Enlightenment, Take Two (7:00 p.m.)
Mood:  loud
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I thought more today about the article by Sally Kempton, a.k.a. Durgananda, www.sallykempton.com, in Yoga Journal (www.yogajournal.com). Today was Thursday, which in North Carolina is the equivalent of TGIF everywhere else because everyone in North Carolina--regardless of income level, it seems--has a beach house, a lake house, a country house, or a cabin to which they escape for long weekends in the summer. This means that going out to eat on Thursday night often has a longer wait for a table than going out on a Friday or Saturday because by Friday everyone but you has already left town. On top of the normal Thursday craziness, however, today we had an additional level of urgency because of the holiday weekend. It became VERY clear as I was driving home that I am not enlightened and no matter how much I tried to focus on my breath and remember that we are all one, I was a huge stress ball by the time I pulled into the drive after my seventy-minute commute.

This was magnified, too, by my frustration with my workload and work balance at Sudie's. The business management side is often overshadowed by the personal assistant side, and I am back to the same situation I was in at Earth Share where I am not in control of my own work because Sudie has an agenda laid out for me before I even arrive. The only difference now is that instead of it being urgent that I get this mailing out, now it's urgent that I print out pictures of Dansko sandals and information on a list of fifteen books Sudie may want to order. It all comes down to communication--me communicating to Sudie what my own plans, goals, and commitments are and asking for clearer priority delineations for various tasks from her--and discipline to follow--and urge Sudie to follow--the schedule I created and Sudie approved. So I am back to living in the Urgent/Urgent quadrant all the time, and I can't sustain the stress load there. Just as with Earth Share, there is always that next special project and if we can make it through that, things should let up. Oh, until next week, when the next special project hits the calendar. I am trying to understand what lesson I am meant to learn from finding myself in this same position again and again. I thought that maybe the lesson is that I am meant to work for myself so that I really will be in control of my own schedule. But today I'm thinking that's not really the lesson, because even if I were running my own freelance artist representative business or writing full-time, there would be clients and deadlines and headaches that would be completely out of my control. Jill taught me to surf the wave of changing priorities pretty well and I gave up a good chunk of my need for perfection and control while I was working at ESNC. But I know I am not going to advance Sudie's business or create the position I will be happy filling for several more years unless I am able to create with Sudie the discipline to attend to more than just the next hot task. Since she will be working from the house now, too, while her studio is renovated over the next five months, we have already set aside time to talk about a closed door policy when we are each able to work without interruption. Probably a good time to talk about these other issues, too....

Temporary Independence (10:30 a.m.)
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Forever Young by Alphaville
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I miss Hans. I thought about him throughout the day yesterday, collecting thoughts like always to try to remember to tell him in the evening. Each time, I would have to stop and remember that he was gone, and each time, there was a small note of sadness. I love missing him! It's good. Makes me realize all the small ways that sharing my life with him brings me joy and comfort, even though we drive each other so crazy. When I told him this on the phone last night, he said, "Well I get joy and comfort out of driving you crazy, too, honey."

He's exhausted and yesterday was hit by the full force of what it means that he will be launching and running this call center next week. Sounds like I won't be seeing much of him the rest of the summer, even when we are back to sleeping under the same roof.

On my drive home yesterday, I made the mistake of turning on NPR. As usual, they made me cry, and while I am becoming an expert at driving while crying (the lead foot and road rage even subside for those few minutes), I really wish it happened less often. This time, the story was Melissa Block's final interview of a group of medical students in a gross anatomy class at the University of Maryland. Read more about the series or listen here. I had heard the first installment in the series when it aired in 2004, so I was glad to hear the last. This one dealt with the emotions each student felt in terms of her relationship with her body donor. One woman commented that it was clear that her donor may have been receiving medical care for his illness, but had been lacking in other basic care, evidenced by things such as long toenails that no one had helped him clip. She talked about how that made her feel when she learned her arthritic neighbor was upset because her daughter hadn't been over to visit and help her clip her fingernails.

