Home Sweet Home!
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Daily Eruptions
They actually let us--two Peter Pan, creative type, perpetual wanderers--buy a house! I am amazed. It all happened so fast and there were no surprises, except that it was so easy and that everyone was so helpful and encouraging! The place looks great, and it's ours! So we now live in Whitsett, North Carolina--population 700 + 2 (and 1 American Hairless Terrier)!

I'm taking Hans to the airport in the morning and will be on my own for nine days to try to get some things moved and organized and packed up. I'm taking tomorrow off from work to start painting the new kitchen (I'm carrying my ocean sunset theme over to the new house) and to accept delivery of the new bed we bought today, then I have to get my act together and get this place packed up. I'll probably spend the holiday weekend painting, too, and I may be able to get Dad to help me get started tiling around Hans's shower. There is so much I want to do and even more that I have to do!

Oh, and today we discovered the best part--four miles down the road in Burlington is a movie theater (a major necessity) and the best pizza on the planet--Sir Pizza! I was eating Sir Pizza while I was still in the womb, and I have missed it ever since I moved away from Battle Creek! Now I just have to try to forget it's there....

Peace and Love and Many, Many Thanks!!!!

Lucky Thirteen
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Marathon
I managed to walk/run thirteen miles for only the third time ever tonight. Hans and I took Brendan to see Madagascar yesterday and to Spinners for dinner, and then he got to have his first sleepover at our house--we figured if we were going to get that in, it would be easier when he lives two minutes away than when he lives 90 minutes away, so we wanted to have him over before we moved. I knew that by the time he woke up and I made him breakfast and took him to the pool, it would be impossible for me to get in my morning run, so I planned to run this evening. The heat made it difficult, and I admit, I walked more than I ran, but I got the mileage in. On weeks where I'm increasing distance I figure the emphasis is on musculoskeletal adaptation anyway, so if I can still walk and I'm not having an asthma attack at the end of a long run, I'm pretty happy. Tonight I got in a very long workout at a fat-burning heart rate and I feel the way I did after the first day of my three-day stationary cycling fundraiser at the movie theatre in Lynnwood--wouldn't it be nice if I could somehow manage to drop 10 pounds tonight the way I did that weekend? (The hard part is realizing that in the time I spent walking/running 13 miles, I could have done 60 or 70 miles on the bike!)

The other great thing about tonight is that I got through the mental barrier of doing 13 miles. I felt so awful after the half-marathon in 2002, I was actually scared to try another 13 tonight. Because I didn't push the running this time, I didn't have an asthma attack and I think I'll be able to move pretty well tomorrow.

What is becoming clear to me, though, is that my time is not going to suddenly improve. Maybe if I had lost fifty pounds before I started training instead of trying to do it while I'm training, I might have been able to shave several minutes off my mile. But I think that realistically now I'm looking at seconds and not minutes. At this point, a sub 6 hour time would be a miracle, and I should probably be happy if I finish in less than 8. I was living in D.C. the year Oprah turned 40 and ran the Marine Corp Marathon in 4:39. Maybe if I do the marathon every year until I'm forty, and take an hour off my time each year, I might be able to match her time when I'm 40. Sure would be nice to have Bob Greene to drag me out of bed every morning and force me to run and have Rosie cooking all my meals.... I'm pretty sure I really need a coach pushing me to see any real increases in speed. The thing about Oprah's experience is that, yes, she turned in an excellent time for a first marathon and looked fantastically fit, but she hated it so much she says she will never do another marathon. I want to finish my first one looking forward to my next one. If this experience totally sucks, I will probably never attempt Ironman, and I want to be strong enough to finish Ironman.

I've promised myself that my reward for finishing this marathon is a dance class. I miss moving my body to music! I've let my weight keep me from really enjoying and inhabiting my body, and I've decided it's time for that to end. Besides, when you are training for endurance events, it's a good idea to take some time off from your sport(s) in the winter and engage in a different mode of fitness. I'm trying to decide between a salsa, hip hop, or jazz class. Jazz will always be there and feels kind of outdated. Hip hop might be awful because none of those moves are intuitive to me. Salsa may be just what I need--especially if it means I also get to buy a hot, red dress and wear high heels and feel like a girl. I miss feeling like a girl.... Although, today, I had a little pink on my cheeks and on the tip of my nose and gold streaks from the sun in my hair and my eyes were sparkly and I felt like the outdoorsy, summer girl was coming back. The outdoorsy, summer girl is good!

