Another Name for Valentine's Day?
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I don't know another name for it, so I'll just say "Happy Valentine's Day!" Mine won't be that exciting because Hans works tonight (and every night) and I'm sick with my first cold in 14 months. (That might be a record for me - I'm usually sick with a cold that becomes a lung infection at least once a year.) There was a Valentine's card waiting for me in the kitchen when I woke up this morning, and we're planning on celebrating this weekend when we celebrate the eighth anniversary of our marriage (yesterday) and my birthday (tomorrow). And this year we have something to celebrate because we are doing really great. I can't say that it's the counseling that's helping - because those sessions are nothing earth shattering - but maybe it's that we're in counseling and therefore paying better attention to each other. I think that's the key, actually. There has been very little true effort required to get us back to this good place, so I think it really has been about just taking a few minutes each day to check in with each other. I told Hans in August that I wanted to be in the marriage of my dreams by next August or else I wanted to be on my own. It only took six months to get our relationship here, and not the twelve I anticipated! By August we will be unstoppable.

Sorry to Say Goodbye to Michelle
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I was really sad and disappointed for Michelle Kwan this morning when I heard she had withdrawn from Olympic competition due to a reinjury to her groin muscle. In the interviews I've seen of her recently, she has seemed so poised and full of spirit. Really relaxed and happy and sure of herself, if not of her body. The world and I will miss seeing her skate.

In Trouble Now
I'm in trouble now - I just discovered that BlogExplosion, the site I use to promote my blog, has made an electronic version of Sudoku available. I have been wanting to try the game ever since I saw it profiled on Sunday Morning on CBS. Now the OCD monster has a new toy!! Ever since I got the new Mac, I have been really great about avoiding computer games. The games I used to love playing on MSN.com don't work with OS X, which has been a blessing because I will get hooked into a game and play over and over for hours. Sudoku looks like it could be my new obsession...really, really not good. Like I need one more thing to prove to me that I have no self-control!

Dichotomy or Parallel Tracks?
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Better Days by the Goo Goo Dolls
Topic: Writing
My work life has been rockin' lately! The dual language children's book we published in August is starting to get some press attention now that we are introducing it into second grade classrooms as part of a pilot program to test its effectiveness in teaching Spanish. We've received coverage by two local papers and are talking with a local t.v. news station about covering one of Sudie's school programs later this month. Plus, we're bringing the book to three new schools in the next two weeks and have been contacted by a bilingual book program at one of the nearby libraries and have received an invitation to do a reading at a local independent bookstore. On top of that, I've been helping Sudie think about ways to expand her workshop offerings so now she's even considering participating in the Artists in the Schools program in Wake County. We're doing lots of new things, which means I'm learning some new things - like how to independently publish a book in two languages when I only speak one - but mostly I'm learning that I can do this. I'm using my teaching experience to help Sudie figure out ways to use the book as part of a curriculum and to write outlines for the programs she gives. I'm using my writing and marketing skills as her press agent. I'm getting better at what I do, she's getting better at what she does, and we're on a really great roll. It's nice to see actual results for my work, and lately I've been leaving every afternoon feeling that I've been effective. "Effective" is a very good feeling!

Unfortunately, I'm lagging behind in my personal creativity. I'm bursting with ideas, and thankfully, I've started keeping an idea journal that travels with me everywhere I go so the ideas aren't being lost. On several occasions in the last two weeks I've sat in my car for a few minutes after driving home because I've had an idea that I just had to get down and I was worried I'd lose it if I waited to write it until I got inside the house. And I had a really great conversation last week with the publisher of a local healthy living magazine, although she didn't immediately grasp my point that if I can write articles and fundraising scripts about sensitive environmental topics for a diverse audience without alienating conservatives then I can probably also write articles about healthy living - i.e. holistics - without alienating conservatives. The problem is that I haven't followed that conversation up yet with any clips - I don't have anything that's going to scream "perfect candidate," even though I'm only looking for editing work from her and not writing assignments. I'll probably end up sending her work about air cargo since that magazine was a monthly and my name appears as an editor on the masthead. So, some forward movement but not necessarily great follow-up.