At this point, I was sobbing audibly--it kills me that Melissa Block doesn't tear up in these interviews--and on any other day, Hans (maybe choked up a little himself) would have reached over and put his hand on my knee. I realized that now that we have the second car and are no longer commuting together, my knee is going to be very lonely and often sad.

notes for future writing (9:00 a.m.)
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: Writing
On my way to work today, I passed a group of men on the side of the road whom I really wish I could have photographed. Their white work truck was pulled onto the shoulder, and six or seven men were sitting or squatting in the grass in a casual circle between the edge of the two-lane highway and one of those white fences that always remind me of Kentucky horse stables. At the speed I was traveling, I couldn't tell if anyone was speaking, but they all had their heads down as though they were some sort of ad hoc prayer circle. They were probably waiting to start a job and were still tired and resting their eyes, but it was a startling image. All I really want to do is write a poem about them, rather than what I really have to do which is continue packing up Sudie's studio for the renovations. (It's really not fair, or good for my allergies, that I have to pack at home and at work!) If I were to write the poem about the men lost in their own thoughts by the side of the road, it would have the words "magnolia," "rambling," and maybe "brambles" in it (though I can't really say why).

Last night while Kaija and I were walking, I started thinking about the nature of love - the evolutionary biology, physiology, and psychology of it - and thought I should write something about that, too, from a human perspective , but using dogs as a model. I don't want to say more about it because it may be a thin idea and I might wear it out before I even sit down to flesh it out.

I like the fact that ideas are creeping up on me so regularly now. The irony, of course, is that ideas most like to attack me when I have the least amount of time to pay them. Maybe I need them more when I am stressed and busy.

Enlightenment
Mood:  rushed
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Sudie left her latest Yoga Journal on my desk today, so I read an article about enlightenment while I ate lunch. Nothing really earth shaking in it, mostly just good reminders about things I've read, heard, or thought previously. The author recommends a series of exercises to help you "practice" enlightenment, which she defines as an understanding that every object and every life is one with your own consciousness. The fourth exercise in the series asks you to hold an enemy in your thoughts and attempt to experience that person as part of your own consciousness, to feel compassion and love flowing between you. Over the years, I have practiced this while thinking of various ex-boyfriends and Ned, my first boss in Seattle, who I have decided came into my life to teach me once and for all to stand up for my self-worth and individuality in the face of blatant discrimination and verbal abuse and to make my own creative life, rather than churning out boring trade copy for a monthly magazine just to say I was a writer and editor. But even though each of these men hurt me deeply in his own, brutally unique way, I do not believe in the concept of "enemy." [Some of my most valuable lessons have come from these experiences, so how can I consider my teachers enemies? These men may not have had love in their hearts for me (though I think some of them did, even as they were forcing me out of their lives), but I am free to feel gratitude and compassion for them.] I can't think of one person with whom I haven't been able to find some common ground (post high school, of course, because high school, for all of its pressures toward conformity, is the antithesis of common ground), and that's one of the things I really like about me. It made me good at talking to people about environmental issues when I was working for PIRG, and it makes meeting strangers easier for me every day.

When I think about the word "enemy" now, the closest I can come to actually pinning that title on an individual is to find someone who I feel is an enemy of the ideals or ethical standards in which I believe. Therefore, Shrub is the easiest target. He seems so completely removed from reality, and yet he believes his policies and his views are based on strong ethical ground, too. Still, I get physically ill at the sound of his voice. There was a point during the last election, though, during the last debate, when I actually felt I could trust him and I was proud of his performance. Afterall, he stood up straight and smiled and seemed rational. This is the closest I have come in terms of enlightenment when it comes to him. Of course, when I told Hans about these feelings, he was angry--how could I be proud of a man who, after three+ years in office, was just now learning that he had to talk to the people of the country as though their opinions mattered and who had finally accepted the coaching he had received so that he could fake looking presidential?

Apparently, the PIRG brainwashing I underwent at the age of 21 was very powerful, because, even fifteen years later, there is a part of me that is resistant to letting go of my resistance to this man. It is still easier to break things down into the "your either part of the problem or part of the solution" mentality of 1990's environmentalism than it is to consider him as a man who believes in himself and his convictions. I suppose it comes down to a separation between feeling compassion for the man as a human being--of this, I think I am capable--and believing the man should be leading our country. So in all my spare time, you'll find me practicing remembering that Shrub is part of my own consciousness.