Summer Solstice (NOT for the shy or squeamish)
Mood:  lucky
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I celebrated the solstice by starting my period again!! Only a week has passed since the last one, and I have to say, I'm a little freaked out. Hans has tried to make me feel better by insisting that it has to be the stress of everything we're doing to make the closing happen on Monday and getting ready for the move and buying a new car, etc., but that doesn't really make me worry less that it means I'm perimenopausal. What my body needs to understand is that just because I started my period at eleven and so have had twenty-five childbearing years, I am not ready at thirty-six to give up the possibility of having a child. Afterall, I was unmarried for eighteen of those twenty-five years. This is exactly what Oprah tried to scare me with three years ago (because you know she knows exactly which three shows I'm going to watch each year and she targets them directly to me), but I'm not buying it. I refuse to believe that the Universe would let me spend most of my childbearing years terrified that my body would do exactly what it was designed to do--attract men and produce babies--only to take away the ability to actually have a child just at the point where I might be getting to a place emotionally and financially where I am ready for one, and where I have a partner who is also nearly ready for one. My body needs to give me one more year to get the weight and asthma under control and figure out what's going on with my liver--end of story.

The Universe balanced out my world, though, by giving North Carolina an absolutely gorgeous day for the solstice. The humidity mysteriously left the air late last week and hasn't come back! It's amazing. I was able to run in the evening, which I definitely prefer over running in the morning. I only went out for forty minutes, and Hans and Kaija did the first .8 of a mile with me. Kaija thinks it's a game--she and Hans leave for a walk while I'm getting dressed, and then somehow the two of them run into me while I'm out on the run, and she gets all excited to have found me. I think she thinks it's odd to see me "running," because when we go out for walks she has to slow down her normal trot in order for me to keep up, just as Hans has to slow down his normal walk. On run nights, though, she and Hans are able to walk (Hans) and trot (Kaija) at their normal speed and have me keep up. This makes Kaija happy dance a lot, and it's fun to have the company now that Hans has stopped making jokes about my stubby legs (his hips are nearly at my shoulders!) and asking "When are we actually gonna' run?"

The weather was so nice that I was able to eat lunch outside in Sudie's garden. Ecco sat at my feet because now that they're renovating the studio she wants nothing to do with that end of the property, and I sat in this huge metal chair that looks like it's made of tree branches and reeds hidden in the formal garden in front of the house. I love this chair because I can sit cross-legged in it and feel small. When I first started working here in January, I was very aware of the trees--everything seemed green even in the winter. But now that it's summer, I see that there are a ton of deciduous trees on the property, too, and the sunlight coming through the leaves and trunks reminds me of Michigan's U.P. What I really want to do is sit outside in that oversized hidden chair and write poetry all day. Guess that will have to wait! Maybe next week I can sit out there to do my writing for the divination project since I write longhand.

In any event, I am receiving blessings from every direction and I think it's going to be an amazing summer.

The Hardest Part of My Day is Over
Mood:  happy
Topic: Marathon
I decided when I signed up for this marathon that it was important that I do overdistance training so that I could be sure I could do the race miles and still be able to move afterward. So I've been attempting to follow Jeff Galloway's training schedule for people who want to finish in 4:40 without adhering to the speed component. That is, I've been doing the same distances but not worrying about doing all the short races that he suggests for people with a time goal. This seems to be working out alright, and since I'm now at the place where I'm moving from mileages of ten miles or fewer into mileages that are of longer distances than I've done before, I gave myself until this weekend to make a final decision whether I will continue following this course or step down to the Beginner program. I'm going to continue, which means I should do the race distance once before the race and then a 28-miler before I start tapering. I think I will need this little confidence boost on race day, and as long as I take it easy--as I have been--I think it should work for me.

Today was an 8 mile run before next week's thirteen-miler. It was very smooth and I didn't have any problems with my feet, legs or lungs. The barriers today were all mental. I don't mind distance, but I hate having to put out all the effort for speed! I realized at one point today during a run segment that my arms were barely moving, so after that I concentrated each time I started a run segment on pumping my arms in order to make my legs work harder.

I have to get serious about getting up in time for early morning runs during the week. Those are my times to work on speed, and I've been short-changing them. And I will get on the bike, probably on my indoor trainer, at least one day this week. I think cross-training would improve my overall fitness. I need to reread the information I got at triathlon camp, too, on training with a heart rate monitor. If I were more rigorous about using that tool, I think my fitness would be increasing a lot more quickly.

