Wired
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Marathon
Just figured out Jeff Galloway didn't mean three 4x1 mile sets for last weekend's long run--he meant three or four 1 mile intervals.... Glad I didn't really try to do the workout the way I understood it! I still think I overdid last weekend, and I think not eating breakfast beforehand hurt me. From now on I'll have to be sure to eat something before I go out on long runs. Peanut butter is too high in fat to technically qualify for my diet, but I bought some reduced fat stuff and if I eat only half a tablespoon, I'm only looking at three grams of fat. A PB&J sandwich would be easy and quick, and get a little protein into my system.

I waited until 9:00 tonight to go out and attempt my short run because the temperature was in the nineties today and I think the humidity must have been, too. There's just no air in the air in the south! I had the same problem I had last week of not feeling like I was getting enough oxygen even on a long, deep inhale. I ended up walking and, for the rest of the summer, I just have to accept that my workouts have to happen in the morning. Provided I can get out of bed at 5:00 and be out the door by 5:15, a morning run is doable, but I am not a morning person.

Now that the adrenaline rush of moving and buying a house is starting to fade, I'm starting to get the urge to write again. It's going to be a tough balance trying to fit in workouts, writing sessions, and packing, but I feel like I've been making steps in all the right directions over the last couple weeks. The solstice is next week; I'll have to spend some time thinking about a small ritual I can do to help cement any new good behaviors and weed out any lingering bad ones. It's a full moon, which is a time for bringing things to fruition rather than starting new projects, so it might be good timing depending on how I think about my progress.

It's after eleven and I should be sleeping...wish I felt sleepy.

Today IT Wasn't In Me
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Marathon
Why am I doing a marathon?? I asked myself that question once this morning while I was out trying to finish eleven miles, and luckily I heard myself say it, and I answered it immediately with ten reasons. My favorite was, "Because I can." Still, the run was awful.

The alarm went off at 5:10 a.m., but my neck was stiff and I'm having my period so my lower back hurt, and I didn't relish the idea of running around the neighborhood with my socks filling up with blood. (When I first started long distance cycling, I asked Mary, a former professional triathlete, how women dealt with their period in sports where blisters caused by friction were an issue, and her response was, "You wear a tampon and get used to seeing your own blood. You're an athlete." Somehow, I don't think my neighbors would quite see it that way.) I considered skipping the run altogether, but then I reminded myself that stress could easily change the date of my cycle, and there was every possibility that I would also be having my period on the day of the marathon. I have promised myself that I will train for every circumstance.... Somehow I finally dragged myself out of bed at 6:00, still feeling exhausted from the week I've had. I had to invoke the 5-Minute Promise I used to use to get myself to the pool--I have to dress and begin my workout, and if 5 minutes into it, I really want to quit, I am allowed to do that. I have only actually quit one time that I can recall.

I did a few sun salutations to stretch out my neck and hips, and I was out the door by 6:15 because I didn't bother with breakfast. My goal was to do 11 miles any way I could, but the Jeff Galloway 4:40 time goal people (NOT me) were supposed to do 3-4x1 miles (11 miles total) this weekend, and since I haven't done any continuous running miles yet (I have been doing only timed intervals), I thought I'd see if I could crank out even one 4x1 mile set.

I walked a half-mile to warm up, then set out at the slowest jog possible, and was amazed to find that I could finish a mile without walking. So then I walked a tenth of a mile and jogged another mile. They were incredibly slow miles, but I proved to myself that I can do them. By the time I'd finished two, the dogs in the townhouses on the half-mile loop I was running were beginning to wake up and bark at me, so I decided to spread the aggravation I caused over a larger area, and went back to running intervals.

Until the end of mile seven, the 60% intervals (3 minute run, 2 minute walk) that were so difficult on Thursday were now easy. Then, I lost my rhythm and started finding it difficult to maintain even a jog on my uphill portions. I had to continually push myself to keep going because I'd lost all interest in being out there. The amazing thing was that there was no foot pain and no coughing or wheezing, and my overall posture was better. Today it seemed the weak link were the backs of my thighs; I really need to add in a bike workout.

Accomplishments:

Finished 11 miles for the first time since the Seattle Half-Marathon in December, 2002;

Ran 2 individual miles continuously;

Moved up to 60% running;

Lost four pounds this week, bringing me to my first weight-loss goal of 10% of my beginning body weight.

Scary Discovery:

The sweat pouring off my forehead was rust colored! Hans always wondered why my white T-shirts end up brown.

