every object and every life is one with your own consciousness. The fourth exercise in the series asks you to hold an enemy in your thoughts and attempt to experience that person as part of your own consciousness, to feel compassion and love flowing between you. Over the years, I have practiced this while thinking of various ex-boyfriends and Ned, my first boss in Seattle, who I have decided came into my life to teach me once and for all to stand up for my self-worth and individuality in the face of blatant discrimination and verbal abuse and to make my own creative life, rather than churning out boring trade copy for a monthly magazine just to say I was a writer and editor. But even though each of these men hurt me deeply in his own, brutally unique way, I do not believe in the concept of "enemy." [Some of my most valuable lessons have come from these experiences, so how can I consider my teachers enemies? These men may not have had love in their hearts for me (though I think some of them did, even as they were forcing me out of their lives), but I am free to feel gratitude and compassion for them.] I can't think of one person with whom I haven't been able to find some common ground (post high school, of course, because high school, for all of its pressures toward conformity, is the antithesis of common ground), and that's one of the things I really like about me. It made me good at talking to people about environmental issues when I was working for PIRG, and it makes meeting strangers easier for me every day.

When I think about the word "enemy" now, the closest I can come to actually pinning that title on an individual is to find someone who I feel is an enemy of the ideals or ethical standards in which I believe. Therefore, Shrub is the easiest target. He seems so completely removed from reality, and yet he believes his policies and his views are based on strong ethical ground, too. Still, I get physically ill at the sound of his voice. There was a point during the last election, though, during the last debate, when I actually felt I could trust him and I was proud of his performance. Afterall, he stood up straight and smiled and seemed rational. This is the closest I have come in terms of enlightenment when it comes to him. Of course, when I told Hans about these feelings, he was angry--how could I be proud of a man who, after three+ years in office, was just now learning that he had to talk to the people of the country as though their opinions mattered and who had finally accepted the coaching he had received so that he could fake looking presidential?

Apparently, the PIRG brainwashing I underwent at the age of 21 was very powerful, because, even fifteen years later, there is a part of me that is resistant to letting go of my resistance to this man. It is still easier to break things down into the "your either part of the problem or part of the solution" mentality of 1990's environmentalism than it is to consider him as a man who believes in himself and his convictions. I suppose it comes down to a separation between feeling compassion for the man as a human being--of this, I think I am capable--and believing the man should be leading our country. So in all my spare time, you'll find me practicing remembering that Shrub is part of my own consciousness.

Afterall, Ford's in his Flivver, and all's well with the world.

New Art Project!
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Kids in America by The Muffs
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Hans left for Seattle today and arrived safely and on time, despite the pilot of his first flight finding (prior to take-off) that two bolts had been sheared off one of the wheels of the landing gear. This is the first time since we've been married that he's the one traveling and I'm the one home alone. It's a weird feeling. Unfortunately, I'm too busy to make use of the alone time with writing or reading, so I'm just stuck feeling left behind and a little overwhelmed with all that needs to be done.

Hans made it very clear before he left, though, that he wants the new house to be my personal, ongoing art project and gave me his blessing to do anything to it that I want. He also reminded me that anything I do, I'm doing just for us--meaning there are no judges--so it should be fun and non-stressful. I took a vacation day today to get Hans to the airport, receive the new mattresses we bought, and start packing. I got all of our small appliances cleaned, packed, and moved, as well as a few other necessities--like the punch bowl, silver candlesticks and tapers, 100 tea lights, the tea pot Candy painted, the fruit bowl I painted, and the cake serving set from our wedding that is engraved with both of our marriage dates. If only I had friends, I could have had a tea party! I figured those things needed to be moved eventually, and I enjoyed finding places for them. I also managed to paint one of the kitchen walls sapphire! I love the way it looks, and, amazingly, it was fun and non-stressful! I can't wait to do more, but I can't get back out there until at least Thursday. I'm going to try to get in an hour of painting before work that morning, and then go back out with Kaija on Friday and maybe spend the night. I would like to get the first floor painted before Hans comes home.