I'm going to give myself one more full week (including next Sunday's long run) at 60% running before moving up to 4 minute run segments with a 1 minute walking recovery. Once I move up to that amount of running, I will play around with running 8 minutes with a 2 minute walk break to see whether running in longer stretches is easier mentally (it's hard to start running again once I've stopped). That might be the extent of the increases in overall running that I do, though. There's a chance I'll move up to a 9 minute run with a 1 minute walk, but I doubt it. From there, I'll need to focus on consistency, form, and whatever I'm calling speed.

New Dream Writers Retreat
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Writing
Since I'm going to be broke for the next several months, it is completely unrealistic to think I would have money to go on the Pam Houston writing retreat on the Green River about which I've already written, and now I've found another retreat, which falls right around the same time, that is even grander that has also captured my imagination. Francis Ford Coppola is the publisher of a magazine called Zoetrope: All-Story ($6.95 an issue, available at Barnes & Noble in the Literary magazine section) and now he has the Zoetrope: All Story Short Story Writers' Workshop for which I found a listing in the July/August edition of Poets & Writers. The workshop is led by Charles D'Ambrosio and George Saunders, but the real draw for me comes from the location: "Come to Francis Ford Coppola's beautiful Blancaneaux Lodge in Belize...four-star meals, luxurious bungalow accommodations, and trips to the Mayan ruins at Caracol, the Rainforest Medicine Trails, and the Rio On Pools." Don't know any writers who can actually afford such a writing vacation, but damn it sounds amazing! I want to get to Belize before Belize stops being Belize and becomes just another tourist vacation spot. Am I already too late?

Inspiration on a Schedule
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: Writing
For the last two days, things have been quieter with the whole house buying process (we're planning to have a walk-through with the builder next Wednesday, and then we'll close the following Monday), so I've been feeling the urge to write again. On Tuesday night I took a look at the new short story I'm working on (working title "Dressing for Tom Cruise") and made a few changes and then thought I'd pick up the writing again last night. Instead, I ended up going to the pool with Candy's family and Hans needed the computer for car shopping, so no new writing got done. Hans will probably need the computer every night from now until he leaves for Seattle, so I decided that if I am going to write, I need to be able to do it longhand, which I kind of enjoy anyway. And rather than reading during my lunch break, I decided I would try writing in my notebook, starting today.

Where I left off in the story on Tuesday, the main character has just declared that she's tired of feeling like her husband is little more than a roommate. So today I was trying to figure out the next line of dialogue, but instead, I saw a completely different scene! The main character isn't with the woman I first envisioned at all, but with a group of women ranging in age from 25 to 65, and not in the stuffy L.A. restaurant that includes California pizza on the menu even though it has white linen tablecloths and napkins on all the tables, but having beers and the cheese sampler and chips and guacamole at the Redhook Ale Brewery in Woodinville, Washington. They're not getting together for a my-eating-disorder-is-more-under-control-than-yours-is L.A. lunch, but are wearing lycra and spandex over their variously sized bodies because they just finished an evening bike ride on the Burke-Gilman. This changes everything!

On a practical level, it means rewriting every word from the beginning of the story, but that's okay because the writing was coming slowly and I was spending a lot of time on details of the moment, not because I was trying to pace and place the story so much as because I couldn't figure out what the story really was. Now I can feel the moment and it has energy and I know the writing will flow, at least for awhile. So this in itself is exciting.

But, really, the reason I am so excited by this is because it signals a shift in the way I am able to think about my writing, or at least about short fiction. The short stories I've written in the past didn't feel like they could have been set in another place or been peopled with different characters. Once I had the idea, there seemed to be only one way to write it and I either succeeded or failed in my attempt to bring it to fruition. When "Infinity" came to me, it literally came to me as if I were taking dictation. My dad was having a major surgery the next day and I was alone in L.A. and didn't want to go to sleep until I knew he was actually in pre-op and surrounded by the nurses and doctors who would help him, so I decided to stay up all night and write. A conscious decision to engage in the act of writing with absolutely no idea what I was going to write about. And the first two lines came to me and then the whole rest of the story. I turned it in to Shelley Lowenkopf the very next day and he asked for one change that I was able to make because the line really didn't pay off, but I couldn't make any others no matter who requested them. The story felt sacred somehow and if I altered it, it would be ruined forever. So now, to be able to consider alternate ways of telling the story, to let go of the pages I've already written in order to let the story find its truest form, is new and empowering. Hopefully, it means I'm gaining some perspective and maturity.