Afterall, Ford's in his Flivver, and all's well with the world.

New Art Project!
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Kids in America by The Muffs
Topic: Daily Eruptions
Hans left for Seattle today and arrived safely and on time, despite the pilot of his first flight finding (prior to take-off) that two bolts had been sheared off one of the wheels of the landing gear. This is the first time since we've been married that he's the one traveling and I'm the one home alone. It's a weird feeling. Unfortunately, I'm too busy to make use of the alone time with writing or reading, so I'm just stuck feeling left behind and a little overwhelmed with all that needs to be done.

Hans made it very clear before he left, though, that he wants the new house to be my personal, ongoing art project and gave me his blessing to do anything to it that I want. He also reminded me that anything I do, I'm doing just for us--meaning there are no judges--so it should be fun and non-stressful. I took a vacation day today to get Hans to the airport, receive the new mattresses we bought, and start packing. I got all of our small appliances cleaned, packed, and moved, as well as a few other necessities--like the punch bowl, silver candlesticks and tapers, 100 tea lights, the tea pot Candy painted, the fruit bowl I painted, and the cake serving set from our wedding that is engraved with both of our marriage dates. If only I had friends, I could have had a tea party! I figured those things needed to be moved eventually, and I enjoyed finding places for them. I also managed to paint one of the kitchen walls sapphire! I love the way it looks, and, amazingly, it was fun and non-stressful! I can't wait to do more, but I can't get back out there until at least Thursday. I'm going to try to get in an hour of painting before work that morning, and then go back out with Kaija on Friday and maybe spend the night. I would like to get the first floor painted before Hans comes home.

Home Sweet Home!
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Daily Eruptions
They actually let us--two Peter Pan, creative type, perpetual wanderers--buy a house! I am amazed. It all happened so fast and there were no surprises, except that it was so easy and that everyone was so helpful and encouraging! The place looks great, and it's ours! So we now live in Whitsett, North Carolina--population 700 + 2 (and 1 American Hairless Terrier)!

I'm taking Hans to the airport in the morning and will be on my own for nine days to try to get some things moved and organized and packed up. I'm taking tomorrow off from work to start painting the new kitchen (I'm carrying my ocean sunset theme over to the new house) and to accept delivery of the new bed we bought today, then I have to get my act together and get this place packed up. I'll probably spend the holiday weekend painting, too, and I may be able to get Dad to help me get started tiling around Hans's shower. There is so much I want to do and even more that I have to do!

Oh, and today we discovered the best part--four miles down the road in Burlington is a movie theater (a major necessity) and the best pizza on the planet--Sir Pizza! I was eating Sir Pizza while I was still in the womb, and I have missed it ever since I moved away from Battle Creek! Now I just have to try to forget it's there....

Peace and Love and Many, Many Thanks!!!!

Lucky Thirteen
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Marathon
I managed to walk/run thirteen miles for only the third time ever tonight. Hans and I took Brendan to see Madagascar yesterday and to Spinners for dinner, and then he got to have his first sleepover at our house--we figured if we were going to get that in, it would be easier when he lives two minutes away than when he lives 90 minutes away, so we wanted to have him over before we moved. I knew that by the time he woke up and I made him breakfast and took him to the pool, it would be impossible for me to get in my morning run, so I planned to run this evening. The heat made it difficult, and I admit, I walked more than I ran, but I got the mileage in. On weeks where I'm increasing distance I figure the emphasis is on musculoskeletal adaptation anyway, so if I can still walk and I'm not having an asthma attack at the end of a long run, I'm pretty happy. Tonight I got in a very long workout at a fat-burning heart rate and I feel the way I did after the first day of my three-day stationary cycling fundraiser at the movie theatre in Lynnwood--wouldn't it be nice if I could somehow manage to drop 10 pounds tonight the way I did that weekend? (The hard part is realizing that in the time I spent walking/running 13 miles, I could have done 60 or 70 miles on the bike!)