I've also started collecting assignments for myself, deadlines for competitions or themed journal editions, with the idea that I'd like to have six viable assignments at any given time. The writer in me doesn't have to complete those assignments, but the business manager in me has to generate them. The hope is that if the assignments are there, the writer will be inspired to follow through.

I have been mentally writing one of the essay assignments in my head all week. Tonight I sat down to actually begin typing it up, but before I did, I went to the website for the journal that had put out the call for submissions - a theme issue on Travel & Enlightenment. Perfect for me, right? I had read an advertisement for the call in the last two issues of my favorite writers magazine and I had committed the deadline to memory. It turns out, however, that the deadline I've been carrying in my head is not the deadline that's posted on the journal's website, and, you guessed it, the deadline was last week and not next week.

Bummer, bummer, bummer. My first response was to get angry at myself for procrastinating about the piece in the first place, and then to get angry at myself for not double-checking the ad against the journal's website as soon as I decided I wanted to write this essay. But then I decided I can either let it go and not write the essay since my target market won't read it now, or I can write the damn thing anyway because it turns out it's a pivotal piece that fits perfectly in with the idea for my next book and is material that I will need to process in one form or another sooner or later. So I'm going to finish writing it now and figure out where to send it when it's done. (And, I'm going to write to the editor of the journal to see if they know about the misprinting of the deadline in the writers' mag and if there is any possibility of a deadline extension....)

The cool thing is that my home office has really come together this week to the point where I felt I could take tonight off from organizing and the ongoing filing project. As I was driving home from work I was saying to myself, "I get to write tonight!" Writing actually felt like a reward! Way cool, because a lot of times, writing feels like exercise. Once I'm moving, I'm in the zone and probably loving it, even if it's torture. But getting started is difficult every single time.

I think what I need to keep in mind is that I have made a commitment to myself to have a creative life and that I might be off to a slower start than I imagined - so what else is new? - but that I am moving forward. My therapist from last summer wanted me to learn to see my life as a continuation of events, rather than as the series of starts and stops I presented it as. So this is an exercise in visualizing the river as continually flowing, even if it dives underground in places

Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking
Topic: Books
I started reading the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell over the weekend. It's a fascinating, fun, fast read that I just can't seem to put down once I've allowed myself to pick it up. It's about rapid cognition - the unconscious thinking that goes on in the first two seconds when a person is introduced to something new, such as an idea, a person, or a piece of art - and about when that unconscious thinking is valuable and when it might be leading us in the wrong direction.

The first thing that surprised me about it is that, among many other things, it discusses speed-dating and marriage. I spent most of Saturday night wondering if Hans was my Getty Museum kouros - something I immediately thought was not right (for me), but that I convinced myself was right (in spite of evidence that my first instinct might have been correct), and most of Sunday convinced that John Gottman's Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling had consumed my marriage and that Hans and I were inevitably spiraling toward divorce. (Unfortunately, the fear that this was true actually made me that much more unpleasant to be around, and, whenever I wasn't reading, I was making it difficult for Hans to like me. I can be such a joy!) At this point you're wondering why I would call a book that tolls the bell for my marriage fun and fascinating, I'm sure.

With a little distance, I realized that if John Gottman could tell whether a couple was headed for divorce within three minutes of listening to them discuss a contentious aspect of their marriage, he probably had also found ways to help people change the course they were on. And, in fact, this is true. Not only does Dr. Gottman have two books written on the subject - both of which I have ordered as my gift to me and Hans for our marriage anniversary next week - but he also has video tapes and weekend seminars in Seattle that we can avail ourselves of if the books don't help. And still a little more distance helped me realize that Hans and I are already working on repairing our relationship and that my suddenly seeing us through Gottman's paradigm didn't make that any less true. So I've relaxed a little about all of that, and am just enjoying the book. I have one chapter left and I'm trying to use the privilege of reading that as my reward for getting my new filing cabinet installed in my home office and getting the boxes of papers I've been collecting finally filed. I don't get to turn on the t.v. tonight (which means no Gilmore Girls) or pick up the book until after every piece of paper is filed. (Which probably means I also won't get to pick up the book or turn on the t.v. tomorrow night either!)