Home Sweet Home!
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Daily Eruptions
They actually let us--two Peter Pan, creative type, perpetual wanderers--buy a house! I am amazed. It all happened so fast and there were no surprises, except that it was so easy and that everyone was so helpful and encouraging! The place looks great, and it's ours! So we now live in Whitsett, North Carolina--population 700 + 2 (and 1 American Hairless Terrier)!

I'm taking Hans to the airport in the morning and will be on my own for nine days to try to get some things moved and organized and packed up. I'm taking tomorrow off from work to start painting the new kitchen (I'm carrying my ocean sunset theme over to the new house) and to accept delivery of the new bed we bought today, then I have to get my act together and get this place packed up. I'll probably spend the holiday weekend painting, too, and I may be able to get Dad to help me get started tiling around Hans's shower. There is so much I want to do and even more that I have to do!

Oh, and today we discovered the best part--four miles down the road in Burlington is a movie theater (a major necessity) and the best pizza on the planet--Sir Pizza! I was eating Sir Pizza while I was still in the womb, and I have missed it ever since I moved away from Battle Creek! Now I just have to try to forget it's there....

Peace and Love and Many, Many Thanks!!!!

Lucky Thirteen
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Marathon
I managed to walk/run thirteen miles for only the third time ever tonight. Hans and I took Brendan to see Madagascar yesterday and to Spinners for dinner, and then he got to have his first sleepover at our house--we figured if we were going to get that in, it would be easier when he lives two minutes away than when he lives 90 minutes away, so we wanted to have him over before we moved. I knew that by the time he woke up and I made him breakfast and took him to the pool, it would be impossible for me to get in my morning run, so I planned to run this evening. The heat made it difficult, and I admit, I walked more than I ran, but I got the mileage in. On weeks where I'm increasing distance I figure the emphasis is on musculoskeletal adaptation anyway, so if I can still walk and I'm not having an asthma attack at the end of a long run, I'm pretty happy. Tonight I got in a very long workout at a fat-burning heart rate and I feel the way I did after the first day of my three-day stationary cycling fundraiser at the movie theatre in Lynnwood--wouldn't it be nice if I could somehow manage to drop 10 pounds tonight the way I did that weekend? (The hard part is realizing that in the time I spent walking/running 13 miles, I could have done 60 or 70 miles on the bike!)

The other great thing about tonight is that I got through the mental barrier of doing 13 miles. I felt so awful after the half-marathon in 2002, I was actually scared to try another 13 tonight. Because I didn't push the running this time, I didn't have an asthma attack and I think I'll be able to move pretty well tomorrow.

What is becoming clear to me, though, is that my time is not going to suddenly improve. Maybe if I had lost fifty pounds before I started training instead of trying to do it while I'm training, I might have been able to shave several minutes off my mile. But I think that realistically now I'm looking at seconds and not minutes. At this point, a sub 6 hour time would be a miracle, and I should probably be happy if I finish in less than 8. I was living in D.C. the year Oprah turned 40 and ran the Marine Corp Marathon in 4:39. Maybe if I do the marathon every year until I'm forty, and take an hour off my time each year, I might be able to match her time when I'm 40. Sure would be nice to have Bob Greene to drag me out of bed every morning and force me to run and have Rosie cooking all my meals.... I'm pretty sure I really need a coach pushing me to see any real increases in speed. The thing about Oprah's experience is that, yes, she turned in an excellent time for a first marathon and looked fantastically fit, but she hated it so much she says she will never do another marathon. I want to finish my first one looking forward to my next one. If this experience totally sucks, I will probably never attempt Ironman, and I want to be strong enough to finish Ironman.

I've promised myself that my reward for finishing this marathon is a dance class. I miss moving my body to music! I've let my weight keep me from really enjoying and inhabiting my body, and I've decided it's time for that to end. Besides, when you are training for endurance events, it's a good idea to take some time off from your sport(s) in the winter and engage in a different mode of fitness. I'm trying to decide between a salsa, hip hop, or jazz class. Jazz will always be there and feels kind of outdated. Hip hop might be awful because none of those moves are intuitive to me. Salsa may be just what I need--especially if it means I also get to buy a hot, red dress and wear high heels and feel like a girl. I miss feeling like a girl.... Although, today, I had a little pink on my cheeks and on the tip of my nose and gold streaks from the sun in my hair and my eyes were sparkly and I felt like the outdoorsy, summer girl was coming back. The outdoorsy, summer girl is good!