The other great thing about tonight is that I got through the mental barrier of doing 13 miles. I felt so awful after the half-marathon in 2002, I was actually scared to try another 13 tonight. Because I didn't push the running this time, I didn't have an asthma attack and I think I'll be able to move pretty well tomorrow.

What is becoming clear to me, though, is that my time is not going to suddenly improve. Maybe if I had lost fifty pounds before I started training instead of trying to do it while I'm training, I might have been able to shave several minutes off my mile. But I think that realistically now I'm looking at seconds and not minutes. At this point, a sub 6 hour time would be a miracle, and I should probably be happy if I finish in less than 8. I was living in D.C. the year Oprah turned 40 and ran the Marine Corp Marathon in 4:39. Maybe if I do the marathon every year until I'm forty, and take an hour off my time each year, I might be able to match her time when I'm 40. Sure would be nice to have Bob Greene to drag me out of bed every morning and force me to run and have Rosie cooking all my meals.... I'm pretty sure I really need a coach pushing me to see any real increases in speed. The thing about Oprah's experience is that, yes, she turned in an excellent time for a first marathon and looked fantastically fit, but she hated it so much she says she will never do another marathon. I want to finish my first one looking forward to my next one. If this experience totally sucks, I will probably never attempt Ironman, and I want to be strong enough to finish Ironman.

I've promised myself that my reward for finishing this marathon is a dance class. I miss moving my body to music! I've let my weight keep me from really enjoying and inhabiting my body, and I've decided it's time for that to end. Besides, when you are training for endurance events, it's a good idea to take some time off from your sport(s) in the winter and engage in a different mode of fitness. I'm trying to decide between a salsa, hip hop, or jazz class. Jazz will always be there and feels kind of outdated. Hip hop might be awful because none of those moves are intuitive to me. Salsa may be just what I need--especially if it means I also get to buy a hot, red dress and wear high heels and feel like a girl. I miss feeling like a girl.... Although, today, I had a little pink on my cheeks and on the tip of my nose and gold streaks from the sun in my hair and my eyes were sparkly and I felt like the outdoorsy, summer girl was coming back. The outdoorsy, summer girl is good!

Summer Solstice (NOT for the shy or squeamish)
Mood:  lucky
Topic: Daily Eruptions
I celebrated the solstice by starting my period again!! Only a week has passed since the last one, and I have to say, I'm a little freaked out. Hans has tried to make me feel better by insisting that it has to be the stress of everything we're doing to make the closing happen on Monday and getting ready for the move and buying a new car, etc., but that doesn't really make me worry less that it means I'm perimenopausal. What my body needs to understand is that just because I started my period at eleven and so have had twenty-five childbearing years, I am not ready at thirty-six to give up the possibility of having a child. Afterall, I was unmarried for eighteen of those twenty-five years. This is exactly what Oprah tried to scare me with three years ago (because you know she knows exactly which three shows I'm going to watch each year and she targets them directly to me), but I'm not buying it. I refuse to believe that the Universe would let me spend most of my childbearing years terrified that my body would do exactly what it was designed to do--attract men and produce babies--only to take away the ability to actually have a child just at the point where I might be getting to a place emotionally and financially where I am ready for one, and where I have a partner who is also nearly ready for one. My body needs to give me one more year to get the weight and asthma under control and figure out what's going on with my liver--end of story.

The Universe balanced out my world, though, by giving North Carolina an absolutely gorgeous day for the solstice. The humidity mysteriously left the air late last week and hasn't come back! It's amazing. I was able to run in the evening, which I definitely prefer over running in the morning. I only went out for forty minutes, and Hans and Kaija did the first .8 of a mile with me. Kaija thinks it's a game--she and Hans leave for a walk while I'm getting dressed, and then somehow the two of them run into me while I'm out on the run, and she gets all excited to have found me. I think she thinks it's odd to see me "running," because when we go out for walks she has to slow down her normal trot in order for me to keep up, just as Hans has to slow down his normal walk. On run nights, though, she and Hans are able to walk (Hans) and trot (Kaija) at their normal speed and have me keep up. This makes Kaija happy dance a lot, and it's fun to have the company now that Hans has stopped making jokes about my stubby legs (his hips are nearly at my shoulders!) and asking "When are we actually gonna' run?"