Motivational Tool to Remember:

When I wanted to quit today, I remembered Dad who babysits three grandchildren even when he's in pain so bad he can barely walk and who, along with Mom, spent all day yesterday with me and Hans looking over the new house and getting the contract started even though what he really needed was to be resting. And then I remembered Mom who works herself to death in the service of everyone else and takes no time and has nothing left for herself.

Maxed Out
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: Marathon
I did my short "run" tonight after missing my Tuesday night session thanks to a lightning storm, and attempted to move up to 60% running (3 min. run, 2 min. walk). Apparently, somewhere between 40% and 60% is the level where running could be considered enjoyable for me. Tonight, no matter how slow I went, the run portions were not fun. I felt like I barely recovered in between them, and after minute 27 I started to feel a sharp pain in my right shin. This wasn't the I've-gotta'-make-it-from-Cedar-Point's-back-gate-to-the-front-gate-in-ten-minutes-or-I'm-gonna'-be-late-for-work usual shin burn to which I've grown accustomed over the past seventeen years, this was more localized and insistent. I ended up walking the last 18 minutes, and the pain has gone away now. It might have been the very high humidity level that made it feel like I couldn't get a full breath tonight. Plus, wearing the heart rate monitor and double-bagging the girls already makes me feel constricted.

It has been an exhausting week, so I'm proud of myself for even getting off the couch. We've been pre-approved for a mortgage and Hans got his job and we've been going non-stop since Sunday trying to take care of details and see every house that meets our needs before we meet with the builder of the larger townhouse in Whitsett on Saturday and actually fork over money to start a contract. Ever since we got the call Monday night saying we'd been approved for the mortgage, neither one of us has slept. We're excited, but we're also nervous. It's not the cost that's getting us, because we'll be owning for what we've been paying in rent, it's the permanence of owning something that is not portable that's hitting us hard. We both have wanderlust and this will be our sixth move in ten years. And now we're doing the grown-up thing and buying a house and getting a second car, and we're both happy about that but still wondering how we got here, because on one level we thought we'd never be able to support this kind of lifestyle and still have a work-life balance that made us happy, and so on another level this is exactly what we've been trying really hard to avoid. Yet it feels really right right now, even if it is keeping us awake and the next two months are going to be insanely crazy and we're going to be broke and going in a million directions at once. Hans was so happy on Tuesday he even said the "B" word even though a baby is one more thing we've recently agreed we're not ready for.

I need to run 11 miles on Sunday, and I think I'm going to spend the first twenty minutes running only two minute intervals before I try to move up to three minute intervals. Hopefully by Sunday I will feel more rested and more interested in actually running!

Greensboro
Mood:  vegas lucky
Now Playing: Concerto for Two Violins
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Hans and I had found a home building company we liked on one of our first scouting trips to Greensboro in search of a new place to live. Yesterday, we drove around to three more of their developments and found two townhouses we are considering buying. One is smaller and right inside the Greensboro city limits and is four miles from where Hans will be working. (In theory, he could take public transportation, but it looks like he would have to take 3 buses and a shuttle to travel those 4 miles!) It has a grassy hill just beyond the back porch with a huge, gorgeous old tree behind that. The house is finished and just waiting for someone to move in. We walked through the model homes, and even though this one is small, it's really all the room we need (except the kitchen which really is too small--no pantry or island and fewer cabinets than we have currently), and it could be decorated to give the illusion of more space.

The other is larger and backs up to a bank of trees surrounding a stream with a nice grassy lawn between the porch and the edge of the woods. This one has a kitchen nearly the size we have currently with both an island and a pantry, a separate dining room, and a fireplace in the "Great Room" which is such a joke when you're talking about a townhouse. It has three bedrooms and two baths upstairs, which is one more of each than we really need, but the master is airy and has a cathedral ceiling. This one, though, is in a small town outside Greensboro and would be about twenty miles from Hans's office, meaning we would have to buy a second car and get a mortgage all at the same time. If we could swing the second car, even with a 30 minute commute to work for Hans, that might be less travel time than if we lived four miles away and Hans took the three buses and a shuttle. Plus, it's on the Chapel Hill/Hillsborough side of Greensboro, so it would cut an hour off my total commute time 4 days a week.

We have to make some calls today and see if either of these options are reasonable....

Ten Miles
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Marathon
I finished ten miles today feeling great! I was up by 5:10 and out by 6:00, but I'm going to try to get out by 5:00 next week because as the heat goes up, so does my heart rate. I started out very slowly on both the walk and run portions, but by minute 35 I was feeling great. I ran 40% today (2 minute run with a 3 minute walking recovery) and my body didn't have any problems at all until mile 9. I had no coughing or wheezing, my heart rate stayed fairly low even on uphill runs, and my left arch, the one that usually gives out first, didn't have a single pain. At mile 8 I started getting chills, but no goosebumps and my heart rate was still recovering quickly, so I took it easy on the last two miles, and didn't have any trouble finishing. By mile 9, though, I started getting pains in the outside of my right arch and it wasn't the kind of pain that said "you can run through this and it will go away." I continued my run intervals through 9.5 miles, then walked the last half mile completely. It was a really great workout for me.