Summer Solstice (NOT for the shy or squeamish)
Mood:  lucky
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I celebrated the solstice by starting my period again!! Only a week has passed since the last one, and I have to say, I'm a little freaked out. Hans has tried to make me feel better by insisting that it has to be the stress of everything we're doing to make the closing happen on Monday and getting ready for the move and buying a new car, etc., but that doesn't really make me worry less that it means I'm perimenopausal. What my body needs to understand is that just because I started my period at eleven and so have had twenty-five childbearing years, I am not ready at thirty-six to give up the possibility of having a child. Afterall, I was unmarried for eighteen of those twenty-five years. This is exactly what Oprah tried to scare me with three years ago (because you know she knows exactly which three shows I'm going to watch each year and she targets them directly to me), but I'm not buying it. I refuse to believe that the Universe would let me spend most of my childbearing years terrified that my body would do exactly what it was designed to do--attract men and produce babies--only to take away the ability to actually have a child just at the point where I might be getting to a place emotionally and financially where I am ready for one, and where I have a partner who is also nearly ready for one. My body needs to give me one more year to get the weight and asthma under control and figure out what's going on with my liver--end of story.

The Universe balanced out my world, though, by giving North Carolina an absolutely gorgeous day for the solstice. The humidity mysteriously left the air late last week and hasn't come back! It's amazing. I was able to run in the evening, which I definitely prefer over running in the morning. I only went out for forty minutes, and Hans and Kaija did the first .8 of a mile with me. Kaija thinks it's a game--she and Hans leave for a walk while I'm getting dressed, and then somehow the two of them run into me while I'm out on the run, and she gets all excited to have found me. I think she thinks it's odd to see me "running," because when we go out for walks she has to slow down her normal trot in order for me to keep up, just as Hans has to slow down his normal walk. On run nights, though, she and Hans are able to walk (Hans) and trot (Kaija) at their normal speed and have me keep up. This makes Kaija happy dance a lot, and it's fun to have the company now that Hans has stopped making jokes about my stubby legs (his hips are nearly at my shoulders!) and asking "When are we actually gonna' run?"

The weather was so nice that I was able to eat lunch outside in Sudie's garden. Ecco sat at my feet because now that they're renovating the studio she wants nothing to do with that end of the property, and I sat in this huge metal chair that looks like it's made of tree branches and reeds hidden in the formal garden in front of the house. I love this chair because I can sit cross-legged in it and feel small. When I first started working here in January, I was very aware of the trees--everything seemed green even in the winter. But now that it's summer, I see that there are a ton of deciduous trees on the property, too, and the sunlight coming through the leaves and trunks reminds me of Michigan's U.P. What I really want to do is sit outside in that oversized hidden chair and write poetry all day. Guess that will have to wait! Maybe next week I can sit out there to do my writing for the divination project since I write longhand.

In any event, I am receiving blessings from every direction and I think it's going to be an amazing summer.

The Hardest Part of My Day is Over
Mood:  happy
Topic: Marathon
I decided when I signed up for this marathon that it was important that I do overdistance training so that I could be sure I could do the race miles and still be able to move afterward. So I've been attempting to follow Jeff Galloway's training schedule for people who want to finish in 4:40 without adhering to the speed component. That is, I've been doing the same distances but not worrying about doing all the short races that he suggests for people with a time goal. This seems to be working out alright, and since I'm now at the place where I'm moving from mileages of ten miles or fewer into mileages that are of longer distances than I've done before, I gave myself until this weekend to make a final decision whether I will continue following this course or step down to the Beginner program. I'm going to continue, which means I should do the race distance once before the race and then a 28-miler before I start tapering. I think I will need this little confidence boost on race day, and as long as I take it easy--as I have been--I think it should work for me.

Today was an 8 mile run before next week's thirteen-miler. It was very smooth and I didn't have any problems with my feet, legs or lungs. The barriers today were all mental. I don't mind distance, but I hate having to put out all the effort for speed! I realized at one point today during a run segment that my arms were barely moving, so after that I concentrated each time I started a run segment on pumping my arms in order to make my legs work harder.