The weather was so nice that I was able to eat lunch outside in Sudie's garden. Ecco sat at my feet because now that they're renovating the studio she wants nothing to do with that end of the property, and I sat in this huge metal chair that looks like it's made of tree branches and reeds hidden in the formal garden in front of the house. I love this chair because I can sit cross-legged in it and feel small. When I first started working here in January, I was very aware of the trees--everything seemed green even in the winter. But now that it's summer, I see that there are a ton of deciduous trees on the property, too, and the sunlight coming through the leaves and trunks reminds me of Michigan's U.P. What I really want to do is sit outside in that oversized hidden chair and write poetry all day. Guess that will have to wait! Maybe next week I can sit out there to do my writing for the divination project since I write longhand.

In any event, I am receiving blessings from every direction and I think it's going to be an amazing summer.

The Hardest Part of My Day is Over
Mood:  happy
Topic: Marathon
I decided when I signed up for this marathon that it was important that I do overdistance training so that I could be sure I could do the race miles and still be able to move afterward. So I've been attempting to follow Jeff Galloway's training schedule for people who want to finish in 4:40 without adhering to the speed component. That is, I've been doing the same distances but not worrying about doing all the short races that he suggests for people with a time goal. This seems to be working out alright, and since I'm now at the place where I'm moving from mileages of ten miles or fewer into mileages that are of longer distances than I've done before, I gave myself until this weekend to make a final decision whether I will continue following this course or step down to the Beginner program. I'm going to continue, which means I should do the race distance once before the race and then a 28-miler before I start tapering. I think I will need this little confidence boost on race day, and as long as I take it easy--as I have been--I think it should work for me.

Today was an 8 mile run before next week's thirteen-miler. It was very smooth and I didn't have any problems with my feet, legs or lungs. The barriers today were all mental. I don't mind distance, but I hate having to put out all the effort for speed! I realized at one point today during a run segment that my arms were barely moving, so after that I concentrated each time I started a run segment on pumping my arms in order to make my legs work harder.

I have to get serious about getting up in time for early morning runs during the week. Those are my times to work on speed, and I've been short-changing them. And I will get on the bike, probably on my indoor trainer, at least one day this week. I think cross-training would improve my overall fitness. I need to reread the information I got at triathlon camp, too, on training with a heart rate monitor. If I were more rigorous about using that tool, I think my fitness would be increasing a lot more quickly.

I'm going to give myself one more full week (including next Sunday's long run) at 60% running before moving up to 4 minute run segments with a 1 minute walking recovery. Once I move up to that amount of running, I will play around with running 8 minutes with a 2 minute walk break to see whether running in longer stretches is easier mentally (it's hard to start running again once I've stopped). That might be the extent of the increases in overall running that I do, though. There's a chance I'll move up to a 9 minute run with a 1 minute walk, but I doubt it. From there, I'll need to focus on consistency, form, and whatever I'm calling speed.

New Dream Writers Retreat
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Writing
Since I'm going to be broke for the next several months, it is completely unrealistic to think I would have money to go on the Pam Houston writing retreat on the Green River about which I've already written, and now I've found another retreat, which falls right around the same time, that is even grander that has also captured my imagination. Francis Ford Coppola is the publisher of a magazine called Zoetrope: All-Story ($6.95 an issue, available at Barnes & Noble in the Literary magazine section) and now he has the Zoetrope: All Story Short Story Writers' Workshop for which I found a listing in the July/August edition of Poets & Writers. The workshop is led by Charles D'Ambrosio and George Saunders, but the real draw for me comes from the location: "Come to Francis Ford Coppola's beautiful Blancaneaux Lodge in Belize...four-star meals, luxurious bungalow accommodations, and trips to the Mayan ruins at Caracol, the Rainforest Medicine Trails, and the Rio On Pools." Don't know any writers who can actually afford such a writing vacation, but damn it sounds amazing! I want to get to Belize before Belize stops being Belize and becomes just another tourist vacation spot. Am I already too late?