and I Feel Fiiine
Mood:  happy
Topic: Marathon
I got my morning workout in--just barely. I woke up at 5:00 feeling like the back of my throat had been scraped and every bit as exhausted as I felt last night. Hans said I had woken the dog with my snoring in the middle of the night and she had barked at me, so I guess snoring could account for the throat thing and the exhaustion. In any event, I didn't actually drag myself out of bed until 6:00, and Kaija did everything she could to keep me from getting up even then. I went out for only 22 minutes with no warm-up, and felt okay, but there was no joy in it, despite the gorgeous "vanilla sky" sunrise. By the time we were in the car and driving to Durham, my body ached from my neck down and I was feeling fat and lethargic and deflated.

Just as I was hitting Hillsborough, though, I turned on the radio. Unfortunately, I seem to have burned myself out on NPR recently. I can't stand to hear the news even if it is broken up with cool essays and stories. So I turned it to The River and heard 4 or 5 good songs, and then they played the song Hans and I used as our wedding recessional, "It's the End of the World as We Know it (and I Feel Fine)" by REM. That's all it took! I've been BOUNCING ever since! It's amazing what one great song can do.

Plus remembering the wedding got me thinking about me and Hans. He and I definitely have our difficulties--we're two very opinionated people with strong, stubborn personalities--but our being together has a purpose. Aside from the more obvious reasons we're together, we're also a great team, and we have a lot to learn from each other, as well as from the experience of being stuck with each other. The next couple of weeks are going to be trying, but the man and I survived living two months in a tent together, so I'm sure we'll survive this, too. And our lives will have a cool, different shape when we come out on the other side.

Wired
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Marathon
Just figured out Jeff Galloway didn't mean three 4x1 mile sets for last weekend's long run--he meant three or four 1 mile intervals.... Glad I didn't really try to do the workout the way I understood it! I still think I overdid last weekend, and I think not eating breakfast beforehand hurt me. From now on I'll have to be sure to eat something before I go out on long runs. Peanut butter is too high in fat to technically qualify for my diet, but I bought some reduced fat stuff and if I eat only half a tablespoon, I'm only looking at three grams of fat. A PB&J sandwich would be easy and quick, and get a little protein into my system.

I waited until 9:00 tonight to go out and attempt my short run because the temperature was in the nineties today and I think the humidity must have been, too. There's just no air in the air in the south! I had the same problem I had last week of not feeling like I was getting enough oxygen even on a long, deep inhale. I ended up walking and, for the rest of the summer, I just have to accept that my workouts have to happen in the morning. Provided I can get out of bed at 5:00 and be out the door by 5:15, a morning run is doable, but I am not a morning person.

Now that the adrenaline rush of moving and buying a house is starting to fade, I'm starting to get the urge to write again. It's going to be a tough balance trying to fit in workouts, writing sessions, and packing, but I feel like I've been making steps in all the right directions over the last couple weeks. The solstice is next week; I'll have to spend some time thinking about a small ritual I can do to help cement any new good behaviors and weed out any lingering bad ones. It's a full moon, which is a time for bringing things to fruition rather than starting new projects, so it might be good timing depending on how I think about my progress.

It's after eleven and I should be sleeping...wish I felt sleepy.

Today IT Wasn't In Me
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Marathon
Why am I doing a marathon?? I asked myself that question once this morning while I was out trying to finish eleven miles, and luckily I heard myself say it, and I answered it immediately with ten reasons. My favorite was, "Because I can." Still, the run was awful.

The alarm went off at 5:10 a.m., but my neck was stiff and I'm having my period so my lower back hurt, and I didn't relish the idea of running around the neighborhood with my socks filling up with blood. (When I first started long distance cycling, I asked Mary, a former professional triathlete, how women dealt with their period in sports where blisters caused by friction were an issue, and her response was, "You wear a tampon and get used to seeing your own blood. You're an athlete." Somehow, I don't think my neighbors would quite see it that way.) I considered skipping the run altogether, but then I reminded myself that stress could easily change the date of my cycle, and there was every possibility that I would also be having my period on the day of the marathon. I have promised myself that I will train for every circumstance.... Somehow I finally dragged myself out of bed at 6:00, still feeling exhausted from the week I've had. I had to invoke the 5-Minute Promise I used to use to get myself to the pool--I have to dress and begin my workout, and if 5 minutes into it, I really want to quit, I am allowed to do that. I have only actually quit one time that I can recall.