I have to get serious about getting up in time for early morning runs during the week. Those are my times to work on speed, and I've been short-changing them. And I will get on the bike, probably on my indoor trainer, at least one day this week. I think cross-training would improve my overall fitness. I need to reread the information I got at triathlon camp, too, on training with a heart rate monitor. If I were more rigorous about using that tool, I think my fitness would be increasing a lot more quickly.

I'm going to give myself one more full week (including next Sunday's long run) at 60% running before moving up to 4 minute run segments with a 1 minute walking recovery. Once I move up to that amount of running, I will play around with running 8 minutes with a 2 minute walk break to see whether running in longer stretches is easier mentally (it's hard to start running again once I've stopped). That might be the extent of the increases in overall running that I do, though. There's a chance I'll move up to a 9 minute run with a 1 minute walk, but I doubt it. From there, I'll need to focus on consistency, form, and whatever I'm calling speed.

New Dream Writers Retreat
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Writing
Since I'm going to be broke for the next several months, it is completely unrealistic to think I would have money to go on the Pam Houston writing retreat on the Green River about which I've already written, and now I've found another retreat, which falls right around the same time, that is even grander that has also captured my imagination. Francis Ford Coppola is the publisher of a magazine called Zoetrope: All-Story ($6.95 an issue, available at Barnes & Noble in the Literary magazine section) and now he has the Zoetrope: All Story Short Story Writers' Workshop for which I found a listing in the July/August edition of Poets & Writers. The workshop is led by Charles D'Ambrosio and George Saunders, but the real draw for me comes from the location: "Come to Francis Ford Coppola's beautiful Blancaneaux Lodge in Belize...four-star meals, luxurious bungalow accommodations, and trips to the Mayan ruins at Caracol, the Rainforest Medicine Trails, and the Rio On Pools." Don't know any writers who can actually afford such a writing vacation, but damn it sounds amazing! I want to get to Belize before Belize stops being Belize and becomes just another tourist vacation spot. Am I already too late?

Inspiration on a Schedule
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: Writing
For the last two days, things have been quieter with the whole house buying process (we're planning to have a walk-through with the builder next Wednesday, and then we'll close the following Monday), so I've been feeling the urge to write again. On Tuesday night I took a look at the new short story I'm working on (working title "Dressing for Tom Cruise") and made a few changes and then thought I'd pick up the writing again last night. Instead, I ended up going to the pool with Candy's family and Hans needed the computer for car shopping, so no new writing got done. Hans will probably need the computer every night from now until he leaves for Seattle, so I decided that if I am going to write, I need to be able to do it longhand, which I kind of enjoy anyway. And rather than reading during my lunch break, I decided I would try writing in my notebook, starting today.

Where I left off in the story on Tuesday, the main character has just declared that she's tired of feeling like her husband is little more than a roommate. So today I was trying to figure out the next line of dialogue, but instead, I saw a completely different scene! The main character isn't with the woman I first envisioned at all, but with a group of women ranging in age from 25 to 65, and not in the stuffy L.A. restaurant that includes California pizza on the menu even though it has white linen tablecloths and napkins on all the tables, but having beers and the cheese sampler and chips and guacamole at the Redhook Ale Brewery in Woodinville, Washington. They're not getting together for a my-eating-disorder-is-more-under-control-than-yours-is L.A. lunch, but are wearing lycra and spandex over their variously sized bodies because they just finished an evening bike ride on the Burke-Gilman. This changes everything!

On a practical level, it means rewriting every word from the beginning of the story, but that's okay because the writing was coming slowly and I was spending a lot of time on details of the moment, not because I was trying to pace and place the story so much as because I couldn't figure out what the story really was. Now I can feel the moment and it has energy and I know the writing will flow, at least for awhile. So this in itself is exciting.