The book has made me want to try some personal experiments with priming and with environmental manipulation as a means of influencing behavior and productivity. Plus, it has made me reconsider my feelings about being judged by other people and whether I might actually want to put more effort into making a good first impression in all aspects of my life, and not just my professional life. (I can't say that's going to happen, just that I'm thinking about it. As a person struggling to learn to live by internal motivation rather than external, I might want to hold onto my ability to go out of the house with no make up and wet hair without concern for what anyone else is going to think.)

Gladwell is an excellent writer - even though he does give his reader a little too much credit for being able to keep all of his various researchers and experts and characters straight - and I'm thinking that now I will have to check out his first book, The Tipping Point, as well, especially since its subject - the conditions under which social change occurs - is so close to my heart.

Back to Being Single
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: Daily Eruptions
So we went back to Hans working nights as of yesterday. Ugh. Hans said I could think of myself as single Monday through Friday if I want, but that I can't date. He takes all the fun out of everything!

Happy Candlemas!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Happy Candlemas - the midpoint of winter! Hearing that Punxsutawny Phil saw his shadow doesn't disturb me quite as much this year as it has in years past - maybe because I live in North Carolina now and not Michigan? Plus the days have been flying by, so I know spring will be here in another blink. Time certainly does move differently when I'm working outside of my house forty hours per week, rather than working from home.

We found out this week that now that Hans's call center hours have been extended, he will be stuck on the closing shift every day until they hire more supervisory staff. When those people are hired, Hans better move into a day shift, because when he works nights I don't see him except on weekends. I'm asleep when he gets home, and he's asleep when I leave in the morning. It really sucks. He didn't open this call center, when no one from the company in Seattle would move here to take the job, to receive this kind of treatment. (It's more than just the scheduling that's making me feel he's not being treated well....) So I guess this means that for the next several weeks or months my off-time during the week is entirely my own, and if I don't achieve the things I set out to, I have no one to blame but myself. And maybe only seeing Hans on weekends will make the relationship feel more like it did when we were dating.... (This is me trying to see the silver lining, in case you missed that.)

I had several more ideas for things I want to write after talking to the publisher of a local healthy living magazine yesterday, and at least knowing what Hans's schedule is and knowing that it isn't going to change in the foreseeable future makes it easier for me to plan writing time into my week.

I'll try to post here more often, too. Maybe my own thoughts just don't interest me as much as they did a few months ago?

Ignore this post...just me taking the lame way out
Technorati Profile

Animals in the News
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Here are a couple of headlines from today's news that you may have missed:

Whale Swims Through Downtown London

and

Hamster, Snake Best Friends at Tokyo Zoo

I just wish I knew what happened to the whale.... Where's Paul Harvey with The Rest of the Story?

And here's a link to my new favorite story - I learned about this through an email at Thanksgiving, but didn't know where to find the story online until now: Companions in Kenya

Living an Internal Life and What the Bleep?
Topic: Movies
It appears I'm back to living more of an internal life. When I have ideas for things I want to write, I can't write about them here because that drains them of their energy and I never write them for real anywhere else. And now that I'm doing the whole internal motivation thing when it comes to eating, exercise, writing, starting my own business, and living closer to my principles, I can't really discuss those things here either because then they lose their "internalness" and become things I see as externally motivated. I can't really even talk about what's going on with me and Hans now that we're in counseling together because it feels like a betrayal of his trust. So until the things and changes I'm creating become truly manifest in the world, I guess I'm pretty limited in what I can write about here.

But, I can recommend seeing the movie What the Bleep Do We Know?! It's on DVD and also playing on cable movie channels, and I guarantee you it's worth two hours of your life. The movie is about Quantum Physics, although you hardly recognize that because it is presented in a very accessible and interesting way, and spirituality, and personal choice. If you've seen the movie Mindwalk, based on the book The Turning Point by Fritjof Capra, you will love What the Bleep! You can learn more about the movie, either before or after you see it, at www.whatthebleep.com. There's also a book out if you want to know more, and in February What the Bleep Do We Know: Down the Rabbit Hole hits theaters, although in pretty limited release. It looks like I may have to see it in California when we visit Hans's family unless I want to wait months for it to come to sleepy little North Carolina.