I still have to work on keeping my shoulders loose. I catch myself doing two things: lifting my shoulders in an attempt to make my body hit the ground more lightly (funny, I know) and bowing my head in an attempt to make myself invisible (even funnier). When I was trying to learn good form in Seattle, I worked really hard on my posture, but now that I'm out doing these long, slow runs, psychologically it's easier for me to watch the pavement right in front of my feet and just think about putting one foot in front of the other than it is to keep my head up and my eyes on the horizon that only inches closer. A man passed me today wearing a Race for the Cure T-shirt and he had that head up, confident look that I would like to develop over the next five months.

At the end of mile 7, I was in a downhill run interval and I suddenly remembered one of the female spectators at my last Danskin Triathlon. She ran with me to the top of the last hill before the finish and kept saying that I had great rhythm and that I was almost there and that I was doing great. Just thinking about that made me start crying this morning, which was not good on a whole lot of levels. My heart rate didn't recover during the walk session and hit 179 beats per minute on the next uphill run segment. Had to get rid of that memory in a hurry!!

I will move up to 60% running on the two short runs this week, which will mean 3 minutes running with a two minute walking recovery. After last weekend, I feel like I'm back on track and happy with my progress.

Kid Fix
Mood:  silly
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I have to say, spending a couple hours with three adorable kids under five works even better than a donut! Brendan was very cute today--he told me that bees make honey and butterflies make butter, and he spontaneously said that he loved me and Hans while he was eating a chocolate chip cookie and drinking juice after his nap. And the twins were great today, too. They seem finally to be at a stage where they don't feel the need to cry whenever they see us. I spent a little bit of quiet time with each of them before their naps, and Jordan even fell asleep on my shoulder. That in itself made the afternoon worthwhile.

Reminiscent of Tom and Viv
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Ready to Fly by Richard Marx
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I woke up cranky again today, almost as though it was a chemical imbalance. Now that I think about it, it probably was a chemical imbalance. I had a caffeinated Pepsi at lunch yesterday and have eaten a Weight Watchers lowfat chocolate ice cream sandwich every day this week because they were on sale last weekend. Chocolate+Dairy+Caffeine=Cranky Bitch.

It doesn't help that the sky is still overcast today. What I really want to do is get in the car and burn some fossil fuels, but I told Candy I'd watch the kids this afternoon so she and Al could go to a movie. So after giving Hans hell first thing this morning, I read the two short stories in the June edition of The Sun (both amazing, check them out online here), went to the allergist, and somehow made it home without stopping at the grocery store for a donut, the thing I can be sure will smooth out a bad mood even if it might contribute to a later bad mood. Instead of giving in to the craving, I came home and made myself Tangerine Orange Zinger tea and took the notebook I nearly filled at Mackinac last summer out to the deck to write. For the most part, all healthy behaviors except that I maybe should have waited until I was calmer to talk to Hans. It was stuff that needed saying, but because I said it when I was in a mood, I'm not sure he understands that. I tried to speak in a level tone, and when he asked why I was so pissed off, I said I wasn't pissed off, I was resolute, and he said, "Okay, don't get pissed off telling me you're not pissed off!"

Unfortunately, I was pissed off, and not just at him. John told me he thought my story was sexist, so he and I have been having what he calls a "debate" over gender differences by email all week. I felt like I was being attacked and talked down to and as though the man had completely forgotten everything he knows about me, so yesterday I put a halt to the email debate and said I'd call him last night so we could continue in a manner that would allow me to hear his tone in addition to his words. We had only gotten a few minutes into the conversation when Chaz beeped in on John's phone. Chaz is getting married this summer and John was supposed to perform the ceremony. Because of his recent operation, though, John won't be able to travel to the wedding and is now only doing pre-marital counseling with the couple--something I find a little interesting given the speed with which John recently proposed, married, and divorced his high school sweetheart. Apparently, Chaz and his fiancee were in need last night, so John got off the phone to help them. I was frustrated because I'd stayed up late in order to reach him at home, which causes friction between me and Hans because the dog keeps him awake until I come to bed, and I still hadn't resolved anything with John.

I'm feeling better now, and tomorrow will be better still. I do well on days I have a set agenda, and tomorrow I have an early morning ten mile run and then Hans and I are going to drive to Greensboro to look around some more. There's a builder we want to talk to and we need to look into other apartment options. Tuesday is the day we'll know for sure that we're moving, and the mad dash will begin in earnest.