But, really, the reason I am so excited by this is because it signals a shift in the way I am able to think about my writing, or at least about short fiction. The short stories I've written in the past didn't feel like they could have been set in another place or been peopled with different characters. Once I had the idea, there seemed to be only one way to write it and I either succeeded or failed in my attempt to bring it to fruition. When "Infinity" came to me, it literally came to me as if I were taking dictation. My dad was having a major surgery the next day and I was alone in L.A. and didn't want to go to sleep until I knew he was actually in pre-op and surrounded by the nurses and doctors who would help him, so I decided to stay up all night and write. A conscious decision to engage in the act of writing with absolutely no idea what I was going to write about. And the first two lines came to me and then the whole rest of the story. I turned it in to Shelley Lowenkopf the very next day and he asked for one change that I was able to make because the line really didn't pay off, but I couldn't make any others no matter who requested them. The story felt sacred somehow and if I altered it, it would be ruined forever. So now, to be able to consider alternate ways of telling the story, to let go of the pages I've already written in order to let the story find its truest form, is new and empowering. Hopefully, it means I'm gaining some perspective and maturity.

and I Feel Fiiine
Mood:  happy
Topic: Marathon
I got my morning workout in--just barely. I woke up at 5:00 feeling like the back of my throat had been scraped and every bit as exhausted as I felt last night. Hans said I had woken the dog with my snoring in the middle of the night and she had barked at me, so I guess snoring could account for the throat thing and the exhaustion. In any event, I didn't actually drag myself out of bed until 6:00, and Kaija did everything she could to keep me from getting up even then. I went out for only 22 minutes with no warm-up, and felt okay, but there was no joy in it, despite the gorgeous "vanilla sky" sunrise. By the time we were in the car and driving to Durham, my body ached from my neck down and I was feeling fat and lethargic and deflated.

Just as I was hitting Hillsborough, though, I turned on the radio. Unfortunately, I seem to have burned myself out on NPR recently. I can't stand to hear the news even if it is broken up with cool essays and stories. So I turned it to The River and heard 4 or 5 good songs, and then they played the song Hans and I used as our wedding recessional, "It's the End of the World as We Know it (and I Feel Fine)" by REM. That's all it took! I've been BOUNCING ever since! It's amazing what one great song can do.

Plus remembering the wedding got me thinking about me and Hans. He and I definitely have our difficulties--we're two very opinionated people with strong, stubborn personalities--but our being together has a purpose. Aside from the more obvious reasons we're together, we're also a great team, and we have a lot to learn from each other, as well as from the experience of being stuck with each other. The next couple of weeks are going to be trying, but the man and I survived living two months in a tent together, so I'm sure we'll survive this, too. And our lives will have a cool, different shape when we come out on the other side.

Wired
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Marathon
Just figured out Jeff Galloway didn't mean three 4x1 mile sets for last weekend's long run--he meant three or four 1 mile intervals.... Glad I didn't really try to do the workout the way I understood it! I still think I overdid last weekend, and I think not eating breakfast beforehand hurt me. From now on I'll have to be sure to eat something before I go out on long runs. Peanut butter is too high in fat to technically qualify for my diet, but I bought some reduced fat stuff and if I eat only half a tablespoon, I'm only looking at three grams of fat. A PB&J sandwich would be easy and quick, and get a little protein into my system.

I waited until 9:00 tonight to go out and attempt my short run because the temperature was in the nineties today and I think the humidity must have been, too. There's just no air in the air in the south! I had the same problem I had last week of not feeling like I was getting enough oxygen even on a long, deep inhale. I ended up walking and, for the rest of the summer, I just have to accept that my workouts have to happen in the morning. Provided I can get out of bed at 5:00 and be out the door by 5:15, a morning run is doable, but I am not a morning person.

Now that the adrenaline rush of moving and buying a house is starting to fade, I'm starting to get the urge to write again. It's going to be a tough balance trying to fit in workouts, writing sessions, and packing, but I feel like I've been making steps in all the right directions over the last couple weeks. The solstice is next week; I'll have to spend some time thinking about a small ritual I can do to help cement any new good behaviors and weed out any lingering bad ones. It's a full moon, which is a time for bringing things to fruition rather than starting new projects, so it might be good timing depending on how I think about my progress.

It's after eleven and I should be sleeping...wish I felt sleepy.