I did a few sun salutations to stretch out my neck and hips, and I was out the door by 6:15 because I didn't bother with breakfast. My goal was to do 11 miles any way I could, but the Jeff Galloway 4:40 time goal people (NOT me) were supposed to do 3-4x1 miles (11 miles total) this weekend, and since I haven't done any continuous running miles yet (I have been doing only timed intervals), I thought I'd see if I could crank out even one 4x1 mile set.

I walked a half-mile to warm up, then set out at the slowest jog possible, and was amazed to find that I could finish a mile without walking. So then I walked a tenth of a mile and jogged another mile. They were incredibly slow miles, but I proved to myself that I can do them. By the time I'd finished two, the dogs in the townhouses on the half-mile loop I was running were beginning to wake up and bark at me, so I decided to spread the aggravation I caused over a larger area, and went back to running intervals.

Until the end of mile seven, the 60% intervals (3 minute run, 2 minute walk) that were so difficult on Thursday were now easy. Then, I lost my rhythm and started finding it difficult to maintain even a jog on my uphill portions. I had to continually push myself to keep going because I'd lost all interest in being out there. The amazing thing was that there was no foot pain and no coughing or wheezing, and my overall posture was better. Today it seemed the weak link were the backs of my thighs; I really need to add in a bike workout.

Accomplishments:

Finished 11 miles for the first time since the Seattle Half-Marathon in December, 2002;

Ran 2 individual miles continuously;

Moved up to 60% running;

Lost four pounds this week, bringing me to my first weight-loss goal of 10% of my beginning body weight.

Scary Discovery:

The sweat pouring off my forehead was rust colored! Hans always wondered why my white T-shirts end up brown.

Motivational Tool to Remember:

When I wanted to quit today, I remembered Dad who babysits three grandchildren even when he's in pain so bad he can barely walk and who, along with Mom, spent all day yesterday with me and Hans looking over the new house and getting the contract started even though what he really needed was to be resting. And then I remembered Mom who works herself to death in the service of everyone else and takes no time and has nothing left for herself.

Maxed Out
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: Marathon
I did my short "run" tonight after missing my Tuesday night session thanks to a lightning storm, and attempted to move up to 60% running (3 min. run, 2 min. walk). Apparently, somewhere between 40% and 60% is the level where running could be considered enjoyable for me. Tonight, no matter how slow I went, the run portions were not fun. I felt like I barely recovered in between them, and after minute 27 I started to feel a sharp pain in my right shin. This wasn't the I've-gotta'-make-it-from-Cedar-Point's-back-gate-to-the-front-gate-in-ten-minutes-or-I'm-gonna'-be-late-for-work usual shin burn to which I've grown accustomed over the past seventeen years, this was more localized and insistent. I ended up walking the last 18 minutes, and the pain has gone away now. It might have been the very high humidity level that made it feel like I couldn't get a full breath tonight. Plus, wearing the heart rate monitor and double-bagging the girls already makes me feel constricted.

It has been an exhausting week, so I'm proud of myself for even getting off the couch. We've been pre-approved for a mortgage and Hans got his job and we've been going non-stop since Sunday trying to take care of details and see every house that meets our needs before we meet with the builder of the larger townhouse in Whitsett on Saturday and actually fork over money to start a contract. Ever since we got the call Monday night saying we'd been approved for the mortgage, neither one of us has slept. We're excited, but we're also nervous. It's not the cost that's getting us, because we'll be owning for what we've been paying in rent, it's the permanence of owning something that is not portable that's hitting us hard. We both have wanderlust and this will be our sixth move in ten years. And now we're doing the grown-up thing and buying a house and getting a second car, and we're both happy about that but still wondering how we got here, because on one level we thought we'd never be able to support this kind of lifestyle and still have a work-life balance that made us happy, and so on another level this is exactly what we've been trying really hard to avoid. Yet it feels really right right now, even if it is keeping us awake and the next two months are going to be insanely crazy and we're going to be broke and going in a million directions at once. Hans was so happy on Tuesday he even said the "B" word even though a baby is one more thing we've recently agreed we're not ready for.

I need to run 11 miles on Sunday, and I think I'm going to spend the first twenty minutes running only two minute intervals before I try to move up to three minute intervals. Hopefully by Sunday I will feel more rested and more interested in actually running!