Seattle Spit
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: So Long Farewell Goodbye by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Topic: Marathon
I did my 45 minute run/walk in a true Seattle spit tonight, and it was awesome. As much as the gloom and drizzle of the Pacific Northwest depressed me and made me tired, it was definitely good for workouts. Finding those same conditions here in North Carolina tonight was a real blessing. The slugs and frogs were out, and I felt right at home. In contrast to the last couple runs, by minute 20 I was feeling really strong and into it. I pushed the run portions just a little faster than normal on the second 20 minutes and finished feeling great. Not a single cough tonight, no wheezing, and my feet feel fine. Nice way to end an otherwise frustrating day and turn the energy around.

Technical Difficulties
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I could swear Mercury were retrograde with all the technical problems I'm having with Sudie's computer and fax/printer! Just when I get one problem fixed, I discover another one. Today I discovered that after taking the computer in to be cleaned, defragged, backed up, and de-spywared, I can no longer open QuickBooks. Kind of important for a small business to be able to open QuickBooks. So, after lunch, I get to call the computer tech back and dive into this problem.

I have checked my horoscope for the month and there is no mention of Mercury. All it says is that after two years of hard work and little play, this is finally my month for romance and travel, and that I will find more leisure time and meet many new people. Sounds great, but it doesn't sound like my life. Romance of the old, married couple sort might be a possibility for another week or so, but if Hans goes to Seattle at the end of the month, even that would be difficult. And as far as travel goes, I see myself running lots of errands for Sudie and trying to find a place to live in Greensboro. The only two potentially dark spots in the horoscope are that one of the new men I might meet won't be truthful with me and that one of my co-workers may have it in for me. Like I said, doesn't sound like my life.

I thanked the deities of technology this morning for helping me figure out how to get the computer to recognize the new printer and share the phone line with the fax, but maybe they thought I still took too much credit for myself and are slapping me around to keep me from getting a swelled head.

The "Reviews" Are In
Mood:  lucky
Topic: Writing
I heard back from Scott yesterday about the story--he said I could send him "hot stuff like that" any time and that he liked the pacing. It's not his favorite thing I've written, however.

I heard from John today and he says he enjoyed the story, but doesn't appreciate the sexist attitude it takes. He thinks the man would know the stakes right from the start but would likely still take the risk because he would feel there would only be minimal consequences to his actions even if he got caught.

And, I think the response I got from Rich was also a thumbs up, so I'm a very happy girl. It's amazing how much good vibe I can milk out of finishing one very small story!

Finishing one, though, has given me so much joy that I am antsy to write more. I got that one endorphin hit and now I'll go back and press the bar no matter how many electric shocks I have to endure just to get my next hit. In January, right after I started working for Sudie, I wrote a one page beginning of another relationship story. I typed that up tonight and wrote another half page just to keep the energy rolling forward. It's too early to tell with this one, but I have a faint notion of where it's going. It might be difficult, though, because I think this story is going to force me to be a girl, or at least write like one, and I'm not always the best at that. Especially because the story will require viewpoints from multiple girls. It could come across as a really bad imitation of Sex and the City which I watched a little of in the first season--enough to know I'm not cool enough to write that kind of dialogue. But, again, it's an exercise and it's outside of my present comfort zone, so it's all good.

One of these days, I will write something other than a story about a relationship, but for now, I can't seem to help it. This is only the third (or fourth depending on whether or not I do any more work developing that outside-the-hotel-room-door scene) story in a row I've written dealing with relationships, so it's not an alarming trend, but there is this nagging "should" that says I should be writing something grander. That I need to get serious about nature writing or environmental reporting or something more life and death than whether or not one marriage survives. Still, I'm writing about whether one marriage survives, and I'll just have to keep writing about that until I've looked at it from enough angles that it's, at least temporarily, resolved for me and I find energy elsewhere.

It's all part of the puzzle I'm trying to figure out about what it means to be an independent, self-actualized woman, and what are the acceptable rules of conduct, and whether I want to follow the acceptable rules. My feelings for the last ten years are that I probably don't want to follow the acceptable rules, so then there is this constant feeling my way along the edge to decide just what is right for me and how far out from the "norm" I can go and still be okay. And then there's the constant reevaluation of what I can use as an appropriate measure of success for myself when I seem to be all the wrong sizes for society's usual yardsticks. All very self-centered, I know. But it's what interests me, and therefore what drives the writing. No way to know yet whether anyone else will care, but for now, I'm using the writing muscles and they